Dyker Heights Civility Association Invites Democratic Candidates To Debate “Just Over There, Under That Anvil”
*Satire Ahead*
The illustrious, 2,000 year old Dyker Heights Civility Association has announced in a press release that they have extended an olive branch wrapped in barbed wire to local Democratic candidates, inviting them to a traditional debate beneath a gently swaying anvil.
“Look, there’s food under it and everything.” said Civility Association leader Francesca Pietrina-Pagnotto, pointing at a bagel unsuspiciously wrapped in twine that led to an extendible boxing glove positioned, groin-height, beside the bagel.
The Dyker Heights Civility Association has a long, storied history of hosting debates for the community in their lavishly-appointed meeting room, positioned one floor above the neighborhood piranha tank.
“Every resident of this neighborhood has a right to listen to their representatives debate the issues of the day.” said Jerry Gassen, who co-chairs the Civility Association. “But Democrats want to deny them the opportunity to loudly shout racist talking-points followed by a… lets say, fun surprise.”
The Civility Association is the final remaining local institution that dedicates itself to nonpartisan, informative debates in Bay Ridge and Dyker Heights. The BRCC, the Blindly Reactionary Conservative Caucus, once also held debates at nearby Fort Hamilton High School, but earned some bad publicity in 2018 after a poorly-maintained oscillating fan accidentally blew an umbrella into a pile of dominos, which triggered a switch that turned off power to a winch that held up a 80lb bag of sand placed over the head of a local Democratic candidate.
“It was a freak, intricate, expensively choreographed accident.” said Mr. Gassen, who was in attendance. “Very sad that it missed.”
Some local Democrats have highlighted the fact that Mr. Gassen and Mrs. Pietrina-Pagnotto, in addition to their responsibilities at the Civility Association, are also both top leaders of the State Conservative Party.
“We haven’t had any complaints from candidates in the past.” said Mr. Gassen as he oversaw a group of volunteers carefully outlining a podium with red warning tape. “For years, we’ve hosted Democrats, Independents, and Libertarians, without bias. Many of these candidates went on to survive until election day, the wily little devils.”
Recently, the Conservative Party has been championing Building Code reform, allowing for looser regulations for trap-door construction. “These extreme leftist socialists oppose mom-and-pop contractors, salt of the earth folks. Do we really want to make things harder on people who know how to make the trap doors fit seamlessly into any hardwood floor?”
Non-profit tax returns show that the Civility Association, in the last five years, received $21,000 from the ACME corporation, $3,000 from Fireworks ’n’ Things, and seven separate donations from various knife-sharpening services.
Confronted with these donations, Mrs. Pietrina-Pagnotto pointed out that all of these donations were from non-partisan corporate donors, and that the sack of bowling balls she was stuffing into a nearby T-shirt cannon could cause serious head injury to anyone, regardless of political party.
“It’s obviously a trap.” said local City Councilman Justin Brannan. “We’re not idiots.”
“We hope they’re idiots.” said Mr. Gassen, as he gingerly tested a loose floorboard with the ball of his foot.
