AN END OF THE YEAR RANT
The Best Stories You Definitely Did Not Read in 2024
Based on indisputable evidence
I don’t know how you missed these little gifts, but you did.
Actually, I know why you missed them. This wonderful online writing site buried them beneath an avalanche of stuff that screamed for your attention, then under-delivered.
It’s so funny how this place claims to support quality writing, but never defines what kind of quality.
Is it Pulitzer-Prize level writing?
Obviously not. Readers ignore Pulitzer-Prize winning authors in favor of the latest goop du jour.
Is it at least high quality writing? Or does it follow George Carlin’s classic line, “Have you noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?”
Based on the search results for “high-quality writing,” even the algorithm has a sense of irony.
Is it low-quality, clickbait? Don’t answer, we all complain about it.
The only quality that counts is social media popularity, and it’s driving people crazy.
Given the thought process of the 76 million people who voted for a convicted felon and pathological liar, serious writers are doomed.
Anyway, if we use popularity as our guide, here are stories read by thousands of people, but not you, dear reader.*
That’s because subscribers determine our stats, not the people come to the site to find our stories.
Here are nine stories with over 104,000 views and over 25,000 reads.
How do I know you didn’t read them?
Because they earned a whopping $114.97.
And that’s only because two of the them earned over $30.
Here’s one I wrote in August that involved some detective work to sort through Trump’s actual net worth. It earned 30¢.
This one featured satire so dry I wondered if anyone even got the joke. Well, the joke was on me, because it has earned $1.04 in seven years.
Not into politics? How about music?
Here are three popular articles that use advanced sports analytics to rank the greatest songs of their genre.
First, we have the musicians who have given us the best hand jobs (musically speaking, of course) in the history of rock ’n’ roll.
And when someone asks for more cowbell, these are the songs that went the extra mile.
Next, I settled the question nobody was dumb enough to try to answer. 25,000 people wanted to peak at the answer, even if they didn’t want to spend 19 minutes going through my research.
Here’s what I wrote at the time.
I have to admit I didn’t comprehend the depth of the SNL rabbit hole going in, so it took forever to finish this article. The good news is, by the time you finish reading it, we may be out of quarantine.
Next, I got a little philosophical about writing and standup comedy.
If a joke falls in the forest and none of the trees laugh at it, was it funny?
I love sports and did a deep dive into basketball that must have attracted the attention of the entire city of Denver, given its popularity.
When I predicted the end of their dynasty two months later, all I got was crickets.
Finally, I wrote an article about tennis that had fans telling me I should be the one who writes for ESPN. It might be the best thing I’ve ever written.
One final question. What is the deal with all the people who subscribe to get my stories via email?
Do you receive email notification when I write something? Please let me know in the comments. (My best joke today — nobody is going to respond.)
Or is this some sick passive aggressive game, where you sign up to raise my hopes?
There must be a whole lot more Grinches out there in the Christmas season than we want to believe.
I once wrote that indentured servitude pays better than writing here.
The way this month has gone, I’d be better off being an unpaid intern.
At least they provide snacks.
Happy Holidays!
Here’s my last little holiday gift if you reached the end of this article. My celebration of the greatest stories ever posted here that I did not write.
FOOTNOTES
*Roz, this article was not written about you.
