On mixed emotions and hope for women’s rights

I got the news this morning while waiting for Page 15’s program to start.

I instantly regretted having read the Reuters notification that popped up on my screen.

A knot in my stomach.

I’m seating in a room full of parents and kids. It’s the book release party with rising + middle schoolers showcasing a snippet of the creations they worked all week on alongside peers, instructors and illustrators.

I look at the pre-teen girls seated in front of me on the floor and think of the news I just got.

“I’m sorry. We failed. Your bodies are not free. We gotta keep fighting.”

For a moment I am sad about raising my daughter in this country.

But in the next moment, I watch kid after kid step on a tiny stage in front of a microphone + a bunch of strangers. They share, some in exciting tones, some in shy voices, but they all share the product of their creative minds.

I am in awe.

They are brilliant.

My eyes are watery.

For a moment I love this country and all the opportunities I am able to give to my daughter. All the amazing organizations that provide arts and sports, and make it financially accessible to families in need.

I look around.

I’m grateful.

Mel goes up.

Following an alphabetical order by last name, Sugisawa tends to be one of the last ones.

She looks at the audience in front of her, takes a breath and starts with “hello”.

She’s confident.

People react to the story and her storytelling style. Those summer camps at The Rep really taught her how to project her voice.

She ends with “to be continued…”

Everyone claps.

As we walk back to the car feeling proud and accomplished, I can’t help but to start thinking about the news.

A friend, who is on the other side of this debate, openly against abortion, sends me a video.

They know my pro-choice stance, of course. We’ve had this conversation before in a respectful way, both on social media and in-person.

I hesitate for a moment to hit play, but I go for it.

They say that even though this is the result they wished for, they wanted me to know that they are thinking about me and that my feelings are valid and that they respect me as a thinker, an activist and a person who works hard for social change.

It’s a genuine good, caring video from someone who’s on the opposite side of things from me, but who I love and care about.

I say thank you in a voice message.

As Matt drives us home, I’m on the passenger scrolling through social media and see so much rage. My email flooding with “take action” messages.

I peek inside myself trying to find my rage, but there’s no sign of it.

I look deeper and realize that in the midst of it all, I am grieving for the steps back and for the pain women will go through, but I am also hopeful and so ready to keep fighting.

For all the girls in that room.

For my friends.

For Mel.

For my conservative friend’s daughter.

For us.

Stay hopeful.