Top 10 Signs I Knew I’m Asexual: Episode 1
My Ten Episode Series Detailing the Top 10 Signs that helped me discover I’m Asexual.
A few years ago, I did an AMA on Reddit, answering any and all questions about asexuality from an audience that hadn’t been familiar to asexuality.
I had were quite a bit of new people who were truly interested in knowing about asexuality, because they inquired whether they or someone they knew might be asexual.
One of the most common questions I got was:
“How do you know if you are asexual?”
That question came up at least four times during the AMA.
The fact is there isn’t really a clear cut answer for that question. Asexuality is multivarious in experience. No asexual will have a perfectly identical experience to another ace. That just isn’t the case.
However, as I’ve spoken with other aces the past few years, I’ve discovered there are commonalities in their stories and mine.
That led me to begin reflecting on my own past, from school to when I discovered I am asexual at age 26.
Off that, I started to list off moments and signs that told me I am asexual.
I came up with 10 signs about me personally that let me know I’m asexual, and thus this series was born.
I have decided to come up with my own Top 10 Asexual Signs list, detailing the signs that told me that I might be asexual.
I am going to make posts going from 1–10. On each post, I will list a sign that may indicate you are asexual, as well as explain it with personal anecdotes from my own life that I should have seen as me being asexual. If you are questioning whether you or someone you may know is asexual, this series is for you. If you are looking to discover more about asexuality as an orientation, this series is for you .If you just want to read funny anecdotes and learn more about my life being asexual, this series is for you.
Now, you might identify with all of my top ten list. You might resonate with some of my top 10 list. You might not resonate with any of my top 10 list. You might find a cordiality with my reasons; you might not. Asexuality is so varied in our experiences that it’s s that’s going to have a universally agreed-upon top 10. I’m only listing my top 10 is all.
That being said, without further ado, let’s begin my series!
Here begins My Top Ten Signs I Knew I’m Asexual.
Top Ten Signs I knew I’m Asexual
Episode 1. You’ve never felt as interested in sex as others seem to be. You feel out of place in society.
Does anybody remember the string of cases involving teachers having sex with their students? There was a huge string of them that became sensationalized headlines in the 2000s. It involved teachers getting caught with students in what should have been called out as rape being normalized as cool by the mainstream culture as “every man’s fantasy”.
I remember three cases involving three different teachers that became headline stories when I was growing up: Debra Lafave, Mary Kay Latourneau, and Sara Jones.
While the boy was being raped by his teacher, everyone seemed to play it off, stating the boy“was not really a victim” because “all men want is to get laid” and “hot for teacher”.
There have been many cases involving a female teacher being caught having sex with a male student, and the main outcry from many people (particularly men) is that it didn’t happen to them.
“I wish she would have abused me! She could have “raped” me anytime!”
“How come I didn’t get to have sex with any of my teachers? Lucky!”
“Come on, how could a woman rape a man? Men can’t be raped! No real man would turn down free sex! He’s no victim! He’s lucky, that’s what he is! He’s a player!”
You may think that is a bit over the top, but when you look at commentary from mainstream media, it’s really isn’t.
Comedian Bill Maher stated this in relation to the Debra Lafave case in full quote:
“I think it’s a little offbeat, but you know, I believe in the double standard,” Maher told Playboy. “If a 28-year-old male teacher is screwing a 13-year-old girl, that’s a crime. But with Debra Lafave [another teacher who had sex with a student] screwing her 14-year-old boy student, the crime is that we didn’t get it on videotape. Was he being taken advantage of? I wish I had been taken advantage of like that. What a memory she gave him! I would think he’s a champion among his friends. (HollywoodReporter.com)
I can’t speak for other nations, but it is technically not a crime of rape if a male is forced to have sex by a woman. It can be a crime in other areas, such as lewd and lascivious behavior, which could technically be counted as a misdemeanor (such as in the case of Debra Lafave). It can be counted as endangering the welfare of a minor if it’s a boy. However, the crime of rape technically is not on the books for female forcible rape on a male. Convictions will still land you on the sex-offender registry, but there isn’t a guarantee one will serve time in prison for such an act.
