Liam McCabe files to change name in NY Civil Court to LIAM MCCABE

*satire ahead!*

Update: To better reflect LIAM’s wishes, Google Chrome users can now download an extension to automatically correct LIAM’s name wherever it occurs on the web.

Citing a corrupt Mayor DeBlasio and a neighborhood that “Has had it up to here with the way things are going, you know, all those terrible things.”, local Republican City Council candidate for the 43rd district in Brooklyn has decided to change his name from Liam McCabe to LIAM MCCABE.

“Can you believe this shit?” said MCCABE, standing at a hastily assembled podium in front of the NY Civil Court. “You get reports in the lamestream media, they really just don’t get it. It’s a travesty, I tell you, the working-class people in this neighborhood ain’t gonna’ stand for it any longer, with DeBlasio bringing this city down the toilet.” When asked to specifically explain his grievance, MCCABE continued: “Nobody listens to the little guy. That’s why I changed my name to upper-case. I’m a bigger guy. DeBlasio thinks he’s so big, two capital letters. How about all, huh? All capital letters.”

A copy of the petition provided to assembled reporters. The Civil Court denied an additional petition by MCCABE to legally change the color of each letter of his name to alternating bright, primary colors.

Continuing his press conference, MCCABE emptied his pockets of an unseemly amount of rancid meat and tissues, dumping them on the court steps. “This is what DeBlasio’s city goons failed to clean up from the gutter outside my house. They failed to pick up the trash because they are trash. They don’t care about the people. And that’s why this about me. Hey!” shouted LIAM at the gaggle of cameramen panning to the pile of gross trash. “I paid you for the hour. Focus on me, not the trash. Me. LIAM.” continued MCCABE, pronouncing his name with an unworldly shriek, waving his unpaid name change petition above his head.

MCCABE doing the peoples work, and not at all being told by cops to please not dump a mound of trash in a public park in order to manufacture attention.

“And those fat-cats in the city, spending our hard-earned taxpayer dollars so they can jet around the world to defend climate change, they should spend that money here, on my name change petition, because I sure as hell ain’t gonna pay $65 dollars. When is it my chance? When is it my turn!?” cried MCCABE, suddenly scrambling to fish out his accidentally-dropped wallet from the pile of stinking meat.

“I know this neighborhood. I was raised here. I know what it’s all about.” shouted MCCABE, jabbing his finger at the paid throng of cameras while he scrambled around on the floor beside the podium. “I’m an in-the-know political consultant. I run a consultancy. DeBlasio, he’s not in the know. He’s not from our neighborhood. That’s why the consultancy I founded is named after our beloved neighborhood icon, the Steeplechase. Steeplechase Strategies, Inc! That’s short for incorporated. Because I’m a real business man, I did political branding, I did robocalls, real salt-of-the-earth stuff. Unlike my opponents!”

When confronted by a reporter with the discrepancy that the logo for his former business is, in fact, the Parachute Drop, he replied “Fake news! When people think of me and my accomplishments, they are never reminded of something flashy plummeting confidently toward the ground at frightening speed.”

“Anyway, when are we going to start talking about me?” MCCABE added.