1 Time Only or 1 Time Anytime?
That’s my crew, the Sells. Two kids in travel Soccer, ok Fútbol, has lead us to a life of loading up, heading out, and playing Uber. Practices, games, tournaments, muddy cleats, stinky socks, the cold weather, the wet weather, and I could go on and on, but that’s my crew, the Sell’s, and we’re all together. Hell most of the time we’re even smiling about it.
This isn’t our story about being a Soccer family, it’s the story that got us to today. In fact, this is a hard story for me to share, personal, vulnerable, as I have to admit my personal failures, but I need to. I hope it helps anyone willing to listen.
The New Job
In late June of 2005, I’d just started at Microsoft. Bucket list job. A big deal for most software developers, and a big opportunity to work for one of the greats. My very first week required me to jump on a plane and head west to the mother ship. As life would have it, this was also the same week my wife Carrie was scheduled for our very first ultrasound. This presented us with a tough decision. Should I push back on Microsoft and be with my wife, or don’t screw up the first week of a brand new job?
You see, we’d been trying for sometime to start our family. The ultrasound for us is wonderful news; it was progress. Carrie and I discussed the importance of both activities, and decided not to push back on the new job as there would be many more ultrasounds to come, and so I soon set off.
I’ll never forget that Wednesday, June 22nd I believe, deep in the middle of first week but also ultrasound day. It was late in the afternoon when I got the call. I couldn’t wait to talk with Carrie. I answered the phone only to hear my wife devastated. The ultrasound showed no heartbeat.
What in the actual !@#$% just happened?
This wasn’t the right phone call. Something had gone wrong here. Everything felt wrong. Oh, I’m 2,500 miles away too, and there isn’t anything I can do. I’m upset, Carrie’s upset, and I can’t be there for my wife. What in the !@#$ !@#!$ had just happened. Now the doctors said, “Relax, these things happen. We will try next week. We could just be too early.”
Let’s recap: new job, new people, new boss, 2,500 miles away, wife devastated. This was Wednesday; I was scheduled to go back home Saturday. For whatever reason later that day I confided in a new peer of mine, Ben. I told him what had taken place, and he told me I needed to tell my boss and go home. Go home? In fact, I think he said something to the effect of: “You !@#$%ed up! Get on the next plane, and go home!” Um yea bro, sure.
But it was the next statement that changed my life. Ben goes on to say. “Listen, there are things you can do one time and one time only and there are things you can do one time anytime”….. He goes on to say: “That was your one time and one time only. You only ever get one very first ultrasound, and you gave that up. You gave that up for this.”
There are things you can do one time and one time only, and there are things you can do one time, anytime.
He was right. DEAD RIGHT. I wasn’t strong enough to say NO. More importantly, I didn’t even know what my true priorities were.
After being persuaded by Ben, I called my boss, Bill (who to this day was still one of the best managers and mentors I’ve had), and explained what happened. He reiterated that I was, in fact, the truest of idiots. I should have never been there. He could have just told me to go home, but he didn’t. Rather he booked the next flight out of SeaTac, hooked up my arrangements, and sent me home.
The very next week, another ultrasound, but this time there was a heart beat, and I was there. 🎉 38 weeks later, our first was born, we call him Ethan. Actually that’s a lie. We all call him E.
Thank you Bill, Thank you Ben!
But the story doesn’t stop there. Not a day goes by when I don’t find myself going through this “1 or 1 flowchart.” It is so easy to get caught up in life and the hustle.
In my research, Time is to be defined as a slippery, odorless substance, which disappears faster and without realization. — me
We’ve now been indoctrinated into this new world of parenting. We were noobs with good intentions, and high expectations. I was living by my new mantra, 1 or 1. I was climbing the ranks at Microsoft while being a husband and a father.
Like any job, some projects were good and others… well, I guess they were not ideal. This next one was… suboptimal. However, this one would end up altering the course of my professional career.
We were tasked with building software that would send a “prescription” to a medical device. This device was a class 2 medical device. “Class 2” may sound like it’s of second class importance, but it’s important enough that human life would be at risk. Granted, it wasn’t class 1, but I’d be damned if someone was going to die on my software!
Ironically, the project quickly became a traditional “death march”. The project had to be done “yesterday”! Market pressures, budget constraints, pressures from the FDA, blah blah blah. If memory serves me right, I billed ~2,500 hours in just 7 months, and those were just the hours I was allowed to bill. It wasn’t just me either; it was the entire team. We were working at all costs to get things done, and done right, all while making our dates within budget. Did it happen? Yes! Yes it sure damn did. My team was awesome, we made our date, and we shipped.