There is activism for laws to get changed by statutes. However, I know that in many states in the U.S., it is still permissible to technically rape a man without facing charges of rape.
Double standards still exist, everyone.
Cases like Mary Kay Letourneau and Debra Lafave rely primarily on one trope and stereotype of men: the idea that all men want is sex.
I heard so many times growing up statements such as:
“Men will do anything for sex!”
“Men are horndogs!”
“All men ever think about is sex!”
“Men think about sex every 6 seconds!”
“No man would ever turn down sex!”
Porn is one of the biggest culprits when it comes to perpetuating these stereotype. Porn, like society at large, really loves to push the idea of compulsory sexuality, the idea that everyone is expected to be sexual and that anyone who isn’t interested in sex is somehow defective.
Porn loves using the trope of a teacher having sex with student, playing it off as the experienced, older woman teaching sex to the young boy. The teacher-student stereotype caters to the palate of common male fantasies, just like naughty librarians and sultry cheerleaders . It’s all for the male fantasy, stating that this is what men love and better yet are supposed to want.
This has been displayed in many commercials as well.
For instance, take a look at this Tag Body Spray commercial that aired in 2005.
The sales pitch behind this commercial was that if one buys this tag body spray, a horny mom will start hitting on you irresistibly, I think.
Looking at this commercial only leaves me with one question:
How do buttons just fly off of a shirt like boomerangs?!
Speaking of the naughty librarian trope, another commercial that relates to the whole “male fantasy” trope is this 2012 commercial from Pearle Vision, trying to use the naughty librarian trope as a means to entice potential buyers into buying their glasses.
If what happened in the Tag Body Spray or Pearle Vision commercials happened to the guys I knew growing up, they would have been champing at the bit and would have probably have seized the opportunity for copulation. They would have been like a kid in the candy store, acting as if they had hit the jackpot or won the lottery.
If you put me in that situation, I would be shaking in terror and then faint out of fear. If that were me in that scene, I would have been petrified, begging for someone to rescue me.
I’ll talk more in detail about my sex-repulsion in a later post.
I’ll just say this for now: you can be sex-repulsed and asexual. You can be sex-repulsed and allosexual (not asexual). You can be asexual and not sex-repulsed. Being sex-repulsed is not a requirement to be asexual. In my case, I happen to be both.
Sexual situations are my worst nightmare. People can do whatever they want in private. I’m all good. I support you having the sex life you desire. However, I do not want to be involved in any way, shape, or form. Sex is my worst nightmare personally. It’s a no-go on my end.
Growing up, I never understood why everyone else craved sex so much when I could care less. Seeing everyone be so interested in sex was an enigma to me.
This really led me to feeling out of place in society.
According to society, I was not supposed to say no to sex. I was only supposed to crave sex, because society said that’s what all men are programmed to want.
I can’t really speak for girls, as I am not a girl. I can only speak as a guy who experienced difficulty expressing his true self, due to the immense peer pressure to be sexual like everyone else. The whole culture around men is fixated and geared towards sex. I had a hard time fitting in.
That last statement is an understatement on my end.
I recall one conversation in high school where some classmates were stating they “loved steak”. This conversation was not about the merits of choosing a porterhouse over a sirloin. This conversation wasn’t about why Brahman steak is better than Angus beef. It wasn’t a conversation wasn’t about the different cuts of a cow. They were talking about “the deed”, i.e. sex. Steak was their euphemism for sex.
Hearing my classmates talk about how they liked “steak” was something so foreign from me, and the conversation they were having was even more foreign. I remember all I did during that conversation was nod my head and just say nothing.
That was me in high school trying to get pass social interactions. There was a reason I loved the library and computer labs more than lunch. It wasn’t just the food!
