This is the Only Year in Review Post, Ever
No one has ever written a year in review blog post. Ever. For any year. With that in mind I have decided to share some of my favorite things from the past twelve months, even though everyone on The Web tells me that 2016 was in fact a very Bad year and if The Web says it has to be true. Paul Walker AND Harambe died. I broke my foot. Brad and Angelina split up (which led some website named Moviepilot dot Com to call 2016 “The Year The Love Died”, seriously). Trump won. I broke my foot.
We are all fortunate, then, that in a year that has been so Bad there have been at least some Good things to look back on as we leave 2016 behind and enter a year where Russia will surely take advantage of our depleted celebrity population to infiltrate the country and finally win The Cold War.
Anyway, lets talk about Quavo. I’m hardly breaking any new ground here by saying Quavious Keyate Marshall AKA Quavo Huncho AKA one third of the 3 Wise Migos had a truly killer year. For one, he was the inarguable feature king of 2016. The former high school quarterback jumped on Pick Up the Phone by Travis Scott and Young Thug, helping cement the upbeat jam as the Song of the Summer*
The man who keeps an extra shirt in his MCM backpack because he’s a messy eater had 44 different guest spots on tracks this year, per Hot New Hip Hop dot Com, with a whopping nine different features in September. A list of his guest appearances reads like a Nelson Cruz monthly home run total breakdown on Baseball-Reference. The man went off. If you want to experience the QB turned MC’s greatness, Elz the DJ did a great job with this Featuring Quavo mix. And remember: while Champions was a banger, like the man says “QUAVO’S PART WAS ONLY 15 SECONDS”, so no, it is not in there.
*while Black Beatles (September 13th) technically came out before Summer officially ended (September 22nd), spiritually September 13th is Fall. School is in session, people are talking about pumpkin flavored shit, etc. Do not argue with me.
interlude: #2016faves
This effort (see what I did there?) from friend of the program Aaron Kobren is a master class in #slack and a tour de force of sloth that encapsulates how much help this guy truly needs.
“Calories burned: 1 Cal”
watch this show: Black Mirror (Netflix, Endemol UK)
No piece of media has made me as equally excited for, and afraid of, the future of technology since Terminator. As someone who still wants a Google Glass and would happily accept the Snap Spectacles (DM me for shipping address) it is clear that my fear of a Skynet type debacle can be overridden by my disgusting consumerism and passion for wearable tech. Listen, I grew up playing video games of course I want a real life HUD giving me augmented reality Yelp reviews of restaurants as I walk by them.*
After watching Black Mirror, though, my enthusiasm has been downgraded from “unbridled” to merely “bridled”. A dystopian future where you have to pay to skip pop up ads that follow you around. No thanks! Bees that are actually drones that are used by a computer terrorist? Fuck that! A neurological implant that lets you record, rewind, zoom in on, and review everything you have ever seen? Actually…I would really like to have Rewind Eyes. Sign me up for that. If I were pitching the show to a studio head I would describe it as a “technology focused Twilight Zone for Millennials”.
I can honestly say that each of the 13 episodes stuck with me. At the bare minimum I would mentally chew on them for the next day or two, and it was usually a much more arresting post viewing experience. The episodes are standalone stories so feel free to watch them out of order. Start with White Christmas (guest starring John Hamm) and let it blow your mind. You’re welcome.
*Full disclosure, Yelp Reviews do not factor into my decision making process I just love reading long winded Yelp reviews from amateur food critics and enjoy people who take themselves way too seriously.
Goodbye, Mr. Scully
It is tough for me to write something that properly encapsulates this moment, and what Vin Scully has meant to me and sports fans everywhere for almost 70 years, especially in a recap sort of piece like this. Maybe in the future I can write something worthy of The Voice of the Dodgers, but for now I leave you with his farewell address.
If you are an NBA fan, you probably know who Jimmy Goldstein is. If that name doesn’t ring a bell replace “Jimmy Goldstein” with “that tan old guy who wears the crazy leather outfits and the hats”. Now that you know who I’m talking about I invite you to read this piece by Michael Hafford on James F. Goldstein, super fan and super shitty landlord.
Michael does an admirable job detailing Mr. Goldstein’s life and relationship with the NBA while also diving into his shady history in real estate. He pulls no punches; the section on his mobile home park ownership opens with: “He’s an asshole. Write this down. He’s an asshole.” A well written article on an interesting, niche topic.
dab of the year: Squidward
(also receiving votes: every child on every Jumbotron at every sporting event)
interlude: #2016faves
This guy’s entire twitter feed. Michael Mason (Michael Porfirio?? idk) and his content toe the line between reality and parody. I have no idea if he is serious about High Quality Oils, Open Ocean Swims, Custom Suits, and Machetes…but he’s got my attention. His tweets read like a lighthearted American Psycho themed motivational book.
Thank you to friend of the program Brian Cunningham for putting me on to this modern genius.
#CirocLife ‘Pop That’ Memorial Song of the Year, presented by Ciroc
Broccoli by Big Baby D.R.A.M. featuring Lil Yachty
Big Baby D.R.A.M. dropped one of my favorite albums of the year this October and while the Virginia MC’s self-titled project is fire from top to bottom, ‘Broccoli’ is the real standout track. A playful beat, an aggressively fun hook, and an assist from Lil Yachty made this the perfect jam to wrap up Summer 2016. Plus, Yachty furiously pretends to play a recorder in the video and it is hilarious.
Sports Thing I Totally Forgot About Until Just Now: Tim Tebow, Baseball Player
Tim Tebow is a conduit for hot takes. If no one were allowed to comment on him (says the guy commenting on him…) he would be totally fine. One of the best NCAA quarterbacks of all time. One of the worst NFL quarterbacks of all time. A man who is defined by his faith, which in and of itself is fine, but when the proselytizing goes beyond religion and into money making it is no longer fine. He is clearly very self aware and knows what his legions of fans want. Those fans, though, are seemingly blind to his profiteering ways.
This made it all the more entertaining when it was announced he was going to try to become a professional baseball player. Cries of how good he was in high school (lol) and about his legendary work ethic (kill me) rang out. Anyone who has played baseball should know, however, that earnestness does not equal competence. There are plenty of players, some of whom might even possess a work ethic equaling Tebow’s, who have fallen by the wayside because their swings are trash and they have no clue how to fix them.
His workout for scouts at USC’s Deadaux Field (which was open to the media, obviously) was peak twitter. It was what periscope was invented for. It was everything we all wanted. To his rabid fans, it was an athlete a decade removed from a sport hitting a home run in batting practice and running a 60 yard dash in compression shorts. To his detractors, it was a joke. One scout described it as “watching an actor trying to portray a baseball player.” It was tough to give him the benefit of the doubt though, as before the tryout even took place he was hawking signed bats and balls on his website at over $100 each, and after signing with the New York Mets organization he stated he would not be available for weekends in their fall instructional league because he would be keeping his job as an analyst for ESPN and the SEC Network. The Mets didn’t care because they could sell merchandise. Just like they didn’t care that he hit .146/.205/.171 in the AFL (although they did care enough to seemingly hide his stats). It was always about the money for the cash strapped Mets and the marketing force that is Tebow was a perfect match.
I sit here on January 3rd, 2017, thinking about what this new year might hold for us. What will my next favorite hip hop album be? Will North Korea nuke us? Which sport will Tebow try his #blessed hand at next? No matter what, I hope to be here with you through it all. So strap in and prepare for me making (more) bad jokes online and giving you that good content you need.
