*Satire ahead!*

Take a break with our new columnist Jo Blowhard, and her local opinion column ‘Not for Nuts!’, a window into the irreverent and witty life of a wacky gal from the Staten Isle. Leave your stress by the door, and get ready for some truth with a side of the giggles.

**Please note, the opinions of our columnists do not necessarily reflect the views of the Ambrose Light, unless we think we can get away with it. **

Not For Nuts’: Hey Liberals, Leave the Sun Alone!

Just stop it now. You can’t change the past by blotting out the sun. You can’t hide your ridiculous actions by directing all your anger and hate against a large celestial body and darkening the skies around our wayward nation. What a bunch of snickerdoodles! It’s big, bright and white, folks. Ain’t no snuffin’ it.

I keep seeing all these liberal wingbats waddling around our ‘nabe, not a coherent thought in their head. But today I saw them do something that made this big mama dove squawk with anger. I was out walking the pooch, and whammo-blammo, ain’t no sun in the sky! All at once, I knew the cause: Black Lives Matter has blackened up my sunny white day. First my statues, then my sun!? No thank you!

I’m a reasonable person, I’ve been pretty good about rollin’ with the flow lately. All this he-said, she-said in the media. But the sky's the limit! You can’t mess with the sky for your zany liberal agenda. Decent folk won’t allow it! And how are you going to power your wishy-washy solar windmills? You’re just eating yourself in the foot.

May I remind you that good ol’ Martin Luther King the Second destroyed racism for all time, and he did so under a big, beautiful, white Montgomery sun. Malcolm X, he got gunned down at night. A black night. I’m pretty sure! Why can’t you dummies listen from history?! Maybe it’s because then all the lights go out and it goes dark, it’s prime time for looting? This little lady is on to your tricks.

I gotta thank Mr. Jesus and Mr. Trump for getting our big white sun to shine again after a brief 2-hour delay to get all the facts. Only reasonable! And he didn’t ask for any thanks. I bet you sore-losers all forgot that if divisive Obama was still in that big white house down on Pennsylvania, he’d have called in his voodoo-hoodoo workers and Aztec flim-flammers to sacrifice some more civil liberties to the Mexicans, and ask us all to thank him when the sun rose the next morning with a big bowl of porridge! And the RINOs would have drizzled the raisins on top, no questions sold! We’ll I ain’t buying. Those raisins need a sun!

Last time these so-called Civil Righters got it so Civil Wrong was back in 1970 (Yes, believe it or not this young lady can remember way back when!). We released seven violent alt-left protesters from their cells in Chicago, and the sun itself was hidden by the extremism of it all! In 1979 the sky went dark, but this time because of all those San Francisco types getting so uppity. I would have thought we’d have learned our lesson, but no-sir, it seems like some folks just can’t let history be, and they go ahead and blacken our present and our future.

So not for nuts, but when all you crying kiddos get your feathers in a rumple over hardworking Neo-Nazis and their torches, don’t think I won’t remind you why they needed those torches in the first place: you blocked out the sun with your foolish black progressive power! Simmer on down, leave the sun be, and enjoy this beautiful, bright, white day! May they last for a thousand years.

In lighter news, look for my review of The Emoji Movie in next week’s column! Too many yellow folks? I sure think so!

This article has been changed from it’s original title: “Neo-Nazis are the rightful owners the sun.”