The Bachelor: Episode 11 — An Authentic Richie Moment
It’s a vast improvement this week as Nikki falls head over heels and Richie feels something
Previously, on The Bachelor, one of the worst episodes of all time in television history. I hope you read my review because it was full of pictures. This, however, won’t be.
WOW HAMISH BLAKE ISN’T ON THIS EPISODE, OH FUCK OFF WHAT A WASTE OF MY GODDAMN TIME.
We open on the girls having a cuppa in the garden. Australian Idol’s Andrew G rocks up and talks about how the number seven is a lucky number and, omg, Steph says that it’s her lucky number. Australian Idol’s Andrew G leaves a single envelope and I don’t care.
NIKKI GETS SELECTED AWWW she’s great, isn’t she. After last week and getting fucking shafted and super sad about Richie going ham with Alex in a bowl of shit. Everyone is super jealous but who gives a shit Nikki is a cool girl.
Nikki says she can see a future with Richie and hopes that he can be part of her life OMG SHE IS…
FALLING
IN
LOVE
Richie shows up in some bomb fucking car with an annoying as fuck horn. The pair are going for a cheeky fucking drive around the country or something. Richie — sorry, the producers — has organised a country date because Nikki is a country girl OH OK. They scull a fuckin’ brew and Nikkie fucks with Richie’s hair. He’s awkward about it ha…ha… THAT FUCKING LAUGH JESUS CHRIST I’M SICK OF IT.
Nikki goes fucking 110% in on Richie and just opens up to him WOW. It’s a super honest info dump from her.
Back at the mansion all the girls get a group date. Rachael exclaims that she’s gonna murder all the contestants just to get more time with Richie and I just CALLED THE FUCKING COPS HAVE FUN IN PRISON.
Back on the date with Nikki they sit on some fucking hay and have a wine. Richie says he has another surprise for Nikki and it’s some hillbilly fucking Backstreet Boys who swings in a quick ad about weddings. Richie and Nikki hoedown for too long and I’m bored AS FUCK.
Later on, Nikki opens up even more and, man, this is a really nice fucking moment. Richie looks into her eyes AND HOLY FUCK IS OUR MALE ROBOT HAVING FEELINGS? WE HAVE AN AUTHENTIC RICHIE MOMENT.
ALERT ALERT WE HAVE AN AUTHENTIC RICHIE MOMENT
Nikki says she hasn’t felt like this with anyone before and MY GOD SHE FUCKIN’ LOVES THIS ROBOT MAN. RICHIE IS BEING LEGIT HOLY FUCK AFTER 10 MOTHERFUCKING DRAGON BREATHING FUCKING EPISODES.
Anyway, Nikki says SHE HAS FALLEN IN LOVEEEEE AWWWWWW IF SHE DOESN’T FUCKING WIN THEN FUCK THIS UNIVERSE.
The group date begins and I’m just hype about Nikki and Richie so I couldn’t a fucking rats ass about this shit, but we’ll soldier on. It’s a Tough Mudder challenge which I promised myself I’d do every year but instead decided to sit at home and watch Captain America and challenge myself to bags of Doritos.
The course starts and there’s too many physical challenges and things going on, so I tune out and start looking at Twitter. The girls climb up a wall and then go through some mud under barbed wires. Olena is shitting herself because of leeches or something. Olena gets Richie’s attention by asking him to race in the mud and shit.
STOP DOING PHYSICAL ACTIVITIES.
Alex tries to vie for Richie’s attention and it’s becoming more obvious that she’s not winning this fucking show and her heart is going to go off like a fucking nuke.
They move onto an ice bath thing and Alex’s reaction is FUCKING HILARIOUS because her face is just like :O :O :O :O as she screams through the obstacle.
I stopped watching the physical activities and tuned in once Olena got selected. Her and Richie move off to have some quality time together. Richie says he’s dead pleased that she challenged him at Tough Mudder, and Olena says that she really wants to open up more to Richie and, to her credit, she does. The moment is another nice one as she receives a rose too.
At the cocktail party, things are nice and quiet because there’s hardly any girls left so thank fuck this show is finishing soon. Richie shows up and takes Rachael away for some solo time.
Steph is freaking out a little bit because of her lack of time with Richie, but her fears are washed away when he comes over and asks her for solo time. We don’t really see her time with him, but Kiki guesses right that it’s probably her going home tonight — “her” being Kiki.
Faith is also freaking out about her time coming to an end, but I think she’s fine.
At Rose Tribal Council, there are two safe girls and five who could be getting eliminated by ejection seat. Australian Idol’s Andrew G walks in and dabs as he sports a killer looking outfit. Only one girl is going tonight.
Rachael is safe. Steph gets the rose and the girls all start melting down and [screaming internally] until we reach the final two: Faith and Kiki. The pair are bawling their eyes out and… Kiki misses out on that final rose. She takes it like a fucking champ and off into the night she goes…
Now, it’s really fucking hard to pick who’s going next. BUT HAMISH BLAKE IS HERE TO SAVE THE SEASON TOMORROW SO THANK JESUS.
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