Why America Should Learn to Love the Winter Games
A plea to my compatriots to embrace the magic of the Winter Games.
Fellow blue-blooded Americans, I love winning. It’s the whole point of the game. Any. Game. But this insatiable desire to win (and for our teams to win), has come at a cost. It has robbed us of the enjoyment of one of the most unique spectacles in sports: The Winter Olympics. And I’m here to reclaim it for all of us.
It’s time to embrace the ultimate form of homerism — rooting for your fellow countrymen as they compete in sports you likely know fuck-all about. The opportunity for this kind of blind patriotism is rare. No other global event combines the Winter Games’ grandiose scale with the Winter Games’ obscene amount of obscurity. Most viewers probably can’t tell a triple salchow from a triple-decker, but that doesn’t mean you can’t wrap yourself in the flag and scream from the edge of your seat when an American performs one. The patriotism of the Olympics is so fuckin’ pure. And necessary. I’ll even go as far as to say that if you’re not kicked back watching the Opening Ceremony in PyeongChang on February 9th, you should be put on a list.
The American trend to be anti-Winter Olympics comes from the notion that we’re some kind of cellar-dwellers when it comes to the Winter Games, a case my fellow Grandstander Brandon Anderson tries to make, in vain. While the U.S. winter squad doesn’t have the same stranglehold on the games that their summer counterparts do, it’s not like we’re out there duking it out with Vatican City for a single medal nod. In three out of the last four Winter Games, the U.S. has won the most medals of any country attending (albeit they’ve never come out on top in the ridiculous scoring system that weighs gold and silver medals above bronze.) The only country with more medals all-time is Norway, and considering they have to live in almost constant darkness in exchange for their bitchin’ snow skills (and good healthcare and all that I guess), I think the States are doing just fine. Some are even predicting that a veteran U.S. team could bring home a record amount of medals in 2018. So if Americans standing on the podium is your comp for watching some non-traditional sports, it’s there for you.
But it doesn’t even matter that the U.S. is still a major player in the Winter Olympics (nice humblebrag). I’ll do you one better. The United States could go without sending a delegation to the Olympics altogether and it would still be must-see-TV. As I alluded to earlier, the non-traditional, highly-specialized events like skeleton, curling, and speed skating are all extremely enjoyable to watch, particularly with a case of Budweiser riding shotgun. We should embrace these cockamamy events, even if it is just for the novelty in the fact that they only come around once every four years. (On a serious note, these athletes do train year-round in anticipation of their potential olympic performance, and the least we can do is offer our (semi)undivided attention during their fleeting moment in the spotlight.) With that being said, the gambling-minded bum in me is a little worried about my descent into the dark world of luge betting post-Olympics, but that’s neither here nor there.
If you still can’t manage to rally yourself for the upcoming festivities, these Olympics are 100% something to get excited for because of the sheer nonsense of events like biathlon (I use the word nonsense with the best connotations). If you aren’t already aware, biathlon combines the two totally analogous skillsets of cross country-skiing and rifle shooting. This event is rooted in the Scandinavian reverence of the Norse god, Ullr, who is both the god of skiing (very specific) and the god of hunting. Essentially, the winner of the biathlon serves as the world’s resident woodsman-badass until the next event rolls around. My bet is that Ole Einar Bjoerndalen cements his status as the most decorated winter Olympian of all time and leaves PyeongChang with two new medals to take his all-time total to 15. Also, considering that bobsledding is essentially soap box derby racing with the added element of ICE, it’s as American as jumping the gun on that $20 GoFundMe donation, and I’m into it.
Above all else, the Olympics can serve as a welcomed reprieve from the maniacal coverage of the Trump dynasty, and if that idea doesn’t have you chomping at the bit, I’m not sure what else I can say. Just know, that come February I will be embracing 16 days of unhinged American patriotism, Budweiser tallboys en tote.
