Local Dingbat Seeks Attention for Unfunny Blog
*Absolute Truth Ahead!*
Local dingus David Hepplewhite dramatically revealed himself today as the author of a local satire blog nobody knows about. The blog is renowned for having zero impact on literally anything.
We sat down to chat with Mr. Hepplewhite at a local coffee shop last weekend. After showing up twenty minutes late, the accomplished nonentity, who has no background in journalism, comedy, or writing, explained his process: “I make things up, then I do a bunch of research, then combine the two so you can’t tell what’s what. It’s very informative.”
Hepplewhite, shown above being very serious while coming up with uninformed jokes on the internet, says he doesn’t write for popularity or credit. He then engaged in a lengthy four-hour interview with a reporter to talk about himself. “People seem to love laughing, and maybe if they laugh at local politicians they’ll also learn serious lessons about their platforms and how they’ll affect the community.” said Hepplewhite, implying that the crude caricatures, mockery of campaign signs, and stale references to ‘The Little Rascals’ were essential to an informed and engaged electorate.
“We have lots of satire at a national level…” continued the dunderpated noid. “It’s made us very aware of things we frustratingly have very little control over. I figured we should humorize and contextualize local issues that we have greater control and responsibility for.” Hepplewhite explained that he peppers his harebrained articles with links to hard research, which helpfully caters to the one percent of the population with an attention span.
“I don’t want to take up too much air,” said Hepplewhite, while ravenously consuming a caffeinated beverage and refusing to be interrupted. “Some issues should be left to serious debate.”
If the name David Hepplewhite seems familiar, it is because The Ambrose Light has interviewed him before. When asked if he was concerned with his own safety due to the thinly-veiled references to real neighbors in his humorless waste of a blog, Hepplewhite responded: “I think people can tell the difference between satire and not. My stories are inherently ridiculous, especially because they are highly self-referential and filled with narrative in-jokes. Any relation to actual people is entirely coincidental. For example, I use a character called Daniel Hetteix on my blog. That may seem influenced by myself, David Hepplewhite, but there are clear dissimilarities. For example, Daniel, as I invented him, has a genuine sense of humor, something I clearly lack.”
When asked if his monkeyshines were only serving to increase partisan rancor, Hepplewhite seemed unconcerned, citing the non-partisan nature of his shenanigans: “If someone does something ridiculous, I’ll make fun of it. I’m progressive, but I’ll criticize both sides.” Hepplewhite’s ‘balanced’ reporting has made fun of Democrats just once, while also repeatedly implying that every single local Republican was a flesh-eating demon who would prefer to be trapped in a phone-booth endlessly drinking their own bodily fluids than confront informed constituents.
If people don’t want to be mocked, maybe they should be less ridiculous. You don’t see too many conservative satirists because most conservatives are dead-serious about their absurdity.
Hepplewhite fecklessly admitted that the majority of his attention came from the absurdly easy to rile LIAM MCCABE, whose unpopularity furnished the views for his two highest-viewed articles (seven and ten views, respectively, when you factor out his obviously over-inflated self-reported viewership). It remains to be seen if the site has any future. The dweebish blog may be incapable of holding anyone's interest without a ridiculous, larger-than-life reprobate like LIAM. With two nearly indistinguishable City Council candidates running for local office, an AWOL Congressman, and a social-media blocking negativity-spewing mayoral candidate, there is seemingly nobody left who can be easily goaded into making the mistake of engaging with a desperate satirist.
In other news, Michael Grimm announced his candidacy on October 1st.
You only have until October 13th to change your party or register to vote in next years 2018 Primaries! You can have an effect in your local government. Register today!
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