Malliotakis Returns from Grueling 4-Day Vision Quest
*Satire ahead!*
Nicole Mallotakis, Republican Mayoral hopeful, returned today from a grueling four-day vision quest during which she confronted the long, painful history of racism in the United States. “Racism is bad.” a breathless, disheveled Malliotakis said to reporters, her eyes dilating wildly. “Wait no, that isn’t it. Disgusting. Racism is disgusting. Also, the KKK is bad, and so is David Duke.” Malliotakis described her transcendent revelation over four days after a neo-Nazi, white-pride and confederate apologist rally in Charlottesville incited a terrorist attack which resulted in a death and numerous injuries over the course of multiple days.
Malliotakis set off first thing on Friday night into the wilds of Staten Island, mere seconds after viewing disturbing images of Klan-style torch-bearing mobs. “I took one look, and knew I had to do some deep introspection for at least the amount of time it might take for Donald Drumpf to be pressured into calling out white nationalists publicly, preferably a bit longer. Not that I’d know anything about that.” said the Assemblywoman, leaves and twigs sticking out of her hair.
The presumptive Republican Mayoral candidate claimed she had not read any statements by the President of the United States, and was entirely off-the-grid for the duration of her spiritual journey, with the exception of tweeting over 35 times and accusing deBlasio of turning a blind eye to violent crime. “I didn’t even have time to put on pants. I simply overdosed on at least 20 cans of Red Bull, and set out into Fresh Kills. What can I say, I’m a go-getter.”
“I don’t know what the president said. I haven’t read anything. He also didn’t go far enough to denounce them. But I also had no idea what he was saying. He isn’t me. My mind was experiencing all of time simultaneously right now, so it’s kind of hard to explain.”
It is unclear whether Malliotakis slept or ate while communing with higher powers at a lay-line convergence deep within the former Staten Island Landfill. A press release sent later in the day, however, revealed that she utilized a sacred mantra that involved endlessly refreshing a Google search for “Driver + ‘Grey Dodge Challenger’ + Immigrant?” until she achieved a state of Nirvana in which it her newly-opened third eye revealed that no mitigating circumstances would excuse her continued silence on the issue.
Malliotakis has a history of going off-the-grid to seek perspective on issues that require leadership, wisdom and thought. Her longest disappearance was in 2014, where she couldn’t be found for nearly two weeks before revealing her opinion about hydraulic fracturing, or ‘fracking’. “I spoke with the trees, and spoke with the earth, I drank deep from the well of wisdom.” she said at the time. “And I have come to the conclusion that fracking is probably ok, but only if it’s done ok. It’s bad if it’s done bad.”
As of press time, Bob Capano, Marty Golden, and John Quaglione had yet to return from their astral projection spirit quests and could not be reached for comment.
