Living or Leaving?
Have you ever thought that you are also in charge to decide whether you will continue to live or leave is the best option for you?
In a world where everyone struggles to survive whatever the cost, how could one judge those people who decide to die?
In my elementary days, I often asked myself whether or not I will taste adulting experience — of reaching 25, onwards and upwards. The year 25 seemed too far from the eyes of 10-year-old me. From what I observed, adulthood seemed fun — I will have bigger responsibilities rather than whether I should follow Ibu’s rule to take a shower or not. But I realize the fun will last until I have all the firsts. All the sweets and sours will be there between graduating, experiencing love and brokenhearted, continuing study, working, marriage life, building a family, and keep working. And then what? It repeats — sounds like a chore. Am I willing to do all these things until I reach 30s, or even 70s — then will I leave and become oblivious to others? How long will I last in this fight?
I am relieved that it’s not only me who ever thought the repetitiveness life has to offer. I met a friend — Veronika, who was created by Paulo Coelho in his ’90s work. She has everything she could wish for — from being physically privileged, loving family, and having educational background which allow her to have a respective job. Yet, she decided to end her life at the age of 24 by consuming highly dose of medication. After being found overdosed, she was hospitalized in an asylum — considering she has mental health issues due to the thought of leaving her life. Dr. Igor, who handled her case is what makes Veronica’s life in this place become more interesting.
Dr. Igor believes that apart from serious pathological cases, people try to escape their routines by escaping their life. They were poisoning themselves gradually through a medicine called Vitriol. Vitriol (also called Bitterness because of their taste) will be released by the human organism when the person becomes afraid of ‘reality’.
The symptoms are where a person eager to construct their own world without being impacted by the external threats — against new people, new places, new experiences. They construct a high-wall to limit their external growth. They continue their education, work, build a family and have children, and be critical about the government’s response towards COVID19 — yet they don’t allow their emotion in this process, because after all, they want to keep being under control.
Bitterness triggers us to clear all the bubbly enthusiasm, exploded hatred, love, doubt, disappointment, and deep curiosity within.
Then they start to lose their desire and feel empty. Living fully inside their box that they are afraid to leave it, or they want to leaving — staying forever in their ideal imagination.
So… How to being shunt from our own Vitriol?
I haven’t yet to find the answer.
My guess is to keep asking ‘why’ and find reasons behind everything I do every time — including when I feel like doing a repetitive chore. And no, it doesn’t have to be between studying, working, building a family, and working again — I can freely choose which one I want to do, and my ‘why’ based on myself — not based on how I learn it should be. I can choose what kind of chore I enjoy — what kind of chore I can tolerate for 70 years of living. My decision-making is bad, what if I fail in choosing? Then I can choose between dealing with it, or I can change my kind of chore. That’s why it’s called roller-coaster ride, right?
Another guess is to feel and embrace all the emotion that we need to feel, and not limiting ourselves based on the what looks frustrating to us. I thought I am only scared with the cockroach, but I found myself horrified in a dark place where the deepness and wideness is unknown — where I don’t know what kind of living (or unliving) object I might find (re: sea), right after I tried snorkeling alone. Yet, it’s one of the favorite places where I ever dream of living under when I was a kid. I also found my hand & feet sweating when looking down during my trip to a high place.
But… Both are fun.
Going adventure to have adrenaline rush brings excitement. Doing things that I am scared to do, and don’t know whether I am able to do it in the first place — making me ebullient. It makes my heart pounds faster – my eyes looks bigger. It’s also makes me quite proud of myself — brings satisfaction.
The last one, is to have the audacity to go and explore for adventures. I remember when I was a kid, traveling around the world — exploring new foods, new cultures, new people, through my work and contribution, seem dreamy. But from what I observe in society, everyone competes to settle. Settle in a steady job — no traveling since home is waiting for us and it’s ok as long as it’s high-paying. Settle to build a family. Settle seems more safe, rather than explore. I’m not saying that this is wrong — but it’s also not me. It’s a reminder for me to hold dearly to my childhood dream — not longing to settle, just because everyone around me choosing it.
To live and to leave mark.
To not leaving before the mark leaves.
It’s just my guess to being averted from this element called Vitriol.
How about you?
