Father’s Funeral | all’s well, all’s well
a tragicomedy with mother and son.
(The curtain lifts, the scene is empty save for a coffin placed at backstage centre. Lighting is solemn, and thunder booms outside.)
:::‘AMALIA’ PLAYS:::
(Enter Mother and son from backstage left and backstage right respectively. They stand beside coffin in lament. The mother is cold and numb, standing next to the coffin without much reaction, while the son, grief-stricken and lost, asks his mother about his father for the first time.)
Son(after crying): Why must I have to face such a tragedy, and have him taken from me so young! Even before his death, father never talked about his work…He was never home, always away on this business or that. Oh, but I never knew my father! Mother, mother please tell me what he did for all the time when he was away…
Mother(stoic and gruff, but still lamenting): Son, your father was a great, great man. He was a changer of things in this world, an innovator, a pioneer. (Son seems surprised). What? Have you not the slightest expectation for your father? He did work no other man could do! (Begins pacing the room, the grabs son by shoulders). Many of his friends and colleagues are coming to pay their respects today…you must be brave, son.
Son(No longer lamenting, but agitated and rather excited): Thank the Lord! Thank the Lord! Finally, I can meet my father, even in death…
Mother(sighs and turns to son, son is a little surprised by this sudden movement): Your father was a lawer, dear son, a famous lawyer who prosecuted the killer Don Gorgon himself! Listen!(son listens), I him at the door right now!
:::‘THE DANCE OF THE TEMPEST’ PLAYS:::
(Enters Lawman, snobbish and high-held. He then bows his head deeply at the coffin, and approaches son.)
Lawman: What a shame! A sky-cursed mutiny to have lost such a wondrous companion. (Sighs… notices son). Ah, and this young man…By Jove you must be his son!
Son: Sir(stuttered) Sir you knew my father?
Lawman(comes over to shake hands): Yes, my dear lad. I worked with him on almost every case…He was like a father to me(begins to cry..)
Son(awkward blinks at the audience): Right……But what was he like?
Lawman: An admirable fellow, the most hardest of the hardworking. (Steps forward). Always working, never even taking a breath. Sometimes he paced from one wall to left in our office, a hand in his hair. He was never late, and rightly so, dear boy. (Shakes head)lAn admirable fellow…
Lawman(turns to son again to shake his hand with vigour): My child. If ever you should require financial assistance in any regard. You know who to consult(laughs and brings out contract).
(Lawmaker exits)
Son(signs it): Oh sir…how should I thank you? Sir?(Son gives up and returns to his stage area).
Son(shaken): Well…I don’t know what to say…So all that time, he was out in an office, working for justice? But why did he never tell me? (Sighs…) Well, at least now I know…
Mother(Turns to son in disbelief): What did you say, son? A lawyer? Pfft, you father couldn’t be a lawyer! He is nothing near a lawyer!
Son(shocked out of his trance): But mother!? The gentleman who came said…
Mother: I never said anything about a lawyer. You father was a scientist, my boy, not a lawyer! (Pause, son is slightly confused)
Son(to himself, loud enough for audience):Wha — A scientist? (Shakes his head and throws hands).
Mother: Son, many of your father’s friends are coming tonight. You must be brave.
Son: Mother, you already said that…
Mother: Shhhh!
:::‘MANIACAL’ PLAYS:::
(Enters Steinbert Alein, the scientist. He is jittery and twitchy, bent and stooped over. He dashes to the coffin in a totter, and inspects it.)
Steinbert Alein: Hmmm yes….the spacial mechanics of quantum dark matter indicates that the body is….Here! (Sees coffin) Aha! (Begins to sniffle and wheeze, goes up to coffin). Well, it appears that our specimen here is, in fact, after many calculations, with much review, DEAD. (He slumps over coffin and cries, son stares in shock and light disdain).
Son: Uhh….Mr Scientist?
Steinbert Alein:(Jolts up, totters over) Ahh…ahhhhhhhhhh yes. (Twiddles pen and puts in mouth like cigar) I am Steinbert Alien, the pioneer in astrophysics and rocket physics and burger physics and human physics(interacts with son, who shakes him off) and…
Son: Sir, sir are you alright? Not to be rude or anything, but do you need some time to calm down?
