Creating a coffee company
I had a sudden thought today after returning my hire car to Enterprise in Truro.
I was listening to an excellent episode of everyone’s favourite product management show — Lenny’s Podcast.
I had got lost for the 28th time. I was on foot, since my car was no longer mine, and decided that all country lanes must surely lead to my chosen destination. They did not. Which gave me more time with the podcast, lessons from a very smart woman who’s spent her life leading technology teams and stuff.
Lenny and this woman chatted all over management. He was saying ‘what really pisses engineers off about product managers?’ And she was like ‘well it works both ways, Lenny.’
By the time I got ‘home’ three years later (approximately), I had an idea that maybe management would be easier now we have AI in our veins.
Turns out that is absolutely accurate.
Friends as colleagues
I had this mad idea that the cast of Friends worked at a coffee company.
BUT THEN IMMEDIATELY I HAD OTHER IDEAS BECAUSE USING CHARACTERS FROM AN ESTABLISHED AND WILDLY SUCCESSFUL SITCOM WRITTEN BY GENIUSES AND FRONTED BY THE WORLD’S BEST PRODUCERS/DISTRIBUTORS/I WAS NOT ASKED TO WRITE THIS AS AN APOLOGY*/WOULD BE AN AWFUL IDEA.
Had I legitimately poached the characters from the best TV series ever made* imagine how smart I’d be feeling now, especially since one of the key sets in that ridiculously brilliant* series was called Central Perk and imagine the spin-off opportunities tying that to a fictional coffee company!
In any case, as we will discover, having ̶J̶o̶e̶y̶,̶ ̶C̶h̶a̶n̶d̶l̶e̶r̶,̶ ̶R̶o̶s̶s̶,̶ ̶M̶o̶n̶i̶c̶a̶,̶ ̶P̶h̶o̶e̶b̶e̶,̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶R̶a̶c̶h̶e̶l̶ (the most boring name ever invented), working to surge success for Bean Hunters is The One With The Best Idea Ever.
Whenever I want something vaguely useful and in depth, I page Perplexity and hit the Pro slider. I don’t know whether that generates better results but I like using this turbo function and I don’t know any other AI chat offering such a premium-sounding feature for free.
I want you to imagine the main characters in the famous Friends sitcom are working together for the same company. That company sells coffee beans. It is constantly seeking new suppliers and different taste profiles. I want you to imagine you are the manager in this fictional company of all the characters from ABSOLUTELY NOT Friends. Create office personas for each of the characters and then give me a managerial strategy for getting the best out of them to help the business succeed. Which personality tests would we need to ensure you could keep them motivated and collaborative?
I started here because I wanted recognisable people against which to start the engines of management. To figure out how we could go deeper on each character’s personality, which would in turn help us as their manager to know how to get the best from them.
The personas
I thought Perplexity did a really good job, here. Literally. Not only did it provide a pleasant precis of everyone’s personality. It also assigned them roles at Bean Hunters.
NOT Rachel Green
Marketing and Brand Manager
- Strengths: Trendsetter, fashion-savvy, social networking
- Weaknesses: Can be self-centered, sometimes lacks focus
NOT Monica Geller
Quality Control Manager
- Strengths: Perfectionist, organized, detail-oriented
- Weaknesses: Can be controlling, overly competitive
NOT Phoebe Buffay
Creative Director
- Strengths: Out-of-the-box thinker, environmentally conscious, empathetic
- Weaknesses: Unconventional methods, can be flaky
NOT Joey Tribbiani
Sales Representative
- Strengths: Charismatic, people person, great at building rapport
- Weaknesses: Can be easily distracted, sometimes unprofessional
NOT Chandler Bing
Data Analyst
- Strengths: Sarcastic humor, good with numbers, analytical thinking
- Weaknesses: Can be pessimistic, struggles with change
NOT Ross Geller
Research and Development Manager
- Strengths: Academic knowledge, attention to detail, passionate about his work
- Weaknesses: Can be pedantic, sometimes socially awkward
There’s only one problem with this business. It’s lacking an obvious executive.
Luckily, there’s one character missing from this roster who truly fits the bill. Sadly, he’s not called Bill. He’s called…
ABSOLUTELY NOT Gunther
CEO
- Strengths: Dedicated, observant, steady under pressure
- Weaknesses: Shy, struggles with assertiveness, can be overly focused on Rachel
Anyway, we now have Bean Hunters.
