Weaponised Homophobia: How Society Polices Male Sexuality
It actively harms asexual men
As I’ve stated in many articles already, I spent most of my life feeling broken. My unrealised demisexuality as a microlabel of asexuality led to a lot of confusion about how I experienced attraction in the years I should have been permanently horny for girls/women, but wasn’t.
Looking back now makes me realise just how much society polices male sexuality and the narrow ways in which we are allowed to express it.
What is weaponised homophobia?
Anything that deviates from the expectations of male expressions of sexuality as it develops from puberty onwards is often viewed with the suspicion that we must not be into women at all.
Men who are sensitive are viewed with suspicion to the extent that our sexuality is questioned. Ditto men who keep quiet about their sexual prowess, how many women they’ve kissed or slept with (regardless of their numbers), and those who do not openly brag about their virility.
I guess it can be considered part of heteronormativity that pushes a limited expression of sexuality and sexual expression. In this case, anything that deviates must mean the man in question is gay.
You’re not into girls/women? Then you must be gay.
You’re not into the prettiest girl in the school? Gay.
Why don’t you like her? Everyone likes her. You must be gay.
Why haven’t you had a girlfriend yet? Are you gay?
Ask her out! Why not? Are you gay?
In my teens, I had all these questions and variations on them, and they came from both male and female classmates.
This doesn’t end as we become adults; it changes.
Those of us who don’t sleep around are often presumed gay. Those of us who remained virgins into our twenties, and who express very little romantic or sexual interest are seen as signs of being an in the closet gay man, even if you do express an interest in the opposite sex.
Sometimes a romantic / sexual partner will use a homophobic slur when we reject her for sex (note: this has thankfully never happened to me).
Other toxic attitudes
Weaponised homophobia is just one tool by which men and expressions of male sexuality are kept in line, leading to a lot of broken-feeling asexual men.
The sexual assault of men by women is not seen as anything outwardly harmful. The video is several years old but it recently made another round on social media. Even when the man asks her to leave, she takes it as a joke and tries to touch him again. She eventually walks away laughing.
The message is clear — men will never say no, and can never say no to a woman, and actually mean it.
The video had thousands of replies, some of which questioned his sexuality because “who wouldn’t want to be touched by a woman that hot?” Some insisted he must have been “one of those asexuals.”
Side note: men who do not consent to women touching them don’t need to be gay or asexual. We are allowed boundaries just like anyone else.
I’ve been sexually assaulted twice by women. I guarantee I didn’t want either incident. I was twelve the first time it happened. The second time the woman in question was a prostitute and either drunk or high. She screamed in my face “are you one of those gays?” because I refused her.
Those of us who are choosy about our partners and seek genuine connection as adults (as demisexuals do) are criticised for pickiness/shallowness as though we don’t have a right to qualifiers and disqualifiers.
This isn’t limited to random women either. The belief that men always want sex and must always be ready for it enters our bedrooms. It leads to high numbers of men reporting sexual coercion by their intimate partners.
Inevitably, this means we police ourselves. Men feel an obligation to our partners to have sex even when we don’t want it. I know I’ve done this myself, pushed myself into doing something I didn’t really want to do to avoid upsetting my partner and sometimes in the belief if I just try hard enough, I’ll want it too.
While things are changing, many still seem to believe that the male desire for sex is so strong, that any man who rejects his own partner must be getting it somewhere else.
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More articles on aphobia and prejudice against our community:
And on society and social attitudes:
