Thousands of constituents acquire second-hand food poisoning from LIAM MCCABE
*Satire ahead!*
This Tuesday, thousands of 43rd District residents were rendered acutely ill when a malformed cupcake-like object sporting the sideways-facing visage of LIAM MCCABE was served via. social media to a large group of unsuspecting residents. The strange vaguely-edible object was served on a bed of party-sized Italian heroes slathered in mystery sauce. The incident occurred at dinnertime, resulting in severe gastrointestinal distress.
“I was eating some tiramisu at the Bay Ridge Diner, I checked my phone, and almost threw up in my mouth. I say almost, because I threw up on my husband instead.” said Marsha Chatfield-Hepplewhite, a local resident. “I couldn’t tell if it was a cupcake, or a cookie, or some kind of cookie-sandwich.” said her husband, David Hepplewhite, wiping himself off of both his own and his wife’s collective retchings. “Whatever it was, it didn’t sit well with me. Or pretty much anyone else in the restaurant.”
The hideous confection seems to have been deliberately tainted, judging by the sideways-angling of the pastry, a well-known gang signifier.
The confection was originally prepared to mark the opening of District 43 candidate LIAM MCCABE’s campaign offices, which also featured a rare appearance from the famously skittish Representative Dan Donovan, sporting a hermit’s beard. Many suspect, however, that this was merely Liam McCabe himself in disguise, as it is common knowledge that Dan Donovan remains trapped in a phonebooth.
The sweet, if it can be called such, was perched implausibly atop an Italian Hero, which was rendered inedible through contact. While Italian Heroes are a common and delicious deli staple, the sandwich also contained some sort of Cheez like substance that has caused aggravated offense to the local Italian community. “What the hell is that in there. Cheeze? Thousand Island Dressing? Russian? Ugh, that’s just wrong.” said local deli-owner Sal DeVenza. Upon further inspection of the sandwich, DeVenza asked: “Do you think it’s any good still? With that, oh god what is that a star-sprinkled urinal cake? Does the 5 second rule still apply, or do we burn it?”
Local doctor Jessica Flaherty at Maimonides Medical Center, between treating the violently ill inrush of patients, urged residents to not look at the image again. “The extremely odd framing is also contributing to a sense of vertigo and dizziness, which can cause painful dry heaving, regardless of whether you have fully evacuated your stomach.”
A cursory Health Department search has revealed LIAM MCCABE has at least five outstanding health department violations resulting in a C grade rating. These including presence of race baiting, improperly washing his hands after a publicity stunt, failing to keep his rhetoric at least 2–3 inches above the lowest common denominator, as well as his campaign platform being woefully undercooked.
