My Haters Told Me to Go Touch Grass, and I Took It to the Extreme

Oh, you didn’t mean I should banish myself to the woods?

Jillian Spiridon
The Absurdist


Image Credit: Depositphotos

My haters on the internet took things a step too far last week.

We got into an argument about our favorite pop stars thanks to the latest buzz from Pop Crave online. I said it was obvious the stars in question were in love — and you know what those haters said to me?

They told me I should go outside and touch grass because I was too parasocial or some such nonsense.

I mean, really? Is parasocial even a word? It sounds like something that got added to Webster’s Dictionary just last year.

But that’s beside the point. I couldn’t take it as I watched comments stream in from all corners from the internet. Some girl from Tasmania even called me a twat! I couldn’t believe my eyes. And then someone retweeted the picture I posted of my Corgi Jack Sparrow with a mean caption saying he looked like a pit bull! The nerve!

What did I do? I shut my laptop and cried into my hands before packing up a suitcase and Jack Sparrow’s carrier. I wouldn’t be talked to like that in the privacy of my own home!

Go touch grass? Hell, I’d do more than that!