The Bachelor: Episode 15 – Olena Don’t Want None
We’ve only got two episodes to go until I’m free from purgatory and I’m so, so pleased.
Previously, on The Bachelor, Richie got “grilled” but, really, that’s a load of shit because there was no drama whatsoever because this is the most predictable season of The Bachelor ever. Sorry, not predictable, but not drama-filled at all.
We open on Richie pumping weights for fucking three minutes so he’s not working at all AGAIN. C’MON, MAN, JUST FUCKING WORK OUT. Richie gives us an update about the final three girls, but I don’t care because these reviews probably do a better job of explaining it than Richie does.
Anyway, we find out that Channel Ten put the entire budget for this show into this fucking trip to Bali. We get a montage of Richie alone in an airport and on an empty fucking flight. ANOTHER GODDAMN LIE.
Our first date is on Alex who fake laughs when she sees Richie show up in an army jeep thing. Alex is SOOOOOOO FUCKING EXCITED to go for a drive weow.
The pair go for a bike ride into some swamp thing and start wrestling in a green field before sitting down and talking about the family visits last week. (I just got back from a hard game of netball and I don’t give a fuck at all about this.) Richie tells Alex that he is open to moving places because Alex doesn’t wanna move her kid around and shit. They make out in the middle of the field and some uplifting music plays in the background.
They move to a bungalow to talk about family and shit. Alex asks Richie whether his family would be okay dating a girl with a kid and why didn’t she fucking ask this earlier? HMMMMMM I DUNNO. Alex is concerned because Richie has no fucking idea.
Nikki is up next. Richie sits there looking like a cooooooool guyyyyy as she approaches him on the beach. Nikki recalls the fact that she said SHE LOVED HIM last week. AWW she’s so nervous and happy to see him how nice is that.
Richie has prepared adventurous shit because he hasn’t seen that side of Nikki, apparently. The actual activity the producers planned is actually fucking LEGIT, they’re the back of this massive blow up mattress that flies in the air off the back of the boat (Look, I don’t fucking do watercrafts often…)
Later on, they share a cheeky wine out the back. Richie tells us that he can see a future with Nikki and HOLY FUCK JUST GIVE HER THE GODDAMN FINAL ROSE SHE’S LOCKED THIS MOTHERFUCKER UP. UGH. These two are fucking in love just… please end my suffering. They agree with their feelings and make out like normal human beings. It’s not really a face/off session, but it’s sloppy.
The next day, Olena is chilling under a building and Richie (MUST TO THE BEHEST OF HER FATHER) shows up with a tiny scooter or something. My roommate exclaims that they’re in “BALI, NOT INDONESIA” because she went over there recently and is apparently now a fucking local. Michelle, you’re not.
The pair go for a fucking surf. Richie asks Olena how her family felt about him and she just um’s and ah’s around it and it’s awkward. She says there’s some concerns from her family but then says fuck all. WHOA THIS SHIT IS AS ROCKY AS DWAYNE JOHNSON.
Richie says he hates this date so far because his mind is just thinking about what Olena’s family thinks about him. A valid concern, to be honest. I’d probably the same – wow, Richie, so relatable. They have a quick surf and then Richie asks what the concerns were and Olena says it’s her parents thinking he’s not going to move. And he probably won’t because he’s lazy.
Anyway, this date is off the fucking rails because it’s super awkward and obvious that Olena is going home and Richie has completely wasted her goddamn time.
They talk into the night over some wine and cheese (everyone on this show is an alco now, it seems) and Richie is starting to look fucking pissed off after realising that this has ALL BEEN A WASTE OF OUR FUCKING FUCK FUCK TIME FUCK.
Richie is frustrated as Olena starts challenging him on his feelings and her feelings. Fucking BOOM. Richie starts being serious for the first time ever on the show — well, first time in a while — and Olena is really fucking with him as she makes him question everything he’s NOT doing and it’s sort of… entertaining. Richie doesn’t undertatand why Olena is being so cagey and closed off and I think I know why – SHE DOESN’T FUCKING LIKE YOU, SHITCHIE. HOLY CHRIST. Especially, if you’re not willing to move places and realise that it’s “the real shit.” YO, Olena is spitting straight fire as she goes supernova.
The look she finally settles on is one of “I’m fucking done here, mate. Take a hike, bozo.” She follows this up by shooting the same look to the production and I’m just raising my hands into the sky. P-P-P-P-PREACHH.
Rose Tribal Council begins with the final three standing near a mote. Australian Idol’s Andrew G shows up looking mighty fucking fine, as usual. The war drums build in the background with a depressing piano stabbing over the top of it.
Richie contemplates — WHOA, just joking he says he knows exactly who is getting eliminated and her name is Olena, THE QUEENNNNN. Richie doesn’t even blink when giving Alex and Nikki the final roses.
Olena doesn’t bat a fucking eyelid either. Man, these two are fucking donezo.
Olena breathes a sigh of relief that she doesn’t have to put up with this shit anymore. Props to you, Olena. Go out and fucking get some smokin’ lad or lass and find love.
TOMORROW I AM FREE.
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