Realising I’m on the Asexual Spectrum, aged 47
Specifically, I’m demisexual
I first heard the term “demisexual” about ten years ago. Having only previously heard about the L, the G, the B, and the T, I was curious about this new term along with the others that were new to me: asexual, and pansexual.
I read through the admittedly very brief description and thought some of it sounded familiar but didn’t immediately identify with it — I realised I just had a few things in common with “demisexuals.”
Connecting with a lot of LGBT+ friends through the Twitter writing community helped me come to understand their sexualities and gender identities more. For the first time, I had regular conversations with people from across the spectrum including those who fall under the asexual umbrella.
About two years ago, I had a conversation with one asexual friend about the separation between romantic and sexual attraction. One penny dropped. I specifically said at the time that my “romantic attachment is far stronger than my sexual attraction” and how I experience them as separate entities, though I said I had experienced both.
But the more I thought about it I came to realise that sexual attraction is inextricably linked to romantic attachment and emotional connection for me — lust unconnected to romantic or emotional attachment is extremely rare. All my crushes and infatuations have been romantic in nature.
As for pure lust?
I could probably count the number of those on one hand. 99% of the time, either romantic or emotional connection simply must come for sexual attraction to develop.
Even then it is not a given.
Enter the “Split Attraction Model”
Cue another conversation recently with another (grey) asexual friend who sent me an article on the range of asexual identities. In that piece, something called the Split Attraction Model caught my eye.
A view of attraction that splits a person’s romantic attraction from their sexual attraction. Source
I mentioned this to my friend, saying I got what it meant because this is how I experienced attraction.
This time, the friend explained it was a concept originated by and for the asexual community where it most applies to explain how they experience attraction as separate and distinct experiences.
I was shocked. Am I asexual? No, I definitely experience sexual attraction (see above). So I read the whole piece. And that’s when I saw it.
Demisexual — someone who only feels sexual attraction under the select circumstance of a close bond forming with another individual. The bond can be platonic or romantic.
Suddenly, I had an explanation for why all my crushes in adulthood have been with people I know on some level — friends and acquaintances.
Suddenly, I had an explanation for why I find beautiful women that I don’t know aesthetically pleasing, but have never had “dirty thoughts” about them, even when I was a hormonal teenager. In fact, I’m no more sexually attracted to random people than I am to paintings, landscapes, or buildings.
Further, I’ve never had casual sex with a random stranger and don’t think I could or ever get any fulfilment from doing so. I couldn’t sleep with a woman I knew had a crush on me if I couldn’t give her more. I also couldn’t sleep with a woman that I had a crush on knowing there’d never be more.
But I still have doubts whether I fully fit the demisexual label
Attractive women do draw my eye. I am, even though I feel I lean towards demisexual, still a straight male with everything that implies, including the appreciation of physically appealing women.
I just don’t have fantasies about sleeping with them. Ever.
Some types of women draw my eye more than others. I have several distinct types, distinct enough that my other half knows exactly what they are (I would hope so — she is one them!) and so I still struggle with the demi label with this in mind and probably will do for some time.
For every piece of “evidence” that supports Matt is a Demisexual, I can come up with a “but what about…” counterpoint and those doubts come back. They usually come back right up until the point I’m able to point to something else and say, “this thing also suggests I’m demisexual.”
But I think the biggest piece of evidence to support my demisexuality is how I perceived a woman’s physical attraction based on her character. I have had funny looks when I say that a woman can become prettier to me because she’s intelligent, funny, curious, or exudes warmth and kindness.
The opposite is also true — no matter how beautiful someone is, if I find them a horrible person, they are physically unattractive — almost sometimes to the point of being repulsive.
In fact, I have been repulsed when women I find unpleasant touch me — regardless of their physical appearance, some genuine “ew, get away from me” moments when they have touched my arm lightly.
In the past I have put this down to trust issues and introversion. This still might be the case, but they are also further indicators of demisexuality.
I have a lot more thoughts. I am feeling quite confused and suspect this is going to occupy my thoughts and my Medium articles for a long time to come.
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More articles on my personal demisexuality discovery journey:
