Frozen Golden Beet Steam. Truant Nettle Canapés. Milk Hen. Crumbled Pudding. Former Boat Chef and current pioneer of the False Food Movement Aruba Mastodon, is serving up unpredictable dishes such as these every night at her brand new Tented Area in the Home Depot Heights neighborhood of Mt. Washington, the Moistened Plank ($$$$$).

The attentive “Foodngeleno” will remember Mastodon’s former dining concept, Sunken Boat, at the bottom of pre-renovation Echo Park Lake. Now, Mastodon is back to lead the West Coast dauntlessly into the second half of the second decade of the 21st century.

False Food, known for its inherently contradictory dishes that are decidedly impossible to make, offers diners a scintillating, if ultimately unfulfilling, dining experience. Diners are encouraged to order three or four sharable “meal-notions,” guiding them through an enchanted forest of dishes they’d like to eat, but physically can’t because of the annoying restraints of reality.

One such notion, Sprite Remix-Marinated Goat Egg, sounds like it could be good, if goats laid eggs and if Sprite Remix weren’t discontinued in 2005.

With an ever-changing menu of impossible items that can’t actually be made or eaten, Mastodon achieves a lively, playful concept that pairs effortlessly with the décor. Sleek and modern, with no tables or chairs or anything, The Moistened Plank invites diners to stand in a dry field, under a tent, where an inexplicably wet plank has been left.

The charming way in which Mastodon uses found space serves to illuminate her dedication to revolutionizing the field she somehow considers herself to be a part of — chiefly, the Culinary one.

The Moistened Plank may not be around long, because of wind and city ordinances and stuff, so snag a reservation while you can! The food promises will not disappoint, unless you’re speaking literally in which case they will definitely disappoint because there’s no food. Be sure to try the Heirloom LA River Salmon over Dry-Boiled Grape Hash. It’s impossible.

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