Kyle and Quags Mascot Pick-Em: Celebrity Edition

Picking football games based on reality is hard! But hey, baby, this is Hollywood! Big time celebrities all around you! Champagne at 9AM, cause the living is easy!

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That Good You Need

6 min readDec 15, 2016

It’s Week 15 in the NFL, and you know what that means. Time for the celebrities to come out and play! Everyone knows Week 15 is “Celeb Week”, and in honor of that we’re picking games based on celebrities from city’s these teams are from. As they say on set, ACTION!

Chargers vs. Raiders

Kyle: Battle of Cali. I heard that if you go to California and don’t refer to it as Cali when talking to locals, you’ll get heckled.

On one side of this battle, we have famous skateboarder, Tony Hawk. Tony Hawk Pro Skater is one of the best games of all time and the soundtracks were amazing. Does anyone remember the warehouse in Tony Hawk Pro Skater 1? I don’t think I ever played any other levels in that game to be honest, but I loved jumping through that secret glass rooms for extra points.

On the other side, we have Ice Cube. I think Ice Cube is from Oakland because he’s always wearing a Raiders hat. In addition to his Raiders hat, I also believe Ice Cube has an attitude as he was in famous rap group NWA and I don’t think they let you in the group without one.

I like NWA, but I like Tony Hawk Pro Skater a lot more so I am picking San Diego aka Saint Diego here.

Quags: Tony Hawk and Ice Cube, two people that really pushed boundaries in their fields. Tony Hawk did the first 900, and Ice Cube was the first rapper to ever have a good day.

I think I’m going to reverse engineer this a bit. Tony Hawk and Ice Cube. See what I’m getting at? Ice Cube’s name might have been on a blimp, but Tony Hawk flies high as Ice Cube melts down to just some dumb water. San Diego wins.

Bills vs. Browns

Quags: Drew Carey is from Cleveland, and I’m from right around Buffalo. Drew Carey had his own TV show and now he hosts The Price is Right. I have a Master’s Degree and a fairly good job, nothing huge but pretty ok for someone at my age.

What it really comes down to is this: Could I host The Price is Right? It starts sort of early, but the answer is yes. Bills win big.

Kyle: Quags is from Buffalo and I don’t think anyone truly lives in Cleveland. Even though I don’t like Quags very much as we are competing against each other each week, I guess I have to pick the Bills because Cleveland has a population of 0.

The ‘You Don’t Know Jack’ Lock of the Week (Falcons vs 49ers)

Each week, we have Jack provide us with just one pick we can definitely, surely, without a doubt count on. Maybe.

“Welcome to Atlanta, where the players play, and we ride on them thangs like every day. Big beats. Hit streets. See gangstas roaming. And parties don’t stop ‘til eight in the morning.” — excerpt from Offensive Coordinator Kyle Shanahan’s personnel meeting yesterday / lyrics from a song by Jermaine Dupri and Ludacris

Kyle is 100% listening to a ‘Best of Ludacris’ Spotify playlist

It is no coincidence that Ludacris wants to consummate his relationship with you, the listener, in the middle of a field goal attempt by “The Dirty Birds”. He is a Falcons fan. A true ATLien, through and through. I bet he even watches Georgia Tech games. That’s loyalty folks. How do I know all this? Well, his lyrics, sure, but I’ve also met Ludacris.

As I may or may not have mentioned before in this very space (Editor’s Note: He has mentioned it) I am from Los Angeles. The stars are everywhere in Tinsletown, including the hallway bathroom your law firm shares with a renowned Malibu based chiropractor. One moment you’re putting together a case file for your boss, the next moment the other clerk runs into your office short of breath, asking you to confirm his suspicion that Ludacris is in our bathroom. Naturally, I investigated. Nothing screams awkward like walking into a bathroom, realizing you don’t actually have to go to the bathroom, pausing like a deer caught in the headlights of Luda’s Cutlass Supreme, and then slowly ambling to the sink to wash your hands. In between a generic exchange of pleasantries, complimenting his discography, and a plea from Luda to tell “that other guy” to “stop snitchin’”, something strange happened.

As Ludacris went to get a paper towel to dry his hands he started shaking, as if possessed. His eyes rolled back in his head and in voice that was akin to a demonic Trey Wingo he shouted: “with the defensive acumen of Dan Quinn and acquisition of former Browns great Alex Mack bolstering the offensive line the Falcons will enter Week 15 at 8–5 and first in the NFC South! Julio Jones will continue to cement himself as one of the three best wideouts in the league, Taylor Gabriel will emerge as a legitimate big play weapon, and Matt Ryan will be in the midst of putting together an MVP caliber season!”

Ludacris telling the fans that Richard Sherman committed pass interference on Julio Jones and thats why they lost to the Seahawks in week 6

It was strange.

I am certainly not going to bet against a critically acclaimed recording artist who also has the ability to see into the future though, and neither should you.

Falcons win, 38–14

Broncos vs. Patriots

Kyle: Where is New England? Is it the 51st state? Did I miss something? Google tells me its composed of Connecticut, Maine, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Rhode Island, and Vermont. None of those states are exciting except Massachusetts (I know, I’ve lived up there). Matt Damon is from Massachusetts. Like Matt Damon, I enjoy going to local colleges, pretending to be a janitor, and solving complex math equations. It’s a hobby of mine.

As for Denver, Tim Allen is from there. I love all three Toy Story movies even though the third one made me cry. I also enjoyed Home Improvement. What ever happened to Jonathan Taylor Thomas? I hope he didn’t end up like other child actors. Anyways, I enjoy doing math problems at local colleges more than I do crying so I’m picking New England.

Quags: I work at a local college, and people that are posing as janitors are always coming in and solving complex math problems that I write on the chalk boards. It just annoys the heck out of me. It really makes me go against all the good will that I have for people. Honestly, it makes me want to go hunting for the janitors so that I can find them and ask them to stop, but I just can’t find them. One day I’ll get to give them a piece of my mind.

Anyway, Tim “The Tool Man Tayler” is involved in this matchup, which means that the fix is in. I’m going Broncos.