Concerned Staff say Dan Donovan Won’t Stop Talking About How Cool Air Force One Is
**Satire**
After a weekend of concern, congressional staffers are beginning to suspect that Dan Donovan is nowhere near ready to stop discussing how cool Air Force One is. “He left from the office Friday, and he was regular old Dan. Stoic. Immune to feeling.” said a staff-person speaking on condition of anonymity. “It wasn’t even a long trip. How long does a flight to Long Island take, an hour tops? But you’d think he’d just been to the moon or something.”
According to the aide, Donovan spent most of Monday wide-eyed, scrolling through selfies of himself and Trump, and interrupting staffers who were attempting to downplay his presence at a controversial speech made by the president that encouraged increased police violence. “I’m just trying to get some work done. Just a sec. Yes Dan, I see, yes, three chefs. I’m sure it was tasty.” said an audibly distressed receptionist who answered his office line on Monday.
We caught up with an aide at the cafeteria in the Longworth House Office Building across from the Capitol: “We just barely avoided having to deal with health care being in the House again, we thought we lucked out… and now this.” the staffer sighed, sipping a cup of coffee while dejectedly managing the 60 year old congressman's Twitter feed. “We spent all weekend hoping nobody noticed the choke-hold connection. That’s always been a huge weight around our necks. It’s hard enough writing a press release after Trump literally thanked Dan moments before encouraging cops to manhandle suspects.”
Said the congressman's PR spokesperson: “I’m concerned. I met with the congressman to go over a statement disavowing the remarks. But the Congressman kept insisting I tweet about how the plane had a Wii. We didn’t even need to spin it well, we needed something, anything. But every other sentence was whether I knew what a Wii is, did we have a Wii in the office, do we have a flat-screen TV we can play it on, you know, like they ones they had built into the back of the seats on the plane. He called a few reporters, and I thought he finally snapped out of it, but it was just to gloat about the damn plane! They were asking him all about why the NYPD had the sense to not attend, but he did, and he said something about how the plane had Netflix. Apparently Trumps account has watched a ton of House of Cards. Then he started talking about the white leather upholstery, how he likes it better than the black. It’s like he literally can’t hear himself sometimes.”
“And I swear, if he keeps on about how we need to get the congressional seal on all our office ashtrays, just like they have on the plane, I’m going to lose it.”
“Still,” said the spokesperson, “It could be worse. This morning, when he cornered me in the break-room about how the plane was shielded against nuclear blasts, I suddenly realized how lucky we are that nobody had video of him clapping and laughing along with all those cops.”