But we weren’t heroes, nor was that a behavior to model or even celebrate.
But here’s the rub: the project never shipped!
That’s right, NEVER SHIPPED. Millions of dollars spent to build this, our families waiting for us to come home, people changing their careers afterwards, and all for nothing. Well, maybe, it wasn’t for nothing. After everything was said and done, we found a miscalculation in the device. That hardware bug ultimately determined the project’s fate long before we had even started coding. So maybe our efforts ended up saving someone's life by not actually shipping. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
At the end of the project I’ll never forget my 3 year old son asking me. “Dad do you not love us anymore? Why won’t you come home? Why won’t you stay home?”
1 or 1? WTF had I done?
I was defeated. Devastated. I had failed my kids. My wife. Me. All for a project that never even shipped. All for some 1s and 0s.
When this project ended Addison just turned 1. I remember reaching down to pick her up only to have her run away. I’d become a stranger to my very own daughter.
Or maybe I should be asking, “Was I always a stranger?”
Now I’d made damn sure I was practicing my “1 or 1”. Where did everything go wrong? It didn’t, but now I’ve come to realize it’s just the base of the life cocktail. I just wasn’t there, 1st time or not. She’s right. She’d been telling me all along that I was this stranger but I wasn’t listening.
Work should never come before family. All this work we had done didn’t even ship, but my kids were rev’n every year whether I was going to be there or not.
Your kids will always keep you honest, but you have to choose to pay attention and choose to listen.
Hindsight is always 20/20. Looking back, it‘s pretty clear I made plenty of missteps. It would be unfair for me to blame work. It’s not their fault, it was mine. I enabled them. I gave them all the power to put work first above all else. I had trained them I would be willing to work a 72 hour shift at all costs.
That project had profound impacts on our family. I immediately switched jobs. I started learning how to say no. I reflected more and more on what was really important. Who was the father I wanted to be, and how could I achieve that? I started getting involved with things like Soccer and created moments that work could never take away or interrupt.
On Saying NO
Just Do It! Saying no is really really hard. There have been many articles and books written about this very subject. We never want to disappoint someone or appear unhelpful. It’s also not rude even though the very word no sounds so harsh. I mean no is a word barked at us from a very early age, but its context changes over time from, doing something wrong to unable to do something.
I’ll be honest: I’m terrible at saying no. Those who know me know I work a lot. I still get involved in way too much, but it’s who I am. Carrie and I know this, and we try to manage my behavior to achieve the best result for everyone. I wish there was some secret sauce on how to say no, but there isn’t. There are different ways to say no, some better than others. In the end just be honest with yourself and transparent with others. I think if you’re genuine about it, others will be too.
Family “Rules”
There are a few things we try to practice as a family. I’d thought I’d share a few. These are in no order.
#1 Dad close the laptop lid. I need Dad time. My kids have been granted the power to tell me that I need to, what I’m doing at that moment.
#2 Hugs, and make time to cuddle. My kids are still fairly young but no matter how old you are, hugs are great. I always try to practice being present no matter what’s going on in that moment.
#3 Always say goodnight no matter where you are. When I used to visit my grandparents, they had a little saying we had to say every night, no matter what. I loved it, and my family does it to this day. On the surface it might seem silly but when you have to address your loved ones every night you can’t just sweep the bad days under the rug.
Night Night
I love you with all my heart
Happy Dreams
Sweet Dreams
See you in the Morning
#4 Communicate at all costs. Just talk, express one’s feelings without yelling, and create the safe environment where everyone can speak their hearts.
#5 Dinner. That’s right. Maybe it’s old school, but everyday we try to have dinner as a family. When that little work voice whispers in your ear, “I need you to sssstay,” don’t listen. Take a break, and come back at it later. You might actually solve that problem faster.
Uultimately you're your own decision maker. Those decisions you make you must live with. You should be mindful of your time, your environment, and how those decisions impact you, your family, and the environment around you.
Also remember while something might not seem like a big deal to you, it might be a giant deal to someone else. You need to listen, internalize, and prioritize. “That’s great Clark, but my job won’t let me”. Excuse! I say. You’ve decided to hide from the hard stuff.
Say no, but do so respectfully. Offer options in hard times, building solutions for both parties. Sometimes the right decisions are the hardest ones to make.
Just remember; there are things you can do one time and one time only and there are things you can do one time anytime.
Choose your life accordingly.
~Clark
