The Real Housewives Of The White House

Cast: Melania Trump, Ivanka Trump, Candy Carson (Ben), Hope Hicks (Corey Lewandowski and Rob Porter), Louise Linton (Steve Mnuchen), Sarah Huckabee Sanders (Bryan Sanders), Renda St. Clair (Rex Tillerson)

Setting: The Prince of Wales Roon (Residence dining room in White House)

Date: March 13, 2018

Occasion: Lunch

Ivanka said, “Sorry I’m late, I was rushing with the kids this morning and couldn’t get out of the house.”

Louise said, “Cut the crap Ivanka, you know your nanny handles the kids and you only show up for the photo-ops.”

Candy said, “Can’t we all just get along? It’s so nice of Melania to host us every week isn’t it?”

Melania said, “Pleasure is mine Candy, is important we stay together in these times. By way, Renda called and can’t make it, says Rex was fired this morning while in Africa.”

Sarah said, “Damn, they’re going to give me hell at the briefing this afternoon, I may have to leave early and come up with a story.”

Louise said, “You’ll be fine Sarah, you’re the best. Nobody lies like you do.”

Melania said, “If we could please handle important business. What can I do about all these news stories about Stormy Daniels? Is ruining Donald’s reputation.”

Candy said, “Hmmph, not doing much for yours either.”

Ivanka said, “Why are you such a bitch Candy? I don’t see why you come anyway, your husband is barely part of the White House anyway.”

Candy said, “Honestly, I love the furniture in this place. I’m always getting redecorating ideas for our office.”

Louise said, “You mean Ben’s office, don’t you? You don’t actually work there.”

Candy said, “Can’t prove that by me.”

Hope Hicks said, “Let’s get back to Stormy Daniels, her lawyer is all over TV demanding the right to ‘tell her story.’ How can we get her off the news?”

Louise said, “Why don’t you write a glowing statement about Donald who would never do anything Stormy’s implying. Your letter supporting Rob Porter worked so well.”


Melania said, “I don’t know what to do, that bastard never stops humiliating me. Porn stars, that damn Access Hollywood video. We sleep in separate bedrooms, I take trips alone, every time he reaches for my hand in public I slap his hand away. How do I get out of this mess?”

Louise said, “There’s always divorce, how bad is your pre-nup?”

Melania simply hung her head in shame.

Sarah said, “Why did you come here anyway, weren’t you better off in New York?”

Candy said, “She heard the rumors about Donald and Hope.”

Hope said, “That was never true, I only slept with Corey and Rob.”

Louise said, “Melania, you could go into acting or do modeling again, that could make you some money?”

Melania said, “All the offers I get want to see me nude, I don’t do that anymore.”

Louise said, “I did a nude scene in a movie not long ago and it didn’t hurt me at all.”

Sarah said, “How many of us here saw, ‘Intruder’?”

Nobody raised their hand

Sarah said, “If you appear nude in a movie and nobody saw it, did you really appear nude? Don’t worry, The President had the film screened last night in the Theatre, be looking for his move on you soon.”

Louise said, “You are so holier than thou Sarah, you hooked up with a man you hired for your father’s campaign. You just married him that’s all.

Ivanka said, “I’m sorry Melania, I wish I could help you, Jared’s having a hard time in the media too so I understand.”

Candy said, “What are you going to do if Jared goes to jail?”

Ivanka stared at Candy, “We’re supposed to be a support group. How does it feel to know your husband’s boss once said he had the ‘psychology of a child molester’?”

Candy said, “How does it feel to know your father would have dated you and is always feeling you up?”

Sarah said, I have to go get ready for my briefing, I hate my job.”

Melania said, “Try having mine!”

Candy said, “I have to leave as well. That’s a beautiful lamp by the way, how much was it?

Louise said, “I better run too, Steve and I are taking a private plane somewhere, he’s always surprising me!’

Melania said, “You’re newlywed, surprises never stop, they just stop involving you.”

Sarah said, “Melania, has Donald ever asked you to give him a golden shower? Never mind, I need deniability if someone asks. Good luck with that Stormy Daniels thing. I’ll do my best to change the subject.”

Ivanka said, “I never should have left New York.”

Melania said, “Same time next week girls?”

In unison, “Wouldn’t miss it!”