The Bachelor: Episode 14 — The Great Richie Interrogation
Tensions rise as Richie does the hometown visits, but is it as unpredictable as last year?
Settle in, my darlings, it’s a long episode again, BUT I AM WELCOMING THIS ONE WITH OPEN ARMS IN THE HOPE THAT IT’S JUST AS GOOD AS LAST YEAR.
We open on Richie SCULPTING HIS FUCKING FACE WITH NO FACIAL HAIR ON IT WHAT THE FUCK. HE BAKES A SMOOTHIE OR SOMETHING JESUS CHRIST.
Fuck this, let’s just get to it.
Alex
Alex watches some horses run around in a really green field. She waits outside a fucking barn or something and I’m asking myself WHY. Richie shows up from BEHIND THE FUCKING BARN. We’re reminded that she’s a mum and Richie still doesn’t like that.
She brags about living near a barn and a field and shit. WHOA, Alex has denied the child meeting with Richie and sent him to child school or some shit. I dunno whether this is smart or not, but it’s actually sort of surprising. Alex warns us about how fucking psycho her brother, Adam, apparently is.
They all sit down at the dinner table for a cheeky fucking dinner. Alex’s brother doesn’t fuck about and asks straight up whether Richie has dated a mum before… YEAH OKAY.
And then the WHOLE FUCKING FAMILY GOES FULL CIA AND ASKS HIM QUESTIONS LEFT AND RIGHT. ALEX’S BROTHER JUST STARES AT RICHIE AND ASKS FUCK ALL, MY LORD.
He drops the bomb question and asks Richie whether he has cheated on a woman and we get a fucking ad break so Richie can dry his fucking pits. Richie calmly defuses the situation but Adam just keeps shotgunning these fucking questions.
The two blokes fuckin’ step outside, lad, with a few beers. Adam doesn’t trust Richie at all. Holy fuck, Adam is a straight up fucking murderer. He has gotta be. #MakingaMurdererseason2 Oh man, I fucking love this guy. He’s buying none of Richie’s shit. I’ve noticed Richie’s voice has gotten deeper and he’s gone more occa too. This is a fucking TITANIC battle right now.
Inside, Alex and her sisters and mum talk about how much Alex loves her. Alex’s mum trusts Richie and asks Alex if she loves him but she dodges it initially and then admits that SHE MIGHT LOVE HIM. MIGHT.
They all go out and have some more fuckin’ brews out the back but, whoa, this is over quickly as Richie is escorted out by Alex. HMMMM. Interesting. Alex… ADMITS THAT SHE LOVES HIM. Well, she doesn’t say the words, “I love you,” but she says she’s falling for him so that’s enough for me.
Olena
We see Olena play tennis on a court hired out by Channel Ten. She’s fucking beast at it. Richie HAPPENS to run over the hill with his training shit on. He jumps the fence WOW REPORTED TO SECURITY, YOU REBEL.
Olena looks legitimately pleased to be on the court, though, so that’s nice. This is the most comfortable I’ve ever seen her. They slug it out for like five minutes. After that, they go and have a picnic to debrief before Richie meets the gang.
Olena’s sister doesn’t make eye contact with Richie at all. Andre, Olena’s dad looks like he will fuck you up. I love it. They’ve organised a fucking shot of Ukranian vodka to, you know, calm the fuck down. Richie talks about how he very cooly picked Olena up on a motorcycle; Andre responds to it saying that he fucking hates motorbikes and Richie’s face turns pale. He’s dead inside.
HE KEEPS DIGGING THIS HOLE TALKING ABOUT THE DANGER OF BIKES. SHUT THE FUCK UP, MAN.
Richie tries to break the ice by askign Olena’s dad about how many fights he had been in. The answer: 500+ holy fuck.
Richie and Andre GET INTO A FUCKING FIST FIGHT HOLY SHIT. OH FUCK OLENA’S DAD JUST MESSES HIM UP, HOW DID TEN HIDE THIS IN THE PROMOS. I’m fucking kidding, it’s just Olena’s dad show Richie how to fight people. It’s pretty cool that this old guy could fuck everyone up. The guy laughs when Richie puts his boxing gloves on. HE CARES NOT FOR THE BLONDE MAN THAT FAKE LAUGHS.
