John Quaglione Inadvertently Calls Graffiti Squad on Own Campaign Posters
*Satire ahead!*
“It’s, it’s really a shame.” said former Marty Golden aide and Republican City Council hopeful John Quaglione, shaking his head as he reflexively Instagrammed a series of four of his own campaign posters affixed to an empty storefront.
“These hooligans are ruining the neighborhood. They don’t care about our local businesses. They don’t care about the residents who have to walk by this filth. They just run around ‘tagging’, posting their sad little brand hoping to be noticed.” droned the primary candidate, before noticing a series of additional blue-and-orange campaign posters across the street. “Oh jeez, more of these… more of these things? It’s like someone’s paying ‘em.”
“Oh, not that guy again.” said a passing USPS worker. “It’s creepy. He’s been tweeting pictures of graffitied mailboxes for years… I guess he finally wen’t over the edge. Must have been hard being Golden’s aide for that long.” noted the mail carrier. “Then again, he kept tagging the postal service in all his posts, about how we needed to clean them up. Like I didn’t know. I walk by the things literally every day, but I guess it’s his job? Does he have a job? Is he OK?”
After a few minutes of tapping on his phone, the Republican candidate for City Council had received another tip about graffiti down a residential street. “These things are like weeds!” mumbled Quaglione at a set of his own lawn signs. “It’s… it’s broken windows all over again. The more of these things you see, the worse things are going to get. Mark my words, it’s a bad omen.” At press time, Quaglione was completing a Facebook post with the hashtag: #WeCanDoBetter.
