4 Important Tips to Remember if You Encounter a Police Officer in the Wild

Police Officer attacks are becoming increasingly common in America, and it is important to stay educated on the best ways to protect yourself should you encounter one of these aggressive creatures in your town. Follow these 4 simple Tips, and your chances of fatal attack will be significantly diminished.

1. Stay Perfectly Still

Police Officers are pack animals who are socialized to treat foreign creatures outside of their herd as an immediate, potentially-fatal threat. As such, it is your job to do everything you can to calm the Police Officer’s nerves and assure him that you are just going about your day. The best way to do this is to stay perfectly still. The Police Officer’s fear centers are based on movement. Any movement or vocalization at all can be interpreted as an attack, and will be met with deadly force.

Even when a Police Officer approaches you, do not move. Your survival instinct will be to match the Police Officer’s aggressive behavior, but this will likely lead to a deadly attack. Allow the officer to slam you to the ground, yell at you, dig his knee into your back, and physically restrain you. While these behaviors may lead to injury, the alternative is death.

2. Act Like a “Good Guy”

Police Officers see the world as separated into two categories: “Good Guys” and “Bad Guys.” Do not confuse their occasional politeness and cordiality for a nuanced worldview. The best way to avoid a fatal attack is to mold yourself into their vision of a “Good Guy.”

Here are some ways to do that:
• Avoid direct eye contact. Bad Guys assert their evil intentions through eye-contact dominance.
• Point out suspicious behavior in another person. Good guys aid the police. Even if no crime has been committed, acting like you are helping catch Bad Guys will automatically make you a good guy.
• Ask for directions. Good guys need help from the Police. But be careful, because sometimes asking for help too aggressively can be seen as “Bad Guy” behavior. When asking for directions, be sure to remain at least 10 yards away, and speak calmly and quietly. Urgency is a “Bad Guy” thing.
• Smile. But not too big. An exaggerated smile will be interpreted as “cloaking” (when a Bad Guy tries to trick a Police Officer into thinking he’s a Good Guy).
• Be white. Police Officers have very unsophisticated visual mechanisms that rely heavily on shade to feed their fear centers. While white people are occasionally Bad Guys, their skin pigment will not automatically be seen as threatening. Darker shades will be interpreted as a threat until proven otherwise, and because of the Police Officer’s quick fear-based reflexes, there will often not be enough time for this proof to be offered. For this reason, if you are going to engage in a police encounter, it is best to be white.
• Be shorter than them. Police Officers react strongly to visual stimuli, and much like their “shade-based vision,” larger objects can be seen as threatening. If you are tall or heavy, make yourself small by sitting down on the ground, slumping your shoulders, and crying in a high-pitched childlike voice. Also consider calling the officer “Dad” to appeal to their ability to empathize with those who they know personally.

3. Whatever You Do, Do Not Play Dead

While your instinct may be to pretend to be dead, this will not deter the Police Officer. Unlike some of nature’s other dangerous predators, the Police Officer will not stop his attack once his victim has died. Often he will continue to poke, prod, shoot, handcuff, humiliate, and dehumanize up to twenty-five minutes after death, or until Internal Affairs shows up.

4. Seriously, Be White

This point cannot be emphasized enough. While white people are occasionally victims of Police attacks, they are generally treated as human beings upon initial contact. In fact, even after exhibiting numerous “Bad Guy” behaviors, the Police Officer may still naturally connect with a white person, give him or her the benefit of the doubt at every turn, and treat him or her like a friend who made a mistake. If you are not White, it is advised you avoid settings where Police encounters may occur such as Outside; Lunch Restaurants; 24-Hour Diners; Your Friend’s House; Your Cousin’s House; Your Own House; Your Car; The Bus; The Airport; Stores; the Mall; and The Sidewalk.

If you keep these 4 simple tips in mind, you will most likely avoid serious injury or death from a Police Officer attack. Be safe.