At dinner, Olena’s mum asks if he has made a decision about choosing Olena. He says no. Olena’s sister asks if he’s going to settle down with Olena. He says he wants to SETTLE DOWN but not with Olena. Weowwww.
Olena and her dad walk outside for a one on one. It’s interesting. Olena asks her dad if he thinks Richie likes her. Olena wrestles with the idea of whether she likes Richie. Olena’s dad says that Richie won’t move to Sydney if he chooses Olena. It’s far more tense and alarm bell-y. I LIKE IT. I don’t think Olena is getting that rose.
Rachael
Rachael sits on some rocks in Perth and I’m slowly starting to think that Richie is just a lazy fuck and will choose her so he doesn’t have to move.
The two start the day by beach fishing which Richie is dead fucking pleased about. Rachael says her dad fucking loves fishing too, so pack it up, fam, Rachael is #1 in the Richie sweepstakes. Rachael gives Richie the lowdown about her family and there’s like 14 people showing up.
Rachael says her dad has a spot on intutition with spotting the wrong guys, so I feel like we’re gonna get his approval tonight. Rachael says her sister will probably fuck him up too.
Richie meets fucking everyone. There’s about 40 people there. Rachael’s sister drops some questions about how Richie feels about her. None of these are particularly hard-hitting, but Rachael’s dad sits back and warden’s the fuck out of the conversation. He says fucking ZIP.
Rachael’s sister takes Richie aside and tries to get him to admit that he loves Rachael, but he doesn’t and that shits her off. We get the follow up on Rachael’s earlier thing about her dad’s intuition and DING FUCKING DING DING DING, I was right. He says he thinks Richie is sincere. BINGOOO. Fuck this is too predictable. Great set up.
BUT, Rachael’s talking head after Richie leaves is pretty genuine though. She’s in tears about how much she digs the bloke and how much she wants a rose.
Nikki
On the final home visit, Nikki sits atop some cliff overlooking a place called Northam. They hold hands. Nikki looks like if she lets go of Richie’s hand she’s gonna die.
The pair go off to the races and sit in some special booth because Nikki is a hometown fucking celebrity. Richie gets the lowdown about which member of Richie’s family will fuck him up.
They go to dinner at Nikki’s place with her family. Richie and Nikki’s mum fucking have a hand argument over the roses he has brought because everyone is crying that Nikki has returned from her pilgrimage.
Snowy, whoever this guy is, just fucking takes Richie away immediately to have a fuckin’ brew and turn some meat on a BBQ. Snowy gives Richie some fuckin’ advice with a beer in hand. Richie blokingly agrees with him about this advice about ignoring all the glamour and shit.
At the dinner table, Nikki’s mum asks what Richie’s intentions are OOOOOOOO. He drops the politician’s response which is well rehearsed, but Nikki’s mum is more concerned about Nikki not getting that rose. AWWWW. Nikki and her sister(?) go outside and talk about stuff and Nikki actually says “I LOVE HIM” and she thinks he’s the one.
AWWW, Nikki is so fucking hype that Richie met her family. She’s over the goddamn moon. Oh man, she fucking loves this dude… if she doesn’t get a fucking rose I swear to christ I’ll FUCKING LOSE IT. OH SHIT SHE TELLS RICHIE SHE LOVES HIM WHOAOAAAAAAA. What a great moment.
The cocktail party isn’t even a fucking cocktail party, it’s just a few cuts of the girls having wines alone in various places in the mansion. Kind of like me at home, except I don’t live in a mansion, BUT I LIVE ONE MINUTE AWAY FROM THE TRAIN STATION HAHAHA.
Rose Tribal Council starts and Australian Idol’s Andrew G — who was sadly absent for the whole episode — drops some wisdom before introducing Richie.
The first rose goes to… NIKKI YESSSSSSSSS. Rachael shoots a semi-disgusted look towards her as she receives the rose.
The second rose goes to… OLENA. RICHIE JUST WANTS FREE BOXING LESSONS FROM A BOXING LEGEND.
And the final rose goes to… ALEX. No surprises there at all.
Rachael is shattered. Her dads instincts were wrong this time around. Mainly because he didn’t know Richie likes blondes only, apparently.
The two walk outside and share a moment. It’s not that emotionally heavy, because we got that earlier when he left her house, but Rachael takes the whole thing well because she’s got no time for this weenie anymore, anyway.
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