I Asked Donald Trump Supporters What Songs He Has Sex To
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Donald Trump has a legion of supporters who want to make America great again by making sure that “Crooked Hillary” has absolutely no part of being in charge. Generally speaking, they’re primarily poor white males who didn’t graduate college, and according to Trump, they come out to his rallies in groups numbering in the tens of thousands.
Census-type information aside, what else do we know about them as people, and what insight can these folks provide about the Republican presidential nominee? If we took a typical Trump fan out for a lovely steak dinner and asked cursory, inane first-date questions like “What kind of music do you like,” how would they answer?
I put on my finest Nickelback concert tee, went to Trump’s rally in Bangor, Maine, and found out for myself.
In a sea of American flag cut-off shirts and “The silent majority stands with Trump” signs, I found Paul, a larger guy in his 20s wearing a blue graphic t-shirt who was really into 70s punk and Oi!: “My favorite songs are by The Stiff Little Fingers, and um, friggin’ Cock Sparrer, The Templars, The Toasters, and The Specials.”
As for Paul’s buddy Roger, a middle-aged man in a sleeveless forest green t-shirt, he’s “more of a classic rock/country kind of guy” and “whatever stuff I hear on the radio.”
I saw a group of six high-school-aged boys who I pegged as being there for ironic, “Wouldn’t it be crazy if we went to a Trump rally?” reasons, but it turns out my liberal hipster radar was misfiring, as they were genuine supporters and devout Christians.
“[My favorite song] is ‘I Need You’ by Eddie James,” said the tall one wearing a green drug rug and skinny jeans. “You know who Eddie James is? He’s a gospel singer.”
“Mine is probably ‘Felix Culpa’ by Kings Kaleidoscope,” said another.
“We’re all Christians,” a third chimed in. “Mine’s ‘Stairway to Heaven!’”
“Probably ‘Californication’ by Red Hot Chili Peppers,” said a fourth. “I like Chili Peppers, I listen to a lot of Drake, 2 Chainz, that’s good.”
Much like Trump himself, his supporters seem to largely eschew popular ideas for ones outsiders might consider either unusual or outdated, but what jams do they think best represent their candidate of choice?
Eric, a shorter middle-aged man in a red tank top, figured that since Trump was just in Scotland, “it’s probably a good Scottish tune,” which would make sense, since Donald does seem to love whatever it is he’s currently interacting with or just finished interacting with.
“Cock Sparrer, ‘Take ’Em All,’” Paul said. “Donald Trump is the only one who’s managed to take on the establishment and win. Donald Trump was hated by the republicans and democrats, just like Bernie Sanders was. Bernie Sanders lost and surrendered, and Donald Trump won!”
Predictably, Roger went more old school with his pick: “‘Revolution’ by The Beatles. We need a revolution in this country.”
The young Christians threw out a flurry of tongue-in-cheek answers, like “Disengage” by Suicide Silence, “We’re Not Going To Take It” by Quiet Riot, “All We Do Is Win” by DJ Khaled, “Panda” by Desiigner, and “We Are The Champions” by Queen.
This isn’t the last time that Freddie Mercury and company would come up, as they re-emerged when I posed the most important question of all, one that’s especially valuable given Trump’s claim that he totally “could’ve nailed” Princess Diana: What song does Donald Trump have sex to?
“The Queen song, uh… ‘Bohemian Rhapsody,’ by Queen,” Roger said after not much thought at all. “I can’t really picture Donald Trump having sex, but that seems like something that would be appropriate.”
Then Paul chimed in: “I think I got something: I think he listens to basically anything by Prince, because that’s the best way to get a woman in the bedroom.”
Sure, why wouldn’t Trump go with a couple of rock legends as his aural wingmen? “Bohemian Rhapsody” is alternately passionate and aggressive in a way that probably matches his dynamic sexual range, and Prince is a straight-up panty-dropper regardless of who they’re dropping for.
Again, the Christian kids threw out a bombardment of strange ideas.
“‘Hype,’ by Drake,” one said the instant he heard the question. “Done, done, done, done…”
“My anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun’,” another said.
From there, the playlist started filling up quickly:
“‘Can You Feel It” [“In The Air Tonight”] by Phil Collins.”
“‘Disengage’ by [Suicide Silence].”
“‘What Does The Fox Say?’”
Lastly, I caught up with a pair of pleasant middle-aged women, and while I didn’t have the heart to ask these agreeable, Christian and seemingly innocent ladies what song their presidential favorite plays whilst he fornicates, I did want to know what track they felt best represents Trump: “The first one that comes to mind is ‘Wrecking Ball,’ but is that even a song,” the one in pink asked.
The emotionally wrought Miley Cyrus classic absolutely is a song, and the bombastic ballad is the perfect conclusion to a Donald Trump sex mix that includes Scottish music, that song from Wayne’s World, Drizzy, and deathcore.
Perhaps the most illuminating musical selection that came up during Trump’s Maine rally was what played a few times over the PA as the crowd filed into the venue: The Rolling Stones’ “You Can’t Always Get What You Want,” which seems to be what most Republican Party leaders are feeling right about now.
But not Trump’s supporters, who are getting exactly what they’re looking for: a fiery personality who knows what he loves (everything, the wall), listens to songs that parallel his ascent to political prominence (DJ Khaled and Desiigner all day), and turns towards Prince and Suicide Silence when he and Melania remove the walls between their bodies to become one soul.
Donald Trump: Wikipedia, Twitter, Google News