Steinbert: Ah…Ah but dear stranger: Time is just a construct for human perception, an illusion cerated by tick-tock-tick-tock-tick-tock….(Crumples down, hand between knees, rocking like a madman.)
Son(looks at mother, who shows mild interest, then turns head back to Steinbert): Mr Steinbert, Mr Steinbert my mother told me that you once knew my —
Steinbert(rises up): E equals MC squared! E equals MC squared! Your father was the ingenious mind behind that legendary equation! A brilliant scientist, a brilliant one indeed! Tell me, little man, where is he?
Son:(clearly concerned, but no longer confused. Grabs scientist): Father, (sobs) my father is dead!
Steinbert(easing out of Son’s grasp): Oh…Oh well I suppose my work is done then. (Shaking hands). Time. If only I had more time with him I could…(Mutters to self:) E equals MC squared! E equals MC squared!
Son(turns away): But father never talked about these things! He didn’t care for my science-fair volcanoes or even that time when I put potassium into water during chemistry —
Steinbert: Did someone say ChEmIsTry(gets very very excited. Runs up to son). Little man, I promise to tutor you any chemistry question you might have! (Offers hand, Son hesitates.)
Son(visibly confused): Right, about that…
Steinbert: Just come to the asylum down the street, dearest boy. I will not disappoint.
(Makes a hasty half-salute to the coffin, then Steinbert totters off)
Son(disappointed and shocked, to mother & audience): My father was a lawyer AND a scientist? (Thinks of Steinbert and avoids mother’s gaze), That old man was crazy though…but father is dead, and he has no reason to lie to me. (Turns again to mother). Well, mother, you did tell me how he changed things, how he was a pioneer. I believe you, (hand on heart) I am at peace.
Mother(thinks for a while, then turns to son in mock-anger): Son! Son what are you blathering on about? Your father did not wear suits or do physics! When I met him, your father was more than that! He was a leader of men, a governor of nations!
Son(Both hands in hair, exasperated): Mother! Mother have you gone insane?! My father was a president?
Mother: More than that, child!(Pause) Son, many of your father’s friends are coming tonight. You must be brave.
Son: I am brave! I’ve been under control this entire time! It is you who is —
:::‘USSR ANTHEM’ PLAYS:::
(Son stares in pure shock as Joseph Stalin, General Secretary of the USSR enter with Adradolf Lincoln, Stalin’s right-hand man. They goose-step in a straight file to the coffin, and bow in unison at 90 degrees, salute and then walk forward. Abradolf sits in a chair and begins to type on a laptop[to control music])
Stalin(makes a military step toward Son, which causes Son to jump in fright. He then salutes, and extends his arm ): Joseph Stalin, General Secretary of the Soviet Union. (Son stares at secretary)That is Abradolf Lincolner, my right hand man.
Son(shakes hand and glances at mother, mouthing “WHAT THE F-”):M-Mister Stalin, I-It’s an honour to receive you.
Stalin(nods): Well. It is sad day. Today, we mourn death of a great comrade. You are Son, yes? (Son tries to shake head) YES? (Son shakes head vigorously. Stalin walks to centre-stage).
Stalin: Let me tell you story. Story goes: He was general at Stalingrad. The Nazis were closing in. Bombs rain from the sky. And in our most dire moment. He came. He was an angel of death, I tell you. He opened fire on Nazis. Nazis went BOOOM! Union wins because of him. Union always win because of him. (Son learns forward in interest. Stalin laughs, while making bomb noises).
Abradolf(from his chair): But what about the hundreds of friendly tanks he blew up? (Stalin turns sharply to him. Son covers his mouth in fear).
Stalin(In loud voice, angry): WHAT? IT. WAS. VICTORY. In Soviet Russia, VICTORY IS VICTORY. (Goes over to Abradolf, drags him from chair by the ear[we’ll make sure nobody is hurt here by choreographing this]. Abradolf is flung onto the ground). I SEND YOU TO GULAG. I SEND YOUR FAMILY TO GULAG!(notices Son, and lets go of Abradolf. Laughs awkwardly). Heh, any questions, comrade?
(Son shakes his head.Stalin pulls Abardolf with him up and faces the coffin, bow and salute again.)
Stalin: If you need any help invading sovereign nation, come to Stalin. Yes?
