The Bachelorette: Episode 12 — Why Do I Watch This?
I fucking hate this show.
SURPRISE! I had a few people ask for me to write something for this season but I did a Bachelor podcast and photoshops and shit so no time to do it. But, FUCK IT, I’ll do one for this special event and maybe hop back on the wagon next season.
I fucking hate this show.
We open on Fiji and a fuckload of drone shots – I know this because I maxed my credit card buying a drone out of impulse but you’re not here to discuss MY DEBTS ha ha ha *cries*
Australian Idol’s Andrew G is ROCKING THE SHORTS MY GOD I CAN NEVER EVER WEAR SHORTS AGAIN. WHAT LEGS YOU HAVE.
Oh wow look at the garbage city of Sydney. No one cares go back to pricing humans out of their fucking homes. I WATCHED LOVE IT OR LIST IT AND KNOW SYDNEY EXPENSIVE. WAKE UP, SHEEPLE.
Remember Jarrod? We all do. Why is this? The dude is fuckin’ bananas. He’s like Norman Bates but if Norm Bates owned a goon farm. He also, like, realllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly loves Sophie.
Remember Stu? We all do. He’s a fucking rich lad who helped fund the show, he’s also STILL MARRIED AND HAD A VASECTOMY — which means his balls were cut off so no more kids — so he’s perfect for her.
Hmmmm, someone is missing? OH RIGHT, IT’S EVERYONE’S FAVOURITE JAMES AND MY FUCKING SWEEPS PICK JAMES. Love is dead.
Soph gets on a plane and flies to Fiji. Ever flown Fiji Air? HERE’S A TONNE OF SIGNAGE TO REMIND YOU TO DO SO.
Jarrod walks out of his bungalow and does not rock shorts very well. He’s immediately sunburnt because any time he is touched by UV he just gets SCORCHED. He’s gonna die when Stu gets the rose holy shit. We get a shit slow mo shot in the water but I don’t care.
Stu gets the same treatment and he’s fucking shit and I don’t care. He’s also got fucking garbage hair. There’s a weird little scene where he keeps pecking Sophie on the neck while they wipe their asses on a super yacht he has and we are all creeped out.
WE KEEP GETTING TOLD ABOUT WHY THEY’RE HERE AND NO FUCKING SHIT YOU IDIOTS WE HAVE BEEN WATCHING FOR SIX WEEKS AND I HAVEN’T SLEPT.
Anyways, Sophie’s family is there and they share a moment. I don’t listen because you don’t really need to at this point as the show loves to recap the last five minutes EVERY FIVE MINUTES.
Stu is the first to meet the family. He’s wearing his best dad gear because HE’S STILL A MARRIED FATHER OF SIXTEEN. Stu is nervous and says he’s 44, Sophie says it’s a good age. Sophie’s dad is like “ok fuck out of here you old coot.”
Stu walks out of the room because his arthritis flares up.
Sophie’s sister takes him aside for an interrogation and she calls him a playboy which HE IS BUT REFUSES TO ADMIT IT. He explains himself and his playboy shit and then nice music starts and he somehow convinces the jury that OJ was innocent. Naturally, it goes incredibly well. I forgot the rest because I had to help setup Skype for my best podcast friend, Scott, to watch the episode from Hawaii.
Jarrod rocks up and delivers some flowers that he picked after a 48 hour peyote binge. He’s just grinning and shit and says his usual shit about love and evolution of love(?). He admits his LOVE FOR SOPHIE TO HER MUM and it’s, you know, pretty sweet.
As much as we’ve all been shitting on Jarrod and his red face this dude is genuine but he’s still fucking insane so it’s a no from me.
Now we get to waste ANOTHER FUCKING HOUR WITH DATES SO SOPHIE CAN MAKE UP HER MIND BUT SHE ALREADY HAS AND WHY DO I WASTE MY TIME ON THIS?
So Channel Ten got a loan from Stu and hired a helicopter. Soph asks if Jarrod is scared of helicopters and Jarrod is like “FUCK NO, LOVE, I’VE FLOWN 12 TOURS IN 40 BLACKHAWKS FULL METAL JACKET TRU BLUE AY TRUE BLUE. IS IT ME AND YOU”.
