Power Trips
I remember being a snob.
When you start making real money at a young age, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that you’re better than others. You’re rude to a server, rush a sales associate, have zero tolerance for minor mistakes… Not my usual thing back then, but I cringe at the memories of when I was not polite to people or when I made a big deal out of nothing.
It’s a power trip, do you agree?
When you catch it early on, maybe by seeing someone act the same you did, maybe that time you were sober enough to see how ridiculous the situation was, you decide to self-correct.
Sometimes you overcorrect by making it awkward with exaggerated compliments and gratitude to the point that the offended person is like, “Okay, you were forgiven 10 compliments ago. You can stop now. It’s getting weird.”
I’m not saying it was me, but I’m not saying it wasn’t me at an Italian restaurant in 2003.
I’ve been thinking about the allegations of Lizzo’s toxic and abusive behavior by a handful of dancers. If you don’t know me super well, then here are two facts I’m always eager to share:
- I love Lizzo
- I believe victims
Loving Lizzo
Lizzo has made such an impact with her body positivity and self-love messages through her music. It’s been wild seeing a woman feel confident in a body that is not the type of body that has been pushed down our throats by the media and the cosmetic industry in the last century.
Yes, there will always be a skinny tall, long-legged, blonde star, but now there’s Lizzo too.
My point is: diverse pop stars with a message of self-esteem can help girls love their bodies, their skin color, their faces, their ethnicity, their hair, instead of embarking on a co-dependent relationship with the scale. One in which a person wakes up, goes to the bathroom, strips down, steps on the scale, and then let those numbers tell her if she’s good or bad; if her body is worthy of love or hate.
That was me until 15 months ago.
Lizzo helped me break up with the scale and understand that physical activity goes beyond weight loss. I’ve been learning to exercise from a place of love for my body instead of a place of punishment for the foods I eat.
It was about damn time.
Believing Victims
As a survivor of abuse, a and as someone who has had very toxic bosses, it is my number one rule to always believe victims, to give them the benefit of trust, and to not dismiss them at first for any reason.
When there are witnesses and evidence, then the discussion is really over for me. The abuser must recognize the mistake, apologize, pay up, and self-correct.
It is tough to come forward and speak up when the abuser is powerful and influential. It takes more than courage. It takes, in this case, a sisterhood mentality, where you know that by breaking the cycle of abuse, by exposing the situation, the next person will have better chances of encountering a changed boss.
But of course, this is all easier said than done.
Talk is easy.
When we feel vulnerable at a job, dependent on that income, and attaching our worth to our careers or relationships, it feels almost impossible to speak up.
Walking away quietly without making any waves is what we (mostly women) have been conditioned to do. I walked away quietly, crying and humiliated, when I should have been screaming.
Sometimes it’s an internal scream to HR, not a Facebook post. Sometimes it is a confidential lawsuit instead of a press release. Sometimes it’s years later, maybe two whole decades at a public rally, sometimes it’s for a close circle of friends.
Either way, I don’t believe that in this day and age, we will ever regret talking truth to power or naming our abusers for the sake of others.
All my love and appreciation to the former dancers.
A people-first leadership style
After my snob season was over at 20, and work got serious with my career escalating to global markets, I strived to be a caring leader. There’s a long learning curve when you put people first and when you adapt to meet where your team members are.
Boundaries must be in place to avoid emotional dumping — I learned that the hardest way. With more than two decades of both, being led and leading, I don’t regret adopting this style.
Why? Because when you genuinely care about your team, they will deliver at their best capacity. And if they are not meeting expectations, parting ways on good terms should always be an option.
So…
If you can choose to be anything, be kind.
Or better yet:
Don’t be a jerk.
Because eventually, it will get embarrassing and even expensive.
On a personal note
My summer home sabbatical turned into a sabbatical-ish.
I’m working part-time for a woman & minority-owned marketing agency on projects that bring me real joy and keep my brain’s business wheels rolling. And, of course, freelance grant writing, too, because it was one of my favorite things working in the nonprofit world.
Memoir Update
Chapter 2 is ready, and I’m now working on Chapter 3! I am taking two courses at Gotham Writers, Memoir II and Nonfiction Book Proposal. It’s been an amazing journey. I’m so happy to see my evolution as a writer.
Thank you for hanging with me until the end and for your support!
Love,