Poor old NOT Chandler. He’s always the put upon one. No change, here — he’s both a love interest of NOT Joey, and reporting in to NOT Ross! Damn Mermaid charts when generated by Claude!
How do you manage a woman like NOT Rachel?
Back in the old days when you started reading this article, you were under the impression we were going to explore how AI could help you manage unruly colleagues. Herd tigers by algorithm!
We’ve established some facts about the behavioural ways of the people so far helping Coffee Hunters not go bankrupt.
Now that we understand them a bit — and if we weren’t launching a business with characters from the most famous US sitcom ever, we could do this by feeding in all the data we have about our colleagues into an enterprise AI system and asking it to deduce some patterns in their needs and strengths — we can start figuring out how to make these facts practical.
A good place to test this theory would be at Rachel’s door. Rachel is a proper slippery pole. She’s a shape shifter. So I figure if AI can help us keep someone on track who makes a king cobra seem predictable, you’ll be convinced it can change, or save, or both, the world.
What do we think NOT Rachel’s priorities would be as our Marketing and Brand Manager?
- Leverage her trend-spotting abilities to identify emerging coffee trends
- Assign her to lead social media campaigns and influencer partnerships
- Provide clear goals and deadlines to keep her focused.
Imagine NOT Rachel’s OKRs including:
- Find two new coffee trends every quarter
- Increase customer delight by 0.5 every year (I haven’t deciding on the scale yet — probably something dull like CSAT)
- Not destroy the company by accidentally setting fire to the roaster
How about Quality Control Manager, NOT Monica?
- Put her in charge of developing and maintaining quality standards
- Encourage her to create efficient systems for tracking coffee bean quality
- Channel her competitive nature into improving company processes
This role is a match made in brewing heaven. NOT Monica would lose her shit maintaining quality standards! And imagine her walking round the gaff in a long white lab coat (as opposed to a short one which I believe has yet to be invented) calling the shots. Coffee shots! not JOEY — FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, YOU’VE JUST CRAPPED OUT ON SALESFORCE. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE ALL YOUR FORECASTING, PIPELINE, AND RECORDING BULLSHIT TO not CHANDLER?!?!
Even though there are only seven colleagues at Bean Hunters, which NOT Monica wants changed to Bean Counters because she’s obsessed with efficiency and cost management, and Joey wants changed to Bean Flickers because he’s a saucy son of a bitch, I think they should probably chat to the sales team at Glean because it would help NOT Joey not ruin Salesforce when he comes into the office twice a year.
NOT Phoebe
- Task her with developing unique, eco-friendly packaging designs
- Encourage her to brainstorm unconventional marketing ideas
- Provide a flexible work environment to nurture her creativity
I think Phoebe was the most underestimated character on the show. If you watch the arc of her development throughout all the serieses, you’ll notice she gets calmer, more reflective, and essentially becomes like a blonde Yoda. Man, I could sit down with Phoebe and talk about Alan Watts and that Zen of Motorcycle Maintenance for YEARS.
She’s also a seer which is a crucial attribute for someone who could team with NOT Rachel to develop new directions for ‘Counters/Hunters/Flickers.
NOT Joey
- Assign him to handle key client relationships and attend trade shows
- Provide scripts and talking points to keep him on message
- Pair him with Monica or Ross for important meetings to ensure professionalism
You put NOT Joey into a warzone and choose who you want to win by who he wants to make laugh. Instant dispute resolution. I love this guy. I don’t understand why NOT Joey, who’s never been known as Matt LeBlanc, isn’t still doing that spin-off series, Joey, about the misadventures of a baby kangaroo on the streets of New York City.
NOT Chandler
- Use his analytical skills to identify market trends and opportunities
- Encourage him to present data findings in a humorous, engaging way
- Provide opportunities for professional development to boost confidence
When I was setting up this coffee company I thought twice about whether NOT Chandler should have ABSOLUTELY NOT Gunther’s job. Which would be a literal definition of the upside-down pyramid. NOT Chandler charms like no one else. He’s the cathartic force of Hunters/Flickers/Counters and I know in a world where everyone thinks data is interesting as watching someone cut their nails, we need someone with BI and presentation smarts. NOT Chandler’s killing it in coffee — we wouldn’t be where we are in the fictional version of the Fortune 500 if it wasn’t for the fictional data analyst skills of NOT Chandler Bing.