There were many a times where I felt I had to force myself to try to be sexual, so that I could fit in with the rest of the crowd. Back in my high school days, there was no mentioning of asexuality. I didn’t know any asexual people, and asexuality was nonexistent in all media. There wasn’t an asexual community in my hometown. There were no LGBTQIA+ groups in my area. There were no GSA at my school, either.
My school in the Bible Belt had no sex education whatsoever. My school was dictated by purity culture. All they taught was abstinence, which led to a host of issues with regards to elevated teenage pregnancy, I’m sure.
Purity culture taught that to be anything but straight is an abomination, and they kicked my friends out from church for being “impure”.
I was being called a prude by secular world for not having sex, and I was being called a sinner by the church because I didn’t have attraction and didn’t want to ever have sex. I was being hit with a double whammy.
So, I tried to force myself into sexuality. I couldn’t ever do it, no matter how much I tried.
I tried manufacturing crushes on people, I tried faking relationships so I wouldn’t be seen as weird for not being in a relationship.
Truth be told, the only “relationship” I had was by force of hand.
During my junior year, a choir classmate I was friends with asked me if I wanted to go out with her right before concert. Even though I didn’t want to date, I said yes because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings and because everyone else was dating and I didn’t want to be seen as odd. I had a “girlfriend”, but not by standard convention.
I liked her, but I only liked her as a friend. I bought her a pair of earrings on her birthday because social convention. That being said, nothing changed about me wanting to be with her. I was still in high school. I had more priorities. I was more into getting straight As, singing, music, leadership teams, and academic bowl. I just had more in mind than to be with her.
We broke off our relationship after less than a month together. My only “relationship” was shorter than a Kardashian wedding! We didn’t even go on a date. I was actually happier that the relationship was over, so I wouldn’t have to pretend anymore. I was glad to be free from the pressure to date.
I didn’t dislike the person. I just wasn’t into having any relationships. I figured maybe later I would change my mind and fall in love with someone.
Who would have known that years later would never come?
That 3 weeks worth of time was the last time I had ever come close to a relationship. That was 16 years ago.
I remember the day I told my friends in high school that I didn’t want to have kids. It was around graduation, and everyone was talking about how they wanted to have kids and get married whatnot. People were talking about how they wanted to have a child and everything. I personally was not into that — -I’m not about that life. I told my friends and schoolmates what I truly felt inside: I didn’t want to have kids, and if I were to have sex, I’d get a vasectomy. My friends all looked at me and stated “What is wrong with you?” Everyone was basically stating the same thing. “How could I not want kids?” My friends all thought I was weird.
My family thought likewise. When I told my parents I wasn’t going to prom, my family thought something was up. My parents originally thought I might have been gay, because I had never truly gone out with anyone, including the girl that asked me out. I told them I wasn’t. I was more into gaining a career, having fun with my hobbies, and I liked being single. They still view that as weird to this day.
Truth be told, I thought they were weird. My mind was like why do you all want to have kids over going to college and enjoying your favorite hobbies? I never could get that, and I still don’t, to be technically honest. To each their own, I guess.
Anyway, I thought most other people were off, and that I was in the right. I thought the world has gone mad, only to find out that I was the minority. I am still glad to be part of that minority, though.
I enjoy being single. I love the freedom and independence being single gives me. My life is really joyful as is; I am in a state of contentedness. I don’t want a partner. I’m good flying solo.
Now, I am good with having friends and everything. I love my friends. They are significant to me.
What I loathe is society’s notion that everyone has to be in a relationship in order to be normal, shaming single people as pathetic for remaining single.
I am so glad that years of high school and college are over. I’m glad I don’t have to deal with all that constant pressure at a volume. My mind was a Boyle’s Law, ready to crack from the pressure people were putting on me about getting sex.
I am happy I don’t have to endeavor those days anymore. Things do get better after high school. I can attest to that.
Now, if people would stop asking me if I am going to get married or have any kids, I would appreciate it.
It’s never going to happen, busybodies!
Stay tuned for Episode 2!
—Songbird 🂡🏹💜♠️
