Confused. <Why am I even here?>
The day I doubt my existence marks the day of my maturity, or in my parents’ opinion, maybe I need to visit the mental institution …
That day, I visited my grandma. I realized how successful her life is. Seven amazing kids. So many successful grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Most held well-respected professions — Teachers, Lawyer and Bankers. All of them are rich, filthy rich. Those who were studying studied in prestige school (AKA The Elites), except me.
I am not successful. Academically, I am no where if you compare me to my relatives.
I am just a useless being…
I won’t be able to study what I desire for my University because of my bad grades. I used to give an excuse and blame it on the subject combinations I took during my jc years but this can’t hide the fact that I will still study something I hate. I dislike Physics and now I will be taking something related to Physics during my 4 years of study, I rather die… Unless, my next year’s appeal work out the way I want it to but I highly doubt its success …
The number of close friends I have is probably less than 10. Worst case — I might have seen them as my closest buddy but in their eyes, I am probably just an ordinary friend.
I dream of going to U.S to study but I know it can only be a dream. Here we are fighting to fight for a living — Dad has a unstable job, and I want to study overseas… My dream is really big. .. There’s a saying that goes “ If you don’t have a big head, don’t wear a big hat. ”
Sometimes, we hardly have enough money to eat.. but then I still choose to be a wastrel. I know how irritating I can be. I annoy my parents to have lunch and dinner at restaurants because I want to? … but to be honest, I don’t know how much time they will have. They are almost halfway to a hundred… and will they be able to enjoy their lives and enjoy such food in the future? … Sometimes I pay for the meal but most of the time, they willingly fork out the money…I know it’s a huge hole in the wallet but sometimes, we really need to spend to enjoy life… or else what’s the point of having so much money? (or am I wrong in the sense that money shouldn’t be spend on food? …but food is what humans enjoy.. at least the sense of taste that makes life so much more fulfilling.)
I don’t bring much contribution to the world… more like, I am this annoying human that exists in earth… At times, I bring so much trouble to people and get under everyone’s nerves.. I apologise and I am sorry.
I am such a terrible useless, no-one-likes human being.. why do I even exist?
Life is a mess. I don’t know what I wanna do… but then life pushes on… I live not for myself…
but for my parents. I am gonna live each day because I want to repay everything back to my parents… then subsequently, my wife then my children, then my grandchildren…
While a model answer would be: You live for yourselves. As what Hailee Steinfeld sang “ Gonna love myself and I don’t need anybody else” , I kind of beg to differ because only the people who love you deserves to have you around…
