Losing a life partner. (December, 2015)

Happy is the man who find a true friend, and far happier is he who finds that true friend in his wife. — Franz Franz Schubert.

Being brought up in the heart of Colombo was a gentlemen into his late 20s. Born and raised in Colombo and educated at one of top 5 boys schools the country he was always known for his playfulness, reserved in nature, willingness to help people and more importantly curious of how the world works. When it was time to marry his parents were very selective choosing the right partner. As before him, Ahameds’ father too was proposed to his mother in the 70s, known close in the family circle (customary traditions in the Colombo Muslim circle) and was recommended by the elderly uncles and aunties.

As tradition was applied, the first 2 visits will be done by the boys parents visiting the girls party at home or a convenient location agreed early hand. Pleasantries will be exchanged, current occupation, education and family inheritance will be discussed and if both parties are happy a ‘meet-cute’ will be fixed for the boy and the girl to meet. If a connection takes place the couples parents will take it forward over the phone and an engagement date will be fixed in a month and maybe 6–9 months later a Nikkah (wedding) and Waleema (homecoming) date will be confirmed announcing a celebra-tourius occasion.

If unsuccessful the parents would seek other parties and the process will be repeat again.

By Gods grace Ahamed was determined to find a life partner in Fathima and the two took their wows in January 2015. He will live together with his wifes family for the foreseeable future and visit Fathimas inlaws over the weekends, or when time permits. As most marriages go the adjustment period took some getting used to. Different meal times were practiced by both parties, he would usually have lunch and dinner at 12.30 and 8 pm and wind down by 10. As expected she wasn’t a morning person, lunch was met close to 3 pm, dinner was well passed 9.30 and sleep was much later into the night. Fathimas mother had lived overseas while growing up and didn’t conform to many Sri Lankan ways as expected. Often Ahameds in-laws will be seen having a cigarette before and after meals, all the while talking about their business ventures in Colombo and discussed about their lands down south and upcountry.

As fate would have it, closing upon 4 months of marriage Ahameds family was accused of witchcraft and bad mouthing the Fathimas family and business in the Muslim circle and this had put a strain on the newlywed couple. As facts go this was untrue, but more importantly Fathima who dearly loved Ahamed was slowly conditioned by her parents which made things very difficult for Ahamed to manage and fix things between the 2 sides of parents. Ahamed was asked to leave the residence and a case was filed in the Quasi court where a Fasas (divorce request from the brides side) was requested from Ahamed by Fathima on the grounds that Ahamed was a drunkard, verbally abuses the family on occation and has mental disorder. After many months of marriage She was a completely different person in front of the Quasi court. Ahameds life goals with his new partner was fading away.

Unfortunately the couple would sign papers and part ways in November of 2016.

The following months to come saddened by his predicament Ahamed has mild depression periods. Talk goes around what has happened among friends and family but they know that Fathima is not the victim here and support and help Ahamed recover from this mishap. His family too finds it hard to comprehend and looks for condolence with one another.

This is common story among failed marriages in Sri Lanka as in-laws interfere with newlyweds, imposing their traditions and aged practices aggravating a situation which could have been avoided.

Ahamed would go onto change jobs thinking change of environment and challenges will focus his thoughts elsewhere. He takes up a tertiary education but that too has little effect on his thoughts and subconsciously would think of his happy moments with Fathima.

Going out with friends, starting a new business, taking up an online course, all of these would seek temporary side interests but in reality was hurt by social effects families were responsible for his unhappiness.

In Ahameds case, he saw comfort and belonging with Fathima, he didn’t enforce her to stay at home and take care of the kids, he was able to take care and provide for her, assist her in her life goals. All their hopes and dreams meant nothing to Fathima in the end.

***Depression is a result of unfavorable life altering events in one’s life. And with correct help and support can be addressed responsibly with kindness and dialog. If you and someone you know of are going through any difficulties call the following contacts.

• CCC (Courage Compassion Commitment) Foundation — 1333 (counselling)
• Sumithrayo — 0112–692–909
• National institute of mental health 0117–490–000

December 9, 2016.