It’s been a while
and that’s okay.
It’s been a slow transition and departure from the nonprofit I co-founded. I’ve made my decision in January, but it was only two weeks ago, in May, that I concluded my role and my time with them.
During these last months, I worked on breaking down my Executive Director role into three part-time positions to which I selected and trained people for in Marketing & Development, Event Production and Administrative. I also engaged two local companies — one to take over bookkeeping from the ED plate, and another for graphic design instead of hiring directly.
The days were filled with hands-on training, writing down processes that only existed in my head, and introducing each new person to relevant circles. I won’t lie — it felt pretty good to have a team, and every now and then, after a productive meeting, I wondered if I should change my mind and stay, make it work, find more income to keep all of us.
I wasn’t feeling overwhelmed anymore.
I was excited to see them putting in their know-how, talents and critical thinking to solve problems, improve workflows and implement new ideas.
“Why didn’t I scale up in 2022? I should have. I missed the mark. Am I really any good at this?” I regretted and beat myself up a few times, and in more desperate times “ What if I can’t find a new job?”
Fear is crippling and can leave us stuck in a place where we no longer belong.
Realizing that we’ve come full circle with a job, a relationship, a project, a season, doesn’t always come easy, and it can take several rounds of validation to get that courage back from fear to move on.
Three things helped me in this process:
1. SXSW
Being in Austin with so much art, culture and good energy opened up my eyes and heart to new possibilities. With budget constraints we could only be there for five days, but we made the best of it. It was also the first time Matt and I traveled just the two of us since Mel was born. This means eleven years, my friends. Eleven years! My mom came from Brazil to stay home with Mel during our trip and we also counted with the help of friends while we were out — it takes a village. ❤
From day one, I attended thought-provoking panels, mind blowing music shows from a solo artist with a guitar to a full band with an electrifying horns session and six African drummers. I made connections with local nonprofits, and community organizers, and ate delicious fish tacos almost every day. But my favorite moment was attending an authors meet-up and getting to know from wannabe writers like myself to accomplished ones — all in the same spirit of interacting and connecting. I felt encouraged every time I shared about my book idea.
On the last day, I got to meet briefly with Hugh Forrest, one of the founders of SXSW. Hugh gifted me with a ticket back in 2019 when he was the keynote speaker at the Florida Festivals & Events Association Conference. At the beginning of his talk he said he would giveaway a ticket to the person who asked the best question, and your girl scored it by asking about the importance of Diversity & Inclusion.
SXSW validated one thing: Everything is possible and the right people will find you — from the creator of one of the most important events in the world to the newbie jewelry artist I got the most exuberant earrings from, from the writer working for HBO to the one that just signed up for an Intro Memoir course.
What’s for us is out there.
We just need to be willing to show up with an open heart and open mind.
2. COVID
I did think my body carried the secret to covid immunity because for three years, even with a job that exposed me quite often during in-person events, it didn’t get me. Even when I took care of both, Mel and Matt in February of 2022, with Mel sleeping in my bed with me, still I was spared. So, I was feeling pretty invincible, until covid found its way into my system at the end of March of 2023.
Networking for five days straight in Austin may have pushed my luck a little too much. But getting so sick I could barely move for days in a row humbled me. After a week, when I felt a little better and decided to go for a walk, covid showed me that I was not in charge and put me back in bed for another couple of days. My body was done with my busy-ness and my go-go-go rhythm.
“God, I am done learning things the hardest way. I promise.” I prayed, but didn’t ask her for a ‘speedy recovery’ — no, I wasn’t going to dare asking for anything, I was going to accept and be grateful. “Thank you for my health. I allow my body the time it needs to heal.”
I was sick for two weeks, and the world, Matt’s business, the nonprofit, the school carpool, the food and the laundry, everything essential got done, things moved along, all while I recovered.
Turns out, I am not the savior of the world.
3. Therapy
It’s one thing to make a pretty gratitude prayer like that, but I know that five minutes later Imma be spiraling again. This brain of mine is a tricky one. I’ve known her for almost 40 years now — she is sneaky, but so is God, the Universe and my ancestors.
While shamelessly doom scrolling on Instagram instead of doing anything more productive, I see a post from an old friend I went to school with in 8th grade. The post said: Do you know what burnout syndrome is? the three pictures that followed it had brief explanations and the caption contained an invitation to a Zoom session about the subject.
I readjusted my pillow to a seating position and begin to check her content as if I needed more to understand that that was a sign. I reached out to Marina via DM and since our friendship faded in high school, I got the green light to schedule our first session.
This time I committed to stick to it. Too many times I started therapy and left at the first momentary breakthrough, after that session where I didn’t find anything to complain about. “Well, I guess I’m all good.” I’d tell myself and fifteen minutes later proceeded to break up with the therapist. This time, for real, I am sticking with it.
I am really doing the hard work of discovering what I want for my life and working up whatever I need to work up — courage, resilience, acceptance, knowledge, patience, self-love, forgiveness — to carry on and pay the price of doing what I want and not what I should be doing.
Fuck shoulds.
Now, remind me of that tomorrow, will you?
So, it’s been a while, but it’s okay.
Last week I started resting from the grind. I have learned that burnout is 80% how we relate to work, our abilities to set boundaries and understand our worth outside of it, and only 20% the actual amount of work.
I followed my therapist’s advice and for a few days ditched my planner and calendar. It was harder than I thought it would be. When you live so many years by your calendar and never-ending to-do lists, it can feel like you’re lost floating in space, but not in a relaxing way. It feels like a comet will hit you at any moment.
Resting can be scary, like most things we aren’t familiar with can be. But I am betting I can learn. I can love rest. I will believe in it. I will do it.
For sure I’ve got a lot of unlearning and rewiring to do.
I hope you stick with me.
Before I go, I will leave you with a poem that has been helping me in this process.
FORGING THE ARMOR
by Rudolf Steiner
I refuse to submit to fear,
That takes away the joy of my freedom,
That doesn’t let me risk anything,
That makes me small and petty,
That ties me up,
That doesn’t let me be direct and frank,
That chases me,
That negatively occupies my imagination,
That always paints dark visions.
However, I don’t want to build barricades for fear of fear,
I want to live and not shut myself off.
I don’t want to be friendly for fear of being sincere.
I want to step firmly because I’m safe, and not to cover up the fear.
And when I stay in silence, I want to do it for love and not because I fear the consequences of my words.
I don’t want to believe something just for fear of not believing in anything.
I don’t want to philosophize for fear that something might hit me up close.
I don’t want to bend just because I’m afraid of not being lovable.
I don’t want to impose something on others for fear that they might impose something on me.
For fear of making mistakes I don’t want to become inactive.
I don’t want to run back to the old, the unacceptable, for fear of not feeling safe in the new.
I don’t want to be important because I’m afraid of being ignored.
For conviction and love I want to do what I do and let go of I don’t do.
From fear I want to take the domain and give it to love.
And I want to believe in the kingdom that exists in me.
Rest well, friends.
Thali
Originally published at https://thali.substack.com.
