Being Demisexual: Yes, I Would Rather Have Cake Than Casual Sex
You haven’t tried sticky toffee pudding, have you?
Many people continue to fail to understand that demisexuality is about what we feel, not what we do. For allosexuals, sexual attraction can happen at any time, and it usually happens early — an indefinable chemistry, the first time your date smiles at you, the first time they make you laugh, within the first couple of dates/meetings.
Asexuals by definition don’t get that sexual attraction at all. Demisexuals don’t get that until there is strong emotional bond. That can be friendship (the most common) or it can be something else — for example, developing attraction to a kindly and supportive boss. Allosexuals get this too, but for demisexuals, a strong emotional bond is the only way by which sexual attraction might develop.
This attraction can take months or years to develop in demis.
Don’t all aces hate sex?
No.
Not all aces are sex repulsed (though according to a poll from last year, around 40% are repulsed). I saw another poll recently that said around one third of all aces are indifferent. Put these together, that means around two thirds to three quarters are repulsed or indifferent, so we can assume that the rest are sex favourable.
I go through periods of sex repulsion and favourability (yes, I get horny), though I spend most of my time indifferent. In my life, I’ve gone years without sex and not felt that I’m missing out on anything. Therefore, I tend to classify myself as sex indifferent even though I’m not indifferent 100% of the time.
That said, some asexuals and demisexuals can and do have casual sex.
The perception differences between allosexuals and aces/demis
I’m not a spokesperson for all asexuals, or for demisexuals for that matter. I’m speaking in general terms from what we understand about asexuality and demisexuality while including my personal point of view.
I don’t have casual sex. I have never had casual sex. Moreover, I’ve never wanted to have casual sex. I don’t hate the idea. I’m not prudish, it’s just that the idea fills me with complete and utter indifference.
I’d rather be doing literally anything else including eating a nice slab of cake. There is a famous test to determine whether you are asexual or not. It’s a simple question:
“Would you rather have sex or a slice of cake?”
Don’t think about it, don’t go over all the permutations. There is no “that depends” in this case though that may be your answer. It’s a simple yes or no answer.
Asexuals prefer the cake most of the time, even those who are sex favourable or with a high libido will typically prefer cake over a sexual encounter with just anyone.
In my case as a demisexual, my answer hinges on whether I have a strong emotional bond with the person, so the cake is my gut reaction when required to give a simple yes or no binary answer.
Demisexuals are often seen as half-arsed allosexuals (or in my case as a hetero-attracted demi, as straight in all but name). But this test demonstrates once again how much more demisexuals have in common with other asexuals than we will ever have with allosexuals.
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More musing about the complexities of attraction:
