Kyle and Quags’ Mascot Pick-Em: Week 6

Picking football games based on reality is hard, that’s why we don’t do it! Picking football games based on a hypothetical battle of their mascots? Now you’re talking.

It’s Week 6 in the NFL and time for a new feature, Kyle and Quags’ Mascot Pick-Em. Each week, we’ll pick 4 games based solely on how their mascots match-up. Come for the weird match-ups, and stay to find out what the heck a Brown is.


Eagles vs. Redskins

Kyle: As an Eagles fan, I figured I had to do this game. On the surface, this seems pretty obvious. It HAS to be the Redskins, right? They would shoot down the Eagle with their bow-and-arrow and game over. The Eagle is dead. Well, if you thought like that, you thought like an idiot. The Eagle is America’s animal and America never takes an L. The Eagle would easily dodge the Redskin’s arrow, swoop down, pick him up, fly him to the nearest cliff, and drop him right off. Simple. And with that, the Eagles will beat the Redskins.

Quags: Well, that was definitely a casual way to start the conversation. Typical Philly guy, using the NFL’s favorite racial epitaph without blinking an eye. While I’m not denying the Eagle’s ability to swoop in and avoid an initial attack, it’s obvious that there would be more than one member-of-the-football-team-in-Washington-person going after the Eagle. Eagles don’t fight in groups, but the DC-American-Football-Team-from-Washington’s members do. The dang Eagles are going down.


Rams vs Lions

You know you want to sing that song out loud. Do it. DO IT.

Quags: Next up we have the Rams and the Lions. I’m conflicted here. On the one hand, we have the obvious choice, the Lions, with all their King of the Jungle glory. Sharp teeth! Claws! One of the most successful Disney franchises of all time! But don’t discount the Rams who have…uh…horns? And they can…slam stuff…yeah I’m going with the Lions.

Kyle: First of all *ahem*

Nants ingonyama bagithi baba!

Anyway, I see my counterpart didn’t get too deep with this game and I think that’s a mistake. Below is a Venn diagram comparing lions and rams:

Science

As you can see, these two animals have a lot in common, but also have some fundamental differences. The main one thing that sticks out to me is the fact that Rams are hard headed. Hard headed people never give up. I imagine the Ram being down a leg after the Lion has bitten it off, but still having the drive and courage to run one last time at the Lion and kill him with its horns. This won’t be a pretty game and both teams will lose limbs, but I’m going with the Rams here. Just like Mufasa, the Lions are going to get run over.

RIP

Dolphins vs. Steelers

Kyle: This is a very interesting one. I’m not quite sure what a Steeler can do, but I have seen Flipper on VHS and know what Dolphins are capable of. Normally, I would say this battle takes place in the ocean, but it’s well known that football is played on land. No matter how cute they are, I don’t think Dolphins can survive outside of the ocean. Put that Dolphin in a steel coffin because the Steelers got this one.

Quags: The question that lies in front of us here isn’t about Dolphins at all, Kyle is right about that, it’s about Steelers. More definitively, what a Steeler is. Is it someone who works in a steel mill? Is it some kind of being made of steel? Is it a misspelling for “stealer” or “thief”? We’ll never know, and there is no way we can ever find out. All we can do is guess. I’m going to guess that a whatever a Steeler is, it needs heat to function and meld things together. Where are the Steelers and Dolphins playing on Sunday? That’s right, Miami. It will be hot. The Steelers will win.


Browns vs. Titans

Quags: Our final game of the week, the Browns and Titans. A member of the second generation of divine beings against the Browns. Until the Browns can prove otherwise, I am assuming they’re just a gross, useless, color. Titans will dominate.

Kyle: Sadly, looks like we disagree again, Quags. Yes, Titans are god-like beings, but Browns are brown, just like the color of the dog poop that you see left on the sidewalks of Cleveland. Even gods can step in dog poop and I imagine they will do just that. This poop will stick to the bottom of their shoes and never come off. It will defeat these gods and frustrate them to no end. I got the Browns winning this one.


Week 6 Summary:

Quags: DC American Football Team from Washington, Lions, Steelers, Titans

Kyle: Eagles, Rams, Steelers, Browns

Good luck to all and remember, don’t bet on sports.

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