Congressman Dan Donovan Revealed to Have Been Locked in Phone Booth for Past 7 Months
*satire ahead!*
New York Congressman Dan Donovan’s office in a statement today has confirmed that the representative for Staten Island and parts of Brooklyn has been trapped in a phone booth since late January. The Congressman’s predicament explains recent behavior, such as an avoidance of his constituents and refusal to take part in public gatherings.
Patrick Ryan, Donovan’s Communications Director, finally confirmed suspicions after nearly 7 months of avoidance. “The Congressman has been making all attempts to continue a normal schedule despite his predicament. We can confidently say that being hopelessly stuck inside of a phone booth has in no way impacted Representative Donovan’s usual levels of openness, transparency, and willingness to engage with his constituents.” When asked to explain the Congressman’s continued appearances in small, inoffensive photo ops, Mr. Ryan responded, “For the first month we dressed up Liam McCabe, but he got a bit addicted to the attention, so we’ve been using a cardboard cutout since early March. Honestly, not many people noticed.”
Rep. Donovan’s predicament was first discovered by his staff when the congressman called from the phone booth asking for assistance on January 17th. “He saw a constituent walking down the street toward him and panicked. He jumped into the nearest hiding place, a phone booth, and shut the door too forcefully.” explained Mr. Ryan.
Concerned Staten Island and Brooklyn residents, unable to locate their elected official, organized a district-wide manhunt in June. “It was after the second quote-unquote Town Hall in April that I began to get suspicious.” said Rossville resident Wendy Perkins. “And when they added the telephone town-halls to the congressman’s ‘Contacts’ page, and I had this unshakable feeling that he was stuck in a phone booth, unable to escape, slowly going mad.”
“Clearly, that was the first thing that came to mind.” said Dyker Heights resident John MacGullan. “I went to the protest outside his Brooklyn office during the first phone-only town hall. We all stood around, shivering, trying to listen in on our phone speakers. We were so upset. How could he avoid meeting us in person? Why were so many people locked out of the supposedly public call? We were forced to share our connections with our neighbors in the freezing cold. But when we heard his voice, so distorted and tinny, dripping with fear and paranoia… I looked at the guy next to me, and we just knew: he’s trapped in a phone booth again, isn’t he?”
A group of local teenagers were the first members of the public to find the congressman, Donovan’s staff confirmed. It had been a local hangout, and upset by his occupancy, have been mercilessly prank calling for the last two months.
Giuseppe Deserio at Donovan’s office explained: “The pranks are bad, but we refuse to ask Verizon to disconnect the line. It’s his only contact with the outside world. Those Telephone Town Halls have been a huge help, for example. It’s not for the constituents, really, it’s for Dan. He starts getting stir-crazy if he can’t talk about all the ways he’s helping improve New York while sitting cross-legged and unclothed in a festering metal box. The latest few heat waves, in particular, have been hard on him psychologically, especially considering how often he votes against recognizing climate change.”
None of the Congressman’s aides would speak on the record about the location of the booth, citing safety concerns. Staten Island residents, however, have reported frequent visits by individuals sliding Capri-Sun packs and Federal legislation under the door of a disused phone booth located behind a pharmacy on Hylan Boulevard.
“A week ago, I saw someone delivering Chinese Food to the booth.” said a local business owner. “I guess whoever’s in there was getting hungry, but the delivery guy really couldn’t figure out how to get the food inside, so they just left it outside the door. It started smelling, and it attracted a few raccoons who started building a nest and scratching at the door. Sometimes I can hear sobbing coming from inside.”
When asked if any attempts have been made to free the entrapped Congressman, Donovan’s Chief of Staff Ronald Carara was taken aback. “That’s the first time I’m hearing that as an option. Do you think it’s popular? If so, I’m sure the congressman will be behind it after a few weeks of consideration, but we’ll probably need to ask Trump first.”
