Wind
It’s that time of the month. The time when everywhere is cramping and everything smells bad and everyone is magically a hundred times more annoying. Nice Mom struggles to maintain control while Angry Mom strains at the leash. Meltdowns are inevitable. Regrets are likely. The family is oblivious. My reproductive system has drained my usual resources. I’m usually a mighty oak, but today I am but a sapling, bending precariously in the gales of life.
Wind #1: Guilt
Woken up from afternoon nap by sound of phone ringing
Woman: Hello, is this Mrs [mangled version of kids’ last name]?
Me: Oh God what?
Woman: Yes, did you intend to pick up your son today?
Me: SHIT WHAT TIME IS IT?
Woman: Ma’am.
Me: SHIT TELL HIM I’M SORRY. I’M ON MY WAY
Wind #2: Embarrassment
The quickest thing I can find to wear is a striped shirt together with a striped skirt. The stripes clash. The colors clash. The school office is staffed by a secretary who hates me for reasons I never figured out. A cop is there and she is staring at me. I have bedhead and there are still stains on my lips from the red wine I drank last night when Lauren and I celebrated our anniversary at an Italian restaurant. I decide the cop has me pegged as an alcoholic ne’er-do-well who sometimes forgets her children exist.
Respite:
Me: Hey buddy I’m really sorry I’m late. Are you mad?
Youngest: I’m not mad *gives big hug*. Don’t forget we have chores to do today.
Wind #3: Frustration by proxy
Mother calls. Did I intend to pick up youngest from school? They’d called her as well. Oh, and kids’ piano lessons must be postponed as she has found a screw lodged in her tire. A survey of nearby places that will fix tires turns up nobody who is available tonight because everyone has a screw in their tire.
Respite:
Mall teriyaki chicken. Mall teriyaki chicken is the best. And it’s half price movie Tuesday. Lauren doesn’t like the mall teriyaki chicken (is she crazy?) but we’re going to see A Quiet Place. That should be fun!
Wind #4: Stress
This movie is seriously stressful. Oh no now it’s sad.
Wind #5: Odors
Somebody in this theater has not fucking showered.
Wind #6: Guilt
Me: You should quit smoking, babe.
Lauren: I should
Me: After all you put me through to make me quit smoking!
Lauren: I know. I know.
Me: Also your breath stinks.
Lauren:…
Me: Hon?
Lauren:… it’s nothing
Me: don’t do that. What is it?
Lauren: I’ll quit smoking. I just didn’t know you found me disgusting.
Me: oh shit
Wind #7: Annoyance
Grocery store ad says I get $5 off if I use their stupid app to complete my shopping transaction. I use their stupid app. It asks me many annoying questions. I answer all of the annoying questions, one by one. I do not get $5 off. I ask a cashier where my $5 is. They tell me it only works that way if I shop from home. I return to the ad. The ad says nothing about having to use it from home. This is not the employee’s fault so I do not shout or kick down the ad.
Wind #8: Unfounded Guilt
Eldest: Did you get chips?
Me: They’re right there
Eldest: Ugh they’re generic
Wind #9: Confusing Guilt
Youngest: [enters with broom in hand] You forgot we were supposed to do chores together today.
Me: Oh. I’m sorry sweetie. It got late. We’ll do them tomorrow.
Youngest: We need to do gardening and clean your room.
Me: I know bud. We’ll do it right after school tomorrow.
Youngest: *sigh* I told you not to forget.
SNAP
Me: That’s it! I can’t do this. I’m the worst mom. I’m the worst wife. I can’t do anything right.
Lauren: That’s not true! You took me out to dinner and a movie! It was wonderful. I loved it.
Me: YOU WATCHED ME EAT AND THEN I INSULTED YOU
Lauren: oh shit.
Me: I’ve upset everyone
Lauren: Babe, the kids get upset about weird shit.
Me: That’s not the point
Lauren: Would it help if I made a list of all the weird shit the kids have gotten upset about lately?
Me: Probably not.
Lauren: I bet it will. Here let me give it a try.
List of Things That Annoy The Kids (non-comprehensive):
1. When batteries die
2. When we make them do homework
3. When we ask them to go places with us
4. When we don’t ask them to go places with us
5. When the cat meows too much
6. When they forget to eat all day even though there’s food everywhere
7. When the internet is out
8. When you tell them not to wear dirty clothes that they just picked up off the floor
9. When [youngest] is looking at [oldest]
10. When [oldest] is looking at [youngest]
11. When they’re not allowed to remove a venetian blind from its moorings and swing it around the house
12. When they’re not allowed to let the parakeets loose to get eaten by the cats.
Respite
Lauren: Did it work?
Me: … okay, yeah.
