STEAKS AT RESTAURANTS ARE AN AMERICAN TRADITION
Unlike many other publications, That Good You Need has no editorial board dictating a consistent and centralized message. This is a good thing; our writers are given greater freedom to record their musings on the world, and our readers are exposed to a wider variety of opinions.
This freedom also opens the door for internal debate. For the sake of collegiality, our writers normally strive to not contradict or attack each other’s pieces. That said, it is the duty of any thinking person to stand up and take action when such a ridiculous and ill-considered piece as our own Lucas Quagliata’s “That Bad You Don’t Need: Steak at Restaurants” is published and roams freely across the web. Freedom of speech is a noble ideal, but it only works if bad arguments are snuffed out by the sheer weight of superior ones. That is why our task today is not only to prove Mr. Quagliata wrong, but also to improve the world.
Steaks at restaurants are an American tradition. Our heroes were not sheepboys or chickenboys; they were cowboys. It is the dream of any small boy to one day take out his family and, as the man of the house, order the largest steak on the menu. That is how you know you’ve made it. Queen-cut? What do I look like, a Democrat? This impresses on his children both the comfort of their condition, and a sense of old-fashioned masculinity. There are few situations in the rearing of children as inherently valuable as this.
Mr. Quagliata contends that purchasing a steak at restaurant is pointless because a better steak can be made at home. This is coastal elitism at its finest. The average American is too busy welding steel and hauling lumber to spend hours youtubing how to mimic a great restaurant steak. You know what else is a classic American job? The person that prepares the steak at a restaurant. Are we really going to so whimsically deprive another person of their livelihood?
Steaks prepared at home are not as good as steaks made at restaurants. Steaks at restaurants come out warm, perfectly seasoned, and with sides equally warm and ready to consume. That is because restaurants have heat lamps available to keep dishes warm until they are served, unlike the average American home kitchen. At home, steaks often sit until they are cool, while the person preparing them tends to the sides. Or, the sides are forced to sit and cool while the person runs out to tend to the steaks on the grill. What if, after a hard week at work, we just want to have it all?
There is also your health to consider: heaven knows that no matter how hard your uncle grates and scrapes your old grill, it will never be as clean as a restaurant’s. Cooking on this surface will leave your steak covered in black, carcinogenic residue. Every red-blooded American likes a little extra-flavor on their meat, but striking the right balance here is no task for an amateur. Prepare the steak in a pan, or in the oven, you say? I’m sorry, I didn’t realize the Communists won.
When ordering steak at a restaurant, you are ordering more than a meal; you are ordering an experience. Mr. Quagliata seems obsessed throughout his article about the price a steak can sometimes cost. You know what else costs a lot? A Ford Mustang. That does not mean you should build a Ford Mustang yourself. (That said, if you can assemble a Ford Mustang yourself, good on ya.)
When asked how he managed to maintain close friendships on the Supreme Court with justices on the opposite end of the political spectrum, the late-Justice Antonin Scalia responded that he only attacked ideas; never people. I hope Mr. Qualiata will recognize that this piece is not an attack on himself, nor his upstanding character. It is rather a response to an idea of his — an idea that was complete trash. Next time you’re at a restaurant, hold your family close, think of your country, and order a steak.