NOT Ross
- Task him with researching new coffee bean varieties and cultivation methods
- Encourage him to develop educational materials for staff and customers
- Pair him with Rachel or Joey for customer-facing presentations to balance his academic approach
NOT Ross is our neurodivergent superhero. It’s here I question AI’s logic — I see NOT Ross as our maverick/renegade master who just goes out there with a figurative pan and some cool Levi’s, and comes back with several nuggets of gold that taste like coffee.
Objectives and Key Results (OKRs)
I very casually inferred OKRs for NOT Rachel, earlier. But let’s get serious for a moment. What do our OKRs look like on a company-wide basis, and then colleague-specific?
I think it’s fair to say AI did a vastly superior job figuring out how
Company-wide OKRs
Become the leading innovative and sustainable coffee brand in the market
- KR1: Increase market share by 15% within the next year
- KR2: Achieve a 90% positive sentiment score on social media
- KR3: Launch 3 new eco-friendly product lines
Objective: Enhance customer experience and loyalty
- KR1: Increase customer retention rate to 85%
- KR2: Achieve a Net Promoter Score (NPS) of 70+
- KR3: Implement a customer education program reaching 100,000 people
Objective: Optimize operations for efficiency and quality
- KR1: Reduce production costs by 10% while maintaining quality standards
- KR2: Achieve 99% quality consistency across all product lines
- KR3: Increase employee satisfaction score to 90%
Individual OKRs
ABSOLUTELY NOT Gunther (CEO)
Provide strategic leadership to achieve company-wide goals
- KR1: Hold weekly strategy meetings with department heads
- KR2: Increase cross-departmental collaboration by 30%
- KR3: Secure two strategic partnerships with sustainable suppliers
NOT Gunther’s strategic leadership contributes to all three company OKRs, ensuring overall alignment.
NOT Rachel (Marketing and Brand Manager)
Elevate Bean Hunters’ brand visibility and appeal
- KR1: Increase social media engagement by 50%
- KR2: Launch 5 successful influencer partnerships
- KR3: Identify and capitalize on 3 emerging coffee trends
NOT Rachel’s focus on brand visibility and appeal directly supports becoming a leading innovative brand and enhancing customer experience.
NOT Monica (Quality Control Manager)
Ensure consistently high-quality products
- KR1: Implement a new quality tracking system
- KR2: Reduce quality-related customer complaints by 80%
- KR3: Conduct monthly staff training on quality standards
NOT Monica’s emphasis on high-quality products contributes to becoming a leading brand and optimising operations.
NOT Phoebe (Creative Director)
Develop unique, eco-friendly brand identity
- KR1: Design packaging for 3 new product lines using sustainable materials
- KR2: Create 5 unconventional marketing campaigns
- KR3: Reduce packaging waste by 25%
NOT Phoebe’s work on eco-friendly branding supports the innovative and sustainable brand goal, while also enhancing customer experience through unique designs.
NOT Joey (Sales Representative)
Expand client base and improve client relations
- KR1: Increase sales by 20% through new client acquisition
- KR2: Achieve a client satisfaction rate of 95%
- KR3: Successfully represent Bean Hunters at 5 major trade shows
NOT Joey’s efforts to expand the client base and improve relations directly enhance customer experience and loyalty.
NOT Chandler (Data Analyst)
Provide data-driven insights to inform business strategies
- KR1: Develop a predictive model for coffee trend forecasting
- KR2: Increase data-driven decision making across departments by 40%
- KR3: Identify 3 new market opportunities through data analysis
NOT Chandler’s data-driven insights contribute to innovation and operational efficiency.
NOT Ross (Research and Development Manager)
Drive product innovation and education
- KR1: Develop 2 new coffee bean blends
- KR2: Create an educational series reaching 50,000 customers
- KR3: Improve crop yield for partner farmers by 15% through new cultivation methods
NOT Ross’ focus on product innovation and education supports all three company OKRs by driving innovation, enhancing customer experience through education, and optimising operations through improved cultivation methods.
How it all shakes down
What’s great here is a Mermaid diagram showing how individual OKRs mesh with each of the organisational OKRs.
Collaborative excellence
It’s important that everyone feels supported. ABSOLUTELY NOT Gunther can’t be everything to everyone. And NOT Chandler needs a lot of patience.
So we’ll assign everyone a team.
- Trend Team: ̶R̶a̶c̶h̶e̶l̶,̶ ̶C̶h̶a̶n̶d̶l̶e̶r̶,̶ ̶R̶o̶s̶s̶
- Customer Experience Team: ̶J̶o̶e̶y̶,̶ ̶M̶o̶n̶i̶c̶a̶,̶ ̶P̶h̶o̶e̶b̶e̶
- Sustainability Team: ̶P̶h̶o̶e̶b̶e̶,̶ ̶R̶o̶s̶s̶,̶ ̶R̶a̶c̶h̶e̶l̶
What Gunther will do is run weekly department syncs to ensure alignment and collaboration. He runs a tight ship. I don’t know what a tight ship is, but he runs one. Which ensures that this business keeps growing until it, ahem, floats.
To ensure everyone feels connected and motivated, we’re going to host a monthly “Innovation Day” encouraging all team members to brainstorm new ideas to keep not just the beans, fresh. There will be awards every year and because we’re woke, everyone will win at least one. Everyone will each win exactly four!
Our quarterly performance reviews are tied to OKR progress, with the annual PDP being a mixture of reflection, feedback, and previewing how each role and the business evolves. Everyone’s a futurist in this team, so there will be 360-degree feedback that also includes a vision workshop for everyone to share their suggestions on what Coffee Hunters will look like in 2030.
And because I created this business, there will be a world-class mentorship program.
- NOT Monica mentors NOT Joey on professionalism — she’s got the hardest job by a distance
- NOT Chandler mentors NOT Rachel on data-driven marketing — not that she’ll listen, but it will result in an external award with heaps of vibes and confidence to share with everyone
- NOT Ross mentors NOT Phoebe on research-based creative approaches — I can actually see this being a massive hit.
- There will be two-way mentoring with ABSOLUTELY NOT Gunther and all his DRs. He’s a great listener. All meetings will be laden with caffeine and at least once, NOT Chandler will swing from the boardroom chandelier (which is made from empty jars of Gold Blend).
And lastly, we’ll have Swap Day once per quarter — where team members shadow someone from a different department. Imagine the chaos! I’m thinking Little Computer People but real. Absolute nightmare, but pure genius, all in the same snowglobe!
This structure encourages collaboration, leverages individual strengths, and addresses potential weaknesses. It also ensures that all team members are working towards the company-wide objectives while pursuing their individual goals.
How do we keep this crew cookin’?
Motivation is everything at Coffee Hunters. So there are four other aspects to this business that I think grounds it in success:
- Implement regular team-building activities that play to each character’s strengths (e.g., NOT Monica organising a cooking competition, NOT Phoebe leading a sustainability workshop)
- Create a balanced reward system that recognizes both individual and team achievements
- Encourage cross-departmental projects to foster collaboration and idea-sharing
- Implement a flexible work environment that accommodates different working styles
Fine-tuning the business to its human heroes
We’ve talked a lot with AI to get here. And I undersold the outcome by saying it was all about management. We’ve built a frickin’ business! With some unsavoury SWOT analyses and a business canvas one-pager, I reckon we could call all the actors out of hibernation (maybe we’d struggle with NOT Chandler) and get them to run Coffee Hunters as a reality TV show!
I quite like the idea of going big, and hard, on assessing and monitoring personalities. So I have five tests that I want to run annually to course correct and operate the best coffee business outside of George Clooney.
Between them, these tests will help NOT Gunther to maximise strengths, mitigate weaknesses, and foster a collaborative, motivated team.
- DISC Assessment: To identify the characters’ behavioural styles, from NOT Joey’s influence, and NOT Monica’s dominance, to NOT Chandler’s conscientiousness.
- Big Five (OCEAN): For insights into each character’s openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism, helping to tailor management approaches.
- Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI): Understanding each character’s personality type, aiding in communication and team dynamics.
- Motivation Assessment: Identify what drives each character, allowing for personalised motivation strategies.
- Emotional Intelligence Test: Helping people like NOT Phoebe and NOT Joey to leverage their interpersonal skills in the workplace.
So there we have it. Coffee Hunters in a ‘nut’ shell. Ha ha! I hope you’ve enjoyed this romp through the creation of a company helmed by the world’s authority on coffee shops in sitcoms, supported by a cast of caffeinated cameos.
