Top Ten of the Week: November 26, 2017
HERE BELOW is the top ten of this week, starting November 26, the year of our Lord 2017.
I must apologize about last week. The holidays remind me of family and all the wonderful times I’ve spent with mine. Thinking of them…brings me back to some hard times in my life. Unfortunately, I’ve had a very hard time coping with rediscovering my love for Gloria. I’ve taken to the drink again. My therapist, Cleo Tchaikovsky, has advised me to write out my emotions to clear my mind and to focus on happier things. I will try to right that ship today.
Children
I love my children, even though they were mothered by my ex wife. I have three little rugrats running around, aged 9, 14, and 27. If you don’t have children yourself, I have to tell you that you’re missing out. Kids are great to have around. You are literally molding a future adult human being and you can teach them so many life lessons. They can be there for you when times are tough and your home is empty of life. Children start out as babies, and babies are adorable. I can’t recommend enough convincing your partner to start a family and have a baby.
Crib
Okay, you’ve got this brand new baby, but what do you do with it now? Little buddy needs to eat and sleep just like you, you know. The best way to tackle one of these issues is with with a crib. A crib is basically a prison to keep your child at bay while they sleep at night. The large bars prevent them from falling onto the floor while still impressing on them the consequences of serving hard time. When I was growing up, my family didn’t have this piece of furniture, as I slept in between my parents every night until I was 3.
Whiskey
Now onto something that you probably should think twice about before offering to your children, and that’s alcohol. Last week I spoke of my newfound love of wine, and now I’ve discovered a new spirit to indulge in a bit. It’s called whiskey, and it will rock your socks. There are many different types of whiskey, those being rye, bourbon, scotch, and cough syrup. I must admit, I don’t know how whiskey is made or even what the differences between each are, but I’ll tell you this — they all taste different. You can drink it straight, “on the rocks” (I love that phrase), or mixed in with a non-alcoholic beverage for a zesty new twist on your favourite soda. As I write these words, I’ve been dabbling in a “corn mash rye” that warms the chest and helps my hair grow. I feel so invincible when I drink whiskey!
Towels
When I was growing up, we didn’t have towels. Not because we couldn’t afford them, but because my mother had a recurring phobia of certain textiles. Because of this, we learned to dry off by either running around the house very quickly or by using a system of large, powerful fans. I was so stuck in this habit that I didn’t even consider using a towel until I went to college. But now, I’m all about the feel of a warm cotton hug, wicking away the water from my skin. You can even use a towel for laying on the beach. You’d never guess the places hot sand can invade…
Firewood
I know I went down a dark rabbit hole last week when I brought up the Great Tea Water Incident of 2011, but Dr. Cleo has advised me to tackle my personal roadblocks head on. So this past weekend I drove up to the Budapest family cabin in the Appalachians to finally bury some of the skeletons in my closet. To keep warm in the sub freezing temperatures, I had no choice but to cut down a large conifer and split the wood for a warming flame. And I’ll be honest with you, I got quite a workout in! Chopping firewood really works out the entire body and melts the fat away. Why, I swung and swung and swung away, faster and faster each strike. Just remembering everything about our marriage falling apart pressed me into quite the dizzy! I don’t remember much about the weekend save for cutting all that firewood.
Indoor Trees
Anyhoo, speaking of firewood — how about trees that you cut down for decoration? Do you know what’s upon us? It’s the holiday season. And now more and more people are celebrating by putting Christmas trees in their own homes. I love walking down my block in December, staring with the awe of a child at how beautiful my neighbors’ decorations and trees are in their homes. They often tell me that they don’t appreciate it when I do this.
Redheads
By the advice of Dr. T, I’ve begun to mingle a bit more as a mechanism to break from the spell recently cast over me. I met a beautiful red-headed woman named Selma on the internet app Craigslist, and wow. Just wow! Redheads really know how to have fun. We shared a lovely evening of succulent planting followed by a romantic row down the river under moon light in my homemade canoe. Some people don’t appreciate red-headed people, and I have to tell them that they are wrong.
Gingerbread Houses
My gift from the Thanksgiving Turkey this year was a gingerbread house kit! Nothing says Christmas more than the iconic gingerbread house. Where Mr. and Mrs. Gingerbread retire with their children after a long day at the gingerbread office in Gingerbread City. Haha, I’m just kidding! They obviously work in Raleigh. Anyhoo, there’s nothing that really gets me in the holiday mood than gathering the kids and constructing our gingerbread mansion. The smell of the warm cookie fills our nostrils with holiday delight. My great-great grandfather, Herman, loved gingerbread houses so much he actually built a life-sized gingerbread house to live in over a hundred years ago. So many people were lost when it collapsed from wind gusts.
