Kyle and Quags’ Mascot Pick-Em: Food Edition

Picking football games based on reality is hard! Gorging yourself with food is easy. Why don’t teams just have eating contests?

Published in

That Good You Need

5 min readDec 8, 2016

It’s week something in the NFL season. I’m not sure, I think they’re in the teens, but it’s still a while before the playoffs start.

Anyway, most of the mascots have gone into hibernation and for that reason, we’re picking games based on what food each city eats to prevent them from growing cold during the long, winter months.

Dolphins (Cuban Sandwich) vs Cardinals (Arizona Tea)

Quags: Here’s the thing about Arizona Tea, it’s 99 cents. You can’t beat it. It’s under a dollar.

Meanwhile, the Cuban sandwich was invented by Fidel Castro as a way to influence Americans into sympathizing with him. Yes, Cuban sandwiches are delicious and likely the best choice when considering what to get from the food truck specializing in paninis down the street from your office, but I’ll tell you what, I’m no communist. Arizona wins.

Kyle: After doing hours of research, it has come to my attention that Arizona Iced Tea isn’t even brewed in Arizona and even WORSE, the company was exposed by the FDA for using human urine in some of their products….I’d rather be a communist than drink that. The kings of the sea over the kings of pee.

Giants (Hot Dog) vs Cowboys (BBQ)

Quags: The questions we face most often in life, those which show themselves again and again as we move through out time on Earth, often seem simple and yet, present unique challenges. They cause us to question our psyche, our very being. The one I’ve thought of most in the past year is so is very timely: is a hot dog a sandwich?

Now, I’m personally on the side of the argument that proclaims, with little question, that a hot dog is a sandwich. Meat and condiments, extras like pickles and onions, placed on a piece of meat between bread. It matters not that the bread is connected, for goodness sakes, think of a hoagie on a long roll! That is certainly a sandwich, is it not!?

And yet, the mere fact that this divisive issue can drive us apart shows that the Giants will not play as a team. They’ll be too divided about their city’s premier food. BBQ, on the other hand, is completely agreeable. It works together as a team. It’s going to win the NFC East. I’m going Cowboys.

Kyle: Is a hot dog a sandwich? Not sure. Do I care? Nope. Hot dogs are great. I love them on the 4th of July, I love them at barbecues, and I love them at baseball games. But wait, are we sure that hot dogs are the food of New York? I once saw a video of a rat carrying a piece of pizza in New York. I’m pretty sure that makes pizza the food of the big apple…

I don’t care WHAT the food of Texas is if it’s going up against pizza. Give me a Giant slice because the boys from New York, who don’t even play in New York, win this one.

The ‘You Don’t Know Jack’ Lock of the Week: You Do Know Kyle, But Get to Know Him a Little Better

Kyle: Jack is tired and doesn’t want to write about food so I will be doing two duties this week.

Welcome to… You don’t know Kyle.

I’m Kyle. I am newly single. If you think I’m funny, please follow me @Kgeich on twitter and feel free to slide in those DMs. I tell a lot of great jokes, dress extremely well (I have Yeezys), and I have a job. I like cuddling, watching movies, happy hour, and whatever you like.

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Browns (Brown) vs Bengals (Skyline Chili)

Quags: Skyline Chili is this weird “restaurant” they have in Ohio that serves the abomination above that they refer to as “chili”. Yes, that is being served over spaghetti.

“Brown” is what I imagine every person in Cleveland eats for every meal. It is probably served in a solid cube of matter, like the one pictured above.

If given a choice between these two, I choose to move out of the state of Ohio. No one wins here, and the Universe collapses upon itself in an extravagant display of just how awful this is.

Kyle: The Battle of Ohio. Whoever wins, they still lose. Does Ohio even have any good food? I always assumed the whole state just ate a lot of gruel. Sorry boys, but this one can only end in a grueling tie.