An Open Letter to Straight Women Seeking Demisexual Men
We aren’t unicorns or romance objects
“Wow. Is that what demisexuality means? Maybe I should get myself a demi man!”
I’ve already seen a few comments like this.
I get it. You’re frustrated with straight men. You’re fed up with them getting too sexually explicit too early. You’re fed up with him trying to be exclusive too soon while other straight men ghost you after what seemed to be a great date. Your last date was married and wanted you as a side chick.
From the outside, I understand why there is a certain appeal of heterodemisexual men for straight women. After all, we:
- Take a while to develop sexual attraction, so it’s unlikely we’ll even think about trying to kiss you on a first date, let alone try to have sex with you
- We’re unlikely to ever think about wanting to sleep with one of your friends or your sister(s), let alone actually try to bed them
- We place a primary importance on emotional connection and deep bonds for our sexual and emotional needs
- Unless we’re aromantic, we’ll pursue you romantically with no pressure to hop into bed
- Also unless we are aromantic, we exemplify the slow burn portrayed in romantic fiction
- When he does reach that emotional bond, he will be utterly feral for you… but not until then
I’m sure you see some benefits here- who wouldn’t?
But this list creates a very real danger of straight women fetishising demisexual men as romance objects (for want of a better term).
According to Wikipedia objectification is defined as:
…treating a person as a commodity or an object without regard to their personality or dignity. (link to article on sexual objectification)
A man who is a romance object, then, is one treated like a source of romantic satisfaction for the person doing the objectifying. He has no thoughts, feelings, or needs of his own… just like he walked straight out of a Mills & Boon book (or Harlequin for USians).
This perhaps happens to demisexual men because we require a strong emotional bond like friendship or romantic attachment for sexual attraction to form. There is a danger that a straight woman in a relationship with a heterodemisexual man may be so focused on the appeal of his romantic attachment that she will forget he has his own emotional needs and desires.
And his needs and desires may mean indifference to (or absence of) sexual intercourse, or it could exclude any sexual activity whatsoever.
That’s right.
While he may still feel sexual attraction towards you, he is still on the asexual spectrum and may never want to do the deed with you… ever. He may prefer solo masturbation, or he may prefer to relieve his libido with occasional porn. His boundary may be sexting or exchanging sexy selfies with you.
If he is interested in sex (and around one-third of all asexuals are not sex repulsed) he will need a lot of emotional investment from you- not just in the beginning, but always, because emotional intimacy is vital. A lot of foreplay may be required for sex to happen and there’s no guarantee he will be able to perform. There will be times when he loses interest during foreplay… and that will frustrate you, so get used to self-service.
Ask yourself these questions
Are you prepared for the rejections, all the “sorry I’m not feeling it” and even “oh no, please don’t touch me!”?
Are you prepared for his indifference towards you, sexually speaking?
Are you prepared to be the primary initiator?
Are you prepared for a relationship that is either permanently sexless, or one that goes many months or years without?
Because all this is part of the package of being with a demisexual man.
I understand the appeal, but hetero attracted demisexual men are neither romance objects nor magical unicorns fulfilling the role of The Perfect Man to fetishise. Just like you, we have complex emotional needs.
I’m not a Medium member, so all my stuff here is free to read. If you enjoy reading about my demisexual journey, please consider tipping me on my my Buy Me A Coffee page.
More articles on relationships:
