Bob Capano Gets Into Heated Argument with Fire Hydrant
*Satire ahead!*
Did you wake to the sounds of an angry tirade this morning? It was likely City Council candidate and Tea Party member Bob Capano directing one of his trademark two-hour fulminations towards a fire hydrant on the corner of 6th avenue and 73rd street.
Morning dog walkers report that Bob Capano was on the scene as early as 6am, angrily shouting and pointing his finger at the fire-hydrant. “He was standing there, shouting ‘Hydrant! Communist! Red Communist Hydra! Many-Headed Socialist Johnnypump!’ over and over again.” said local resident Bill Corvin. “I was passing by with my corgi, and [Capano] shuffled over and tried to get me to sign a flier denouncing all communist street furniture. He didn’t stop yelling at the hydrant though. I just kind of sped up and walked past him.”
“He applauded me when my terrier peed on the hydrant.” another neighbor alleged. “He told me it was a good idea and had a weird glint in his eye. I didn’t walk home the same way, I can tell you.”
“Why should you exist!?” Capano is reported to have asked the hydrant. “You are a waste of resources. You condone fires through your mere presence. Fires need to be prevented, not extinguished. Your silence speaks volumes.” Capano reportedly grew more agitated when a MAGA hat refused to stay on the hydrant without falling into a nearby pile of dogshit.
Bob Capano has long opposed fire hydrants, and is on the record stating that the presence of these “streetside water distribution centers” only encourages reckless homeowners and renters to wantonly set fire to their domiciles without thinking about the consequences. Said Capano, “In the 1850s, fire-fighting was the responsibility of upstanding homeowners and private capital. Now in New York, with fire hydrants, we are seeing people willfully destroying their life and all their possessions just to get their kicks, knowing that some taxpayer-funded and licensed firefighter is waiting in the wings to save them from their own pyromaniacal addiction.”
Capano explained his actions later that afternoon in a phone call with the Ambrose Light. “I was there to protect the community, and to expose these hydrants for what they are: magnets for unwanted pyromaniacs in our community and wastes of parking space. We should let raging fires occur in parks, beneath overpasses, and in other less affluent neighborhoods where they belong. You know the old saying: ‘If your neighbor’s house is on fire, it’s because you coddled them by being a decent human being who’d help them in their moment of need.’ This needs to stop, now.”
When confronted with the city-funded data that shows that hydrants prevent the spread of fires to neighboring houses, Capano called the report “political foolishness”, “sharia firefighting”, “communism, plain and simple” and “I don’t like reading things.”
As of press time, Bob Capano was spotted outside our offices with his endorser Curtis Sliwa, who were taking turns angrily denouncing a street light for providing a well-lit space for muggings to occur.
