Marty Golden calls School Speeding Cameras Unfair to Reckless State Senators
*Satire Ahead!*
In response to recent pedestrian safety issues within Brooklyn’s 22nd State Senate District, Marty Golden remains firm in his rejection of speeding cameras near schools. “They are unfair to the liberty of reckless State Senators.” said Mr. Golden in a slurred voice during a phone call with The Ambrose Light.
“H-Hic-Here, let me put you on speakerphone with one of my aides,” added Sen. Golden.
During the course of a tense three-minute phone call, we spoke to a Golden staffer who identified themselves as ‘Crapwatchout O’Deargod’, who was only occasionally audible over the sounds of peeling tires, honking, and 106.7 Lite FM. “Marty is firm in his opinion that more safety cameras in our neighborhood wouldn’t make anyone any safer, because ohmygod jee-sus you just went through that red light Marty, shit, shit. Both hands on the wheel god give me the flask Marty [expletive]”
Despite being a major roadblock to traffic safety in Albany, Golden has been responsible for a 10% reduction in local traffic accidents, primarily due to his decision to walk to work one day a week. NYPD sources confirm that Marty Golden related deaths are at an all-time low. Said the source, “Marty is dedicated to traffic safety… and his decision to put uniformed officers on the street, who can distinguish between real traffic violations and Marty Golden’s violations, has drastically reduced the number of Marty Golden-related fines in recent years…”
One of Golden’s most loyal donors, Johnny Gofreddo Sr., who runs a sprawling car lot empire in the neighborhood, cited the State Senator as a boon to the neighborhood. “Golden pretty much single-handedly keeps us in business. Lookit’ all this,” said the car dealer as he waved his hand across one of his many block-sized lots. “All of this here would’a been a school or a senior center or some nonsense [a] long time ago if it weren’t for my man Marty. Instead we got what Bay Ridge really needs: car dealerships. Beautiful, sprawling car dealerships.” Added Mr. Gofreddo after taking a long drag on a Pall Mall cigarette, “Why else would anyone wanna’ come out to this shitty neighborhood anyway? We’re doin’ the place a favor by being here.”
Other car dealers cited not just Golden’s personal kickbacks as a cause for improved business, but the example he sets for other residents. “Since Golden has been in office, either as Councilman or State Senator, he’s failed to do a single thing about drag racing, pedestrian safety, public transit, or even parking… and I gotta tell you, all those panicked U-turns on 3rd [Avenue] to grab fleeting parking spots… it’s great for business,” said dealer Sammy Bidea, who runs Bay Ridge Auto Wasteland. “Actually, just a sec, looks like there’s a kindly old lady who just walked in. Ka-ching!”
Golden’s behavior, however, may have something to do with psychological issues after being hit by a car himself while a police officer, which is a possible source of his generous disability pension. Golden has repeatedly insisