The Problematic Relationship Standards Thrust Upon High School Girls
I remember being in my freshman year of high school; I felt like an adult even though nothing had changed. By this point, I had already been through what I considered my first heartbreak (if only I knew of what was to come). Around this time, the relationship advice that I never needed or asked for began pouring in. The first piece of it was “you probably won’t marry who you are within high school,” which seems like good advice, but it did not serve us well to many other girls and me.
I know that the odds say you will not marry your high school sweetheart. That logic cannot be argued. However, why tell a young girl who isn’t even in a relationship that it won’t work with someone in her future? But that is not my biggest issue with this piece of advice. My biggest problem is that you tell many young girls it won’t work out; they find someone they love and are determined to make it work no matter what.
I ended up staying with a guy for three years who cheated on me constantly and who I knew I would never be happy with. But I stayed because I wanted so badly for it to work. After all, I had been told since I was 14-years-old that it wouldn’t.
That is just one of the many pieces of advice put on high school girls. Now, this next piece isn’t so much of a piece of advice but how many adults act around the subject of high school dating. They don’t take it seriously; many adults say don’t date in high school. I think dating is an integral part of emotional growth, and it should not be discouraged once someone is of an acceptable age. Still, beyond that, the only two narratives for high school girls are you’re going to break up, or John from algebra is your soulmate, both of which are terrifying.
The advice I got from many adults in my life to work things out when my boundaries were crossed was astounding. To forgive him for something I wasn’t comfortable with and put my feelings to the side. My dad was the only one who gave me good advice at this time, the advice I wished I would have listened to sooner about how if a man breaks my trust to the point where I worry about if he is where he says he is and so on, we are no longer compatible.
Now putting advice aside for a moment, there is also the problem of high schools. I loved prom and homecoming. They were fun dances, and I went alone to some of them. However, for many girls, it is seen as problematic if they don’t have a date; they are seen as undesirable do you even know how many of us had our first and last dances ruined because guys don’t want to embarrass themselves. It is unfathomable to me now that I ever let myself be treated that way. I understand that some people are shy and don’t want to dance, but if a guy won’t even sway next to you after ten minutes of begging, he is not worth it.
Another standard among the poor girls in high school is that if their boyfriend does the bare minimum, he is over-achieving. This one has got to be the most harmful. I remember seeing the guys who did so much for their girlfriends, and I figured I was unlucky, or my boyfriend wasn’t that type of person. Or that as he got older, he’d treat me a little more like how my dad treated my mom. When I was a senior in high school, I got into a relationship with a guy, and we decided to go long-distance, and he would move in with me for college.
At first, he loved me a lot, but I could see things start to change over time, and he forgot to text me often. When he moved here, everyone I knew said how great he was because he would sometimes buy me candy or give lovely gifts for holidays, but when he yelled at me for turning on lights while he was gaming, that should’ve been a big sign kick him out.
There was advice I should have gotten that I never did in high school, and granted, high schoolers don’t usually listen, but when a picture gets painted in their head of this is a correct relationship, they don’t let go. Had people treated relationships differently when I was in high school, I may not have the issues I do today. I may have been able to see the red flags sooner. So now I want to give the advice I never got, which I think will at least help people like me.
Dear High School Girls,
I know everyone says it will not work out with the boy you genuinely love. I know you feel the call to prove them wrong deep in your bones, that you can make this relationship work if he lets you. But dear girl, you cannot do it alone. You love this boy, and he loves you, and at this moment, that is all that matters, but you should not be afraid to set boundaries and toss those who cross them to the proverbial dragon.
I promise you will meet more than one man in your life; the first boy to haphazardly stumble into your life may not be perfect for you, do not waste years trying to make him better; it is a failing endeavor. The boys that seem broken or misunderstood but then treat you poorly are more often emotionally manipulative and angry.
Go to your prom. Go to your prom and dance with everyone. Do not condemn yourself for sitting at a table all night next to someone who called you pretty but has since been on his phone.
This one is controversial but watch how he loves you. If he doesn’t lie, cheat, or manipulate, that doesn’t mean he can do no wrong. Does he go out of his way to do things for you, does he love you in your love language, does he look at you like he adores you. If not, he isn’t the one. Aside from teaching him your likes and dislikes, you should not have to teach him how to care about you.
Finally, you will know when you stumble upon someone suitable for you. It feels different, it isn’t just a new fling, but something in your heart says he is good. Listen to that feeling.
Sincerely,
Someone who has been there.
