Sanitation Department Makes Changes To Bulk Hipster Collection
*Satire Ahead*
Homeowners in Bay Ridge and Dyker Heights are breathing a sigh of relief today. The Department of Sanitation has made sweeping changes to it’s bulk hipster collection policies after local protest. Residents have been up to their armpits in greasy twenty-somethings since last August, when the city insisted that residents sort out gentrifying hipsters from the usual practice of trashing of anyone under the age of thirty.
The change rolls back the city-wide pilot program that had been encouraging homeowners to distinguish between “young people” and “hipsters”, the latter being generally wealthy and apolitical bringers of context-less change and luxury condos. The DSNY claimed that Hipsters were a rare occurrence in the Southern Brooklyn, and required residents to call 311 in order to schedule separate pickup.
“Trash-talking people with overused buzz-words was working just fine before, so why change?” — Alex Smithe, Dyker Heights resident
It is a victory for some long-suffering residents who had complained that distinguishing between ‘gentrifying hipsters’ and ‘anyone under the age of thirty’ was too complex. This is despite warnings about the long-term ramifications of cross-contaminating their waste streams.
Among the residents pleased with the change was Christy DeSoto, a homeowner in Dyker Heights, “Each time I look out my window, [there’s] another protest happening outside of [Congressman] Dan Donovan’s office. Each time I called 311 to schedule pickup of these garbage people, they said I needed evidence of them not shopping at local mom-and-pop businesses. I don’t care. One guy had skinny jeans. Clearly nothing he says matters.”
Gregory Spiridon, who owns a house on a quaint cobblestone cul-de-sac in Bay Ridge, similarly failed to see a difference between young people and hipsters. “These smelly hipsters are overflowing the neighborhood, and the city is doing nothing about it. That one has been here for at least five years without being disposed of.” Mr. Spiridon then pointed at a young parent on his lawn, who was playing with a small child. “I saw her distributing leaflets for Justin Brannan a month ago. Probably ironically.”
Said the young parent in response, “Dad, you're embarrassing yourself.”
“I hate separating plastic from metal, young people from hipsters, or acknowledging change and my own mortality.” — Harry Per, Fort Hamilton resident
Some sanitation officials were saddened by the rollback. Said Mel Gionutto, a sanitation worker, “We’d get calls to pick up Hipsters all the time. They require special handling to dispose of, so we’d get our mustache-wax resistant gloves on, the whole nine yards. But most of the so-called Hipsters could correctly identify U-Bet as the chocolate syrup to be used in a traditional egg-cream, and pretty much none of them had trust fund accounts. It was a huge waste of time, so we thought an education campaign would be best.” Mr. Gionutto said he was disheartened by the neighborhoods resistance to the program. “To lump [Millenials] in with Hipsters is sad, because most young people with minimal effort can be recycled into valuable products like entrepreneurs, nursing home staffers, blue-collar workers, local teachers, or affordable housing advocates. We simply don’t give them the chance.”
The Sanitation Department has yet to announce any policy changes that will alleviate the fact that the neighborhood is filled with garbage people, in general.
