The Bachelor: Episode 13 — Ye of Little Faith
Hometown visits are a day away, but it doesn’t stop Richie making a dumb decision
Previously, on The Bachelor, Channel Ten got desperate and threw poor Hamish Blake into the mix to try and give things a boost, but it failed. Just like this entire season.
We open on Richie doing a fucking workout which has been notoriously absent all season what the fuck where’s my six packs, motherfucker. He doesn’t break a sweat for the four shots that production requires SO HE’S NOT FUCKING WORKING OUT AT ALL.
At the mansion, the girls start trying to guess what the fuck is happening. Faith is freaking the geek out because she’s worried he knows nothing about her.
Australian Idol’s Andrew G shows up and reveals that HOMETOWN VISITS ARE BACKKKKK (if you can remember my review last year, the hometown episode made my list of top episodes of TV and you can read the review below)
Australian Idol’s Andrew G says he hasn’t got an envelope and everyone dies BUT he says Richie has a camping surprise around the corner and everyone shits themselves with excitement. I’m not I fucking hate camping so I’m right in Olena’s camp. Rachel puts her hand up to ride shotgun and Alex scoffs because ALEX HASN’T HAD ENOUGH GODDAMN FUCKING TIME WITH RICHIE.
This is also a clear indication that Channel Ten has no more fucking money for this show after burning it all on the most ridiculous fucking dates in the history of mankind.
They arrive at the camp site and Richie says they’re camping for a few days, Olena becomes an arsonist and starts torching the forest. The rest of the girls start dealing out camping shit slower than I am after a five minute run.
Rachael and Richie have some alone time and Richie asks about her family which makes it look like she’s gonna get the rose and the first hometown visit. It’s a nice moment, overall. Richie fake laughs.
Later that night, Richie starts a fire with the help of Arsonist Olena, and everyone freaks out about how MANLY HE IS WOW MUCH MAN MANY LY, fuck off with this garbage.
Richie takes Alex away and they talk about families and shit and Richie just talks about how many chairs Alex could carry because, apparently, that’s fucking important.
Richie recalls the fact that Alex dropped the child bomb and he’s wrestling with that shit, so she’s not getting the fucking win. WHOA, he’s honest AGAIN when he says he’s just not sure whether that commitment is for him. WEOW.
Around the campfire, the group play the game Never Have I Ever and Nikki fucking DEMOLISHES everyone and steals Richie away. They go to this perfectly lit fucking bush area and Nikki says she’s excited for Richie to meet her family. YOU BETTER FUCKING CHOOSE HER, MOTHERFUCKER.
The next morning, everyone wakes up looking fucking terrific. When I wake up from camping / wake up in general, I just look like I shat myself. Everyone goes full Masterchef and makes a continental breakfast. Olena does nothing, so Richie takes her away and the show craftily sets up who the final four will be going into hometown visits by having them sit around the fire.
The conversation between Olena and Richie makes it pretty clear cut that she’s getting the flick. Olena says she’s not going to open up to Richie more until he meets her family… but THAT’S NOT HAPPENINGGGGG. Richie is confused and says it’s a challenge trying to get to know her. I mean, I don’t think anyone knows anything about her, at this point.
Richie says the pressure is getting to him so he has devised some naval combat activities in the local billabong. Faith, Rachael and Nikki are the first three getting into the activities. They play some kayak water polo handball shit.
Faith goes fucking ham and starts ramming and destroying everyone in sight as she gets the points to win. She also gets selected by him to have a chat about families and shit. They go to a “random” carriage in the forest and have a cheeky fucking red. Richie says he’s struggling to try and get serious with Faith but she likes to laugh AND WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THAT?
Alex and Olena are the last two for Richie’s activities. It’s a billy cart race because HOLY FUCK they are out of money now. Richie wins the race but no one cares. Alex fake laughs.
After all that shit, Rose Tribal Council starts with a speech about the importances of hometown visits. Everyone takes it very seriously, and I do as well, especially with those sultry vocal tones. There’s four roses left.
Rachael is selected first. Nikki is selected second BOOOOOM. Alex is selected third… and our fourth and FINAL contestant for hometown visits is OLENAAAA.
WHOA that is a fucking BLINDSIDE WHOA. Faith is shocked. We’re all fucking shocked.
The two walk outside to say their goodbyes. It’s very heartfelt. I feel for Faith, man. She was so much fun! UGH, RICHIE MAKING THE DUMBEST MOVES.
Hometown visits will be interesting, though. Hopefully, it’s a good as last years or I’m fucking out.
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