Humiliation — It’s a real thing

Daughters — they mean the world to me. And forever my first daughter is Aradhana & second is Haasini — Nieces, I can’t find any adjectives that would do justice to them. Both of them are so impeccable in their own ways. I’m not sure if my own kid would get the best of anything from me other than them. And I’m writing this at 4:30 a.m. on a Sunday morning disturbed by a bad dream — Aradhana.

The Dream

I’m walking on a dark street towards my home and I see Haasu running towards me. I bounce her up in air and take her home and after some illogical coherence of a dream, I’m with Aradhana. When she was around 2 or 3, she loved wrapping her head with a shawl and flaunt it as Rapunzel. And honestly I envy her hair. She has got a gorgeous mane. I enjoy doing her hair — French braid, waterfall hair do, those simple ponies. And as I’m doing a pony on one side of the hair and move on to next, to my dismay I see that it’s erratically cut — with few places showing her scalp. She’s the Rapunzel angel of the home and I’m distressed. She’s telling me it’s the barber. And the next thing I remember is asking my sister and bro-in-law who the hell is the hair stylist and what has he done. And Aradhana is resisting, pleading in front of her parents to not tell them, she’s hurting, she feels humiliated. It dawns on all of us that some brat kid did this to her. The next moment, it all boils down to my reaction to the incident. I’m sharing her agony — I’m trying to hug her when she’s pushing all of us away. I feel terrible for not taking cues when she was telling me it’s the barber, I feel terrible for exposing her. I should have persuaded her to let elders handle this and it’s not okay to be pushed around. I’m so angry that my mind started to spin up scenes with the parent of the brat kid, the brat kid, the school management.

How am I reeling here?

I’m taking Aradhana to meet the brat kid along with its parents. I’m confronting them of everything that my girl had to endure. I’m not ready to listen. All I had to tell them is that — if you feel anything is wrong with my child, all that I have to say is that she chose to endure the humiliation. She’s strong. She doesn’t deserve any of this.

And to the brat kid, if I were your mom, I wouldn’t want to see your face for the rest of my life. I totally understand that this is not what any matured adult will do to a kid. But in the dream, all I wanted is that every possible subject who is in any slightest way responsible for this incident to feel the pain, make the intense remark so that they understand the depth of the emotion.

And mainly to the school, I’m fuming here. My hands are shaking and I’m making total sense in every word. This incident is only a reflection of what this school is teaching kids. If you cannot handle what a student is doing to another, take responsibility of it, first off fend off such hostility with moral education or social activity what good are you of a school? For all that this school is I don’t think my kid is in the right place and I have to pull her off. This is so insane, I’ll get you sued for whatever it takes. I’m questioning the teachers, and anyone who could have prevented this. And at the school, I’m not being that social person with all the best elements of eloquence.

Behind all these things, I just had these things for Aradhana.

Aradhana, look, you need to understand what an amazing person you are. Totally impeccable. You don’t deserve this and you needn’t put up with it. Things do happen but stand up for yourself. Not always we can save ourselves but you have us to help you out. Your grades, sports competence, art inclination none of them are a grading element to scale your respect. We love you and I soooo want you to know that.

I want to take her to a holiday. Unfold a new perspective and let her realize that nothing shall ever define her. She will. I want her to be confident of herself and make the right notes at the right time.

This dream only made me realize harder that this is the time. This is the exact time I should tell her all this. Not after she goes through anything. Before the world pours in harshness, I want her to know there’s a safe haven for her and she means the world to all of us. I want her to grow resilient.

And when I roll back and visualize what her parents would have done to protect their kid, I could only see better things. And her grandparents, her other aunt, and anyone who knows her — Each one would do it different but all making Aradhana grow stronger and resilient, more than ever. It’s more about the emotion behind this, her feelings, how difficult life can be even at a young age.

Oh It’s Me!!!

Honestly, I’m so disturbed. I’m realizing too late that it’s something I should have heard. I’ve gone through intense humiliation in my childhood, longed for some bonding, been a brat trying to get all the attention, tried hard and failed many a times. I endured. Endurance is a wonderful thing. I did it Aradhana’s way too. Most of us do. It teaches a lesson. And the take away is for life.

All the humiliation, it carried on to my next few years of life. I’ve been a yes-man — not disapproving anyone of anything. When people talk their mind in a discussion, I used to get surprised. Well, that’s a perspective and I share it too but why didn’t I speak up. I’ve let myself to be used — too many time(s) by too many people. I’ve confided in people on sensitive issues who turned me in, utterly insensitive. All friendships looked so eternal to me that I trusted them blindly. Just to realize that I’ve been used up like the last squeeze of a toothpaste and thrown off. It’s hurting to realize them late. It’s hurting to be innocent when people are inconsiderate. Or should I term it ignorance. No matter how many times I try to retrospect, I hardly have a dime on me to be treated this way. Probably a dime or two but nothing that justifies the inhumanness.

And Now,

I’m happy. Happy right now — at least now that I’ve realized what’s okay and what’s not. I’m more confident than ever in my virtues. Should I thank these incidents that molded me? Or should I cringe that I didn’t have those words Aradhana had. Actually I did have them. I remember incidents of my parents backing me up, so strongly. But guess I’ve been too naive to understand it. And now, I’m certain of the fact that I know when to endure, when to push back, more certainly ascertain any mistakes on me and eventually be resilient. I’m a more confident version of myself and I’ve learned the hard way that compromising virtues isn’t a thing, standing up for it is.

I hope that’s each of us. Any of you reading this right now could be anywhere in this curve. The Brat kid, Aradhana, being a victim seeking approval, behaving hard for what’s happening to you, a confident individual, anything. It’s hard. If there’s something that I need to tell a person in any stage of this curve,

Confidence is a real thing — It isn’t defined by anything — anything except you. And no one else shall ever define it for you. Respect yourself and stand up for YOU. You deserve to be treated right and make it a demand in any relationship. And let’s be real — To err is human, and when you do one, ascertaining that is as well a significant side of growing up. And trust me you have a world who celebrate you for who you are — may be not in the way you expect but definitely yes.