Footage is really nice though.
Jarrod repeats the same shit again. WHERE IS AUSTRALIAN IDOL’S ANDREW G. I’M BORED. They get a tiny island to eat on and the last surviving cast member from Lost comes around and serves some local produce and shit.
Oh man, Jarrod is going to pass away after Stu wins ugh I FEEL A BIT BAD NOW NOOOOO. He gets a cheeky kiss and the drone shot is WAY TOO OVER THE TOP. Ten, hire me pls.
Fuck, we come back from an ad break and I thought the date was over but WE STILL HAVE AN HOUR TO GO JESUS CHRIST.
Sophie tells us she hates being served all the time and Jarrod is basically serving her. OH JUST CUT TO THE FUCKING ROSE CEREMONY.
Stu is up next, and they go snorkeling and they do it without permits because Stu, in fact, owns Fiji entirely. Stu says he’s nervous and calls Sophie “Soph” way too much.
I think the fact that they’re gagged by water when snorkeling makes this date SUPER tolerable. Can’t hear any of their shit. BUT Stu is like “I feel things” so that’s nice I guess. THERE’S STILL 40 MINUTES TO GO. After their swim, Stu still has shit hair. He can’t admit his feelings but watch the most predictable shit happen WHEN HE ADMITS HIS FEELINGS.
But, really, it’s quite sweet. They make out holding coconuts and shit. Holy fuck, this is way too intimate. They keep whispering and shit and crying. I can’t actually hear it because we were just crackin’ jokes on the couch because NO ONE CARES WHEN LOVE IS DEAD.
Random thought: I want a HSP.
After all that, everyone stands and stares longingly. They share their diary entries and they all sound the same.
Sophie gets ready with the L’Oréal Tint-o-magic eye liner brow wax thing. I don’t fucking know. PRODUCT PLACEMENT. BIGG BEAUTY HELP ME OUT HERE. #BIGGBEAUTY @BIGGBEAUTY
Australian Idol’s Andrew G rocks up on an island looking AMAZING GOD LOOK AT HIM UGH. MARRY ME. HE’S SO PLEASED FOR HER! They share a cheeky joke because work pals. My roommate SHITS ON HIM AND FUCK YOU MICHELLE HOW DARE YOU. GUESS WHOSE CAT IS GETTING FLUSHED
The guys are on boats and guess who is first? FUCKIN JARRODDDDD. J-Rod. Oh shit, this is gonna kick everyone in the balls. The music A IS SWEEPING SCORE.
WE ARE AT DEFCON 1 PEOPLE. THE NUKES HAVE LAUNCHED. WEEEOOOOWEEEOOOO
How the fuck does Australian Idol’s Andrew G hold a straight face my god. He’s such an amazing guy.
Okay, Jarrod, here we go. Sophie retells their history for us which is really nice and then drops THE MOTHERFUCKING HAMMER after 10 minutes of faffing about. STOP DRAWING THIS OUT, MAN.
Goddamn, he handles this shit like a pro. Hold onto those nukes, people. Jarrod walks off onto the beach for around 50 minutes because no more VIP for you. The mics are still on so we can hear his sniffling and this is just fucked up shit from the production, at this point.
We hold onto this shot of him walking up the beach sad and crying. This is fucking AWFUL. CUT IT OUT CHANNEL TEN HE IS ALREADY DEAD.
I literally don’t care about Stu’s shit. But, yeah, we’re gonna get it. Sophie is so happy now isn’t it great? I DON’T CARE BECAUSE JAMES ISN’T HERE. THIS SHOW IS TRASH.
Stu admits he’s in love with Sophie. He gets the same script from Sophie as Jarrod and she’s pleased. Blah, FUCKITY BLAH. Sophie admits her love to him and they whisper again because they want it to be intimate EVEN THOUGH THEY’RE:
- ON
- A
- NATIONALLY
- TELEVISED
- PROGRAM
The episode closes on some sweeping drone shots and that’s pretty much it. Man, this season had so much promise and entertainment and then it shat itself, threw it on a wall and threw it in a blender. No surprises, to be honest. Also fuck you Blake.
