The Bachelor: Episode 9— The Richie Compatibility Test
The show doesn’t do much this week as Alex cries some more and Faith kicks her game up a notch
Previously, on The Bachelor, my interest is waning watching Richie, holy fuck.
Everyone is super happy that Keira is gone and the show literally has no reason to be watched because no drama and shit. Ugh.
Australian Idol’s Andrew G appears in the night and softly whispers that he’s droppin’ a sweet, sweet envelope. Apparently, because it’s night and noise complaints have been received everyone is hushed in their response.
The first intruder gets selected and it’s STEPH, you know, the one that will probably win because she fucking loves quad bikes. Alex just doesn’t see it though because she literally only sees herself with Richie. Jesus christ.
The next day, Steph waits on a fucking SWEET looking boat and tells us Ballarat or something is shit for dating and we all make mental notes for when we visit that place (HAHAHA no one will.) Richie rocks up on a jet ski and Steph is so excited by it THAT SHE JUMPS IN FRONT OF IT AND IT EXPLODES HOLY FUCK — I’m fucking with you, I’m just looking for something more interesting.
Anyway, the two chill on the boat and talk about what they look for in relationships. Richie asks what Steph’s “dealbreaker” is and it’s trust. So pretty much every response the girls and Richie have dropped so far this shit season. After all that garbage, they hit the jet-ski and start illegally turning around and being menaces on the water.
That night, they sit down and have an even deeper conversation than the one earlier in the day. Steph is a tad guarded this round and she says she’s nervous around Richie but Richie thinks she’s havin’ a fuckin’ laugh, lad. The conversation is nice and Steph is basically a certified final three contestant as far as I’m concerned.
SHE GETS A ROSE OMGGG. Richie says he wants to learn more about Steph and that’s, you know, fucking obvious.
The next day, the group date begins and Australian Idol’s Andrew G tells us it’s a Bachelor Compatibility Test and explains why Richie IS ON THE FUCKING SHOW I KNOW WHAT THE FUCK HE’S DOING HERE HE’S NOT HERE FOR A COUPLE OF BEERS AND FREE SHIT.
The girls are a bit confused about the date, but I don’t care. The first part of the date plays out like a Survivor challenge (which you can read our BRAND NEW AMAZING recaps of the show below this paragraph) with the girls having to answer multiple choice questions about what Richie likes.
Surprisingly, Nikki is last in the questionnaire, but I literally think there’s no need to worry about her position on the show because it’s bleedingly obvious that Richie only likes blonde girls from Perth. I should start placing bets on this shit.
The next challenge with the top five girls involves them touching Richie all over so he can guess who it is, so this will be some sick fun because we get to watch along with the contestants who sucked at answering questions.
Faith is first up and throws Richie into a waltz and it’s awkward but actually really funny. Faith is great. She fucking WAVES AT HIM WHILE HE IS BLINDFOLDED, GOD LOVE IT.
We get a montage of the girls who aren’t getting selected with Steph diving in for a hug, Kiki massages his back and arms. BUT Alex gets her own bit where she just sort of, I dunno, harasses his body for two minutes. It’s excruciating, but, hey, she fucking likes the guy.
Nikki is fuckin furious after that. Her face is incredible, like, it’s one that would topple a fucking building.
The last two standing are Faith and Alex; one of which is obvious and the other is a really pleasant surprise.
The final challenge involves Richie being blindfolded again because he can’t bear to watch this fucking show — anyway, he has to drive around in a golf cart with an elaborate course of cones and beers and shit. Alex is first up and does a rather shite job at directing and controlling Richie. Everyone psychoanalyses what’s going on and enjoys a mini-roast while the two fuck about in the golf cart.
Faith is up next and totally fucking DOMINATES her directions by joking about drinking later on with Richie (which was fucking smart on her part, so 10 points to Gryffindor.) It pays off as she gets selected by the relationship lady to get the solo time omg (oh, yeah, there’s a relationship lady, but I’m too lazy to say anything.)
Faith and Richie’s solo time involves them making gelato and now I’m really fucking jealous about this shit. I want ice cream so badly now. Hang on, I’m gonna go check in the freezer…
… NO FUCKING ICE CREAM AT HOME JUST TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS MORTAL PLANE.
They share a few nice moments and joke about their future together because of the challenge which throws Richie a little bit, but, despite all of that, their chemistry is undeniable. Faith is super hype to get that time with Richie, though and she gets a rose OMGOMG.
AWWW ISN’T FAITH THE SWEETEST.
Back at the mansion, the girls start having their cheeky drinks. Richie rocks up in an all black suit and I find myself agreeing with the girls; he looks fucking MINT.
Richie returns to Alex and asks where her white rose is and slyly reveals it from his suit which is a badass moment. They go up to the sniper’s nest where Richie asks about Alex’s kid and blah blah, I’m over this.
Later on, Rachael and Richie take a cheeky walk into his secret pad in the mansion. Alex starts freaking the fuck out of it about it because her jealous rage has risen like the Hulk did in The Avengers.
She starts crying and opening up to Nikki about how Rachael said that Nikki was the winner or something, and Nikki opens her badass belt and does a sweet handshake to reassure her. She plays the smart card by being a bit quiet and does the Coach Carter thing and talks Alex down from the ledge. Yo, she has this shit in the bag.
At Date Tribal Council (HOLY SHIT THIS IS EARLY AND THE REVIEW WILL BE SHORT) we get the thoughts of Alex and Rachael spitting fire at one another. Rachael brings up an interesting point that Alex lives in a Richie and Alex bubble — and she’s not wrong.
Australian Idol’s Andrew G walks in looking like a G in his navy suit, DAMN. The roses are dealt out and we get some random thoughts from Khalia (horse riding girl) which means she’s going because she literally did nothing this episode… WHAT THE FUCK HOW OBVIOUS IS IT.
And the two girls going areeeee: KHALIA and NONI. Holy christ, what a boring episode. Noni is shattered though which is pretty sad to see; she’s been great to watch and she’s bacon obsessed, so Richie has let go a winner, in my books.
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