The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins: My Top Takeaways
I have regular one-hour Zoom calls with my girlfriends located around the world which allows us to quickly get through the mundane in our lives and then get to the heart of what we are experiencing as women at that time. We are all trying to live our best lives and we are often experiencing similar struggles.
As I was talking to my friend Andrea a few months ago, she talked about the book, The Let Them Theory, by Mel Robbins, and said that it was life-changing for her. When I was in Portland last month and making the necessary pilgrimage to Powell’s, I couldn’t resist picking up it up along with Dare I Say It by Naomi Watts which I wrote about a few weeks ago.
Robbins’ work generally resonates with me, and this book is no exception. It’s a powerful reminder of the energy we waste trying to control others like what they think, what they do, how they respond to us, and how freeing it is to simply Let Them. The idea isn’t about giving up or being passive; it’s about redirecting our focus to what we can control: ourselves.
I’ve already begun to implement some of her amazing suggestions and have shared with some of my friends. I highly recommend reading this book and sharing what you are doing with your friends and family as you begin to let go, Let Them, and Let Me.
TLDR: Here are my key takeaways from the book to either entice you to read it. There’s so much in the book that cannot be summarized into 10 takeaways. As always, all bolded, italicized quotes come directly from the book, with slight modifications for clarity.
- “The only permission you need is your own.” We wait for validation, for expertise, for the “right” qualifications before we take action. But what if we just started? Mel Robbins shares how she learned the hard way, through experience, not credentials. This is a good reminder for those of us navigating career changes, creative endeavors, or just trying to live more authentically.
2. “Let them — can set you free. Free from the opinions, drama, and judgment of others.”How much of our stress comes from trying to manage other people? Their emotions, their reactions, their expectations? The reality is, we can’t. Let them feel how they feel. Let them think what they think. And then let me focus on what actually matters: my own energy, choices, and peace of mind.
3. We try to keep the peace, avoid conflict, and ensure everyone around us is happy. But “other people hold no real power over you unless you give it to them.” Trying to control outcomes is exhausting. The more we let them, the more we reclaim our time, mental bandwidth, and joy. Robbins emphasizes that this doesn’t mean disengaging entirely, it means letting go of unrealistic expectations of what we can control.
4. “You’ll never reach the full potential of your life if you continue to allow stupid things or rude people to drain your life force.” Not every conversation needs our participation. Not every problem needs our involvement. We can choose how we respond, if we respond at all. And when something stresses us out? Let them.
5. What would you do if you weren’t worried about being judged? Robbins challenges us to examine how much power we give to the thoughts of others, often people who aren’t even paying close attention to us. “When YOU are proud of yourself, you hold all the power.”
6. Adult friendships shift. People move, change, and grow. And that’s okay. “The more you let people be who they are, the better your relationships will be.” The Let Them Theory teaches us to stop expecting everyone to stay the same, to release the need to be included in everything, and to trust that the right people will remain in our lives. Let them drift in, let them drift out. Let me stay open to new connections. If you are in midlife and are struggling with friendships, do not skip chapters 11–13.
7. The hard truth: “You can’t make someone change.” No matter how much we want to, people will only change when they’re ready. The best thing we can do? Model the change ourselves. Robbins shares research on social contagion, how our own growth can inspire others more effectively than nagging ever could.
8. “Let Them struggle.” This one is tough, especially as parents of young adults. We want to rescue the people we love. But there’s a fine line between support and enabling. Sometimes, the most loving thing we can do is to step back and let someone face their challenges, with us by their side, providing support. Let me believe in their ability to figure it out. This does not mean leaving them on their own. “Healing is a deeply personal journey…The Let Them Theory teaches you that helping others doesn’t mean solving their problems for them — it means giving them the space, support and tools to do it themselves.”
9. We waste time chasing people who won’t choose us back. Robbins reminds us: “Let me accept the truth in their behavior.” If someone isn’t showing up for you, that’s information. Don’t chase the potential of who they could be. “Watch what they do.” Stop trying to control outcomes in relationships. Instead, focus on “mutual effort, mutual respect, mutual feelings, mutual attraction, and mutual interest.”
10. This book is ultimately about shifting from Let Them to Let Me. Instead of spending our energy managing, controlling, and reacting to others, we focus on ourselves, our values, our boundaries, our happiness. Robbins writes: “It’s about letting go of control without abandoning responsibility.” That’s the sweet spot. We can be engaged in our lives while detaching from what isn’t ours to manage.
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Are you inspired to take action based on any of these takeaways? Anything you wish to add? And if you’re reading The Let Them Theory, I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments or drop me a line at pilotingyourlife@gmail.com.
About the Author
Terri Hanson Mead is the multi-award winning author of Piloting Your Life, Managing Partner of Solutions2Projects, LLC, travel journalist and vlogger with her husband Zeke (Zeke and Terri), Stanford Continuing Studies Instructor (Navigating Midlife for Women), and an advocate for women through all of her platforms including YouTube, Instagram, TikTok, and this blog. Terri, the mother of a college junior (currently studying abroad) and recent college graduate, is based in Redwood City, CA and in her spare time, loves to travel, cook, play tennis, and fly helicopters around the San Francisco Bay Area, especially under the Golden Gate Bridge. Oh, and she will never pass up a glass of good bubbly!