Son: Y-yes, Sir.
Stalin(to coffin): I will remember you, soldier.
(Stalin nods, and escorts Abradolf Lincoler off the stage.)
Son(speechless): :::gurgles:::
Mother: Are you not going to complain? About how father is not as great as you want him to be?
Son(in shock and disbelief): We just saw Stalin. STALIN! What ‘friends’ are coming to visit today, mother? Who next? Hitler? Ivan the Terrible? Father was old, but not that old! And friends with a dictator!
Mother: Your father was a great leader!
Son: My father killed people!
Mother(annoyed now): Same thing! (Mother pretends to turn away, but then turns back again) Son, many of your father’s friends are coming tonight —
Son(agitated): And I must be brave. (Sighs, and smoothens shirt. Calms down) I know, mother, but I just want to know who father really was, you know? Not what he did, but who he —
:::‘HUGJSÁ PLAYS’:::
(Ragnar Ironside kicks open the door and charges in with a fury of axe-swings. Son yelps and dives behind the coffin for cover. Mother remains standing, unaffected.)
Ragnar : AAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I AM RAGNAR IRIONSIDE, BERSERKER OF THE RAVEN CLAN OF THE NORTH, OUT TO GUARD MY KING ON HIS FINAL JOURNEY.
(Ragnar paces about, looking for anyone to point his way. He sees the coffin, drops his axe and kneels on the ground. Mother pats Ragnar on the back. Son crawls out from his hiding place. Ragnar notices him, and storms up to Son. He raises his axe. Son cowers in fear. But Ragnar cuts off his own hand. He grunts in pain, and drops the hand onto the coffin in sacrifice.)
Ragnar: Let the valkyries defend you, my valiant king, my brother-in-arms.
(Ragnar slumps off.)
(Son opens his eyes and checks if Ragnar is still here. Once he makes sure the coast is clear, he recovers his original stance. Mother is unaffected. Both of them stare at the hand for a while, until mother speaks.)
Mother(helping son stand up): Son, now do you understand? Your father was a changer of things in this world, an innovator, a pioneer!
Son: No, mother. NO! (Breaking away from mother) I don’t understand any of this! I didn’t ask for any of this! I’ve seen so many of his ‘friends’, but I still do no know what kind of man he was.
Mother: There is one more friend who is waiting.
Son: I can’t bear this anymore. I’m leaving!(Shakes head and heads to the door)
Mother: You must stay, son. He is betraying all of his world by coming to see you.
Son: Tell me the name of this friend, and I’ll decide for myself.
Mother: Max.
Son(visibly surprised): Max? Just…Max?
Mother: Yes, just ‘Max’.
Son: Well…(paces) I suppose I could stay. (He walks back)
Mother: I will lead him in(hurries off and exits door).
(Son tends to the coffin, and waits for mother. Centaur enters, led by Mother. He jumps at the sound of the Scottish music.)
:::‘SCOTLAND THE BRAVE PLAYS’:::
Mother: Meet Maximus Lucius Hargart, the centaur!
Centaur: [HORSE NOISE]
Mother: He is saying hello.
(Son drops to his knees and covers his head[at this point, reach for your premade script in preparation for your monologue]. Centaur and Mother converse in horse, then the Centaur cries, sings a long line of poetry before crying and being led away. Mother shortly returns, looks at son, shakes her head and goes back to her side of the coffin.)
:::LONG SILENCE:::
:::‘L’AU REVOIR’ PLAYS:::
Son(slowly rising, begins his final goodbye. The undertaker works in the background):
I never knew you, father. In all of my memories I could ever remember, you were never at the centre of things…Never at the centre of anything, but at the margins of everything: the end of the map. Today I met your friends, and they talked about you, about all your adventures and the things you did. (Darkest moment) But I was lost, and I was confused, and for a moment, I hated you.(Revelatory, Son’s emotions rise in unison:) But I see now! It should not matter to me if you are a lawyer, a scientist, or even a centaur! I see now, that you must’ve thought of me as much as I must’ve thought of you. (Climax) You loved me. You loved me and that is all I need to know. (Falling-off)I never thanked you, but may you rest in peace knowing that I, your son, has been given bravery and courage. Watch over me……(Dramatic)Dad.
Finis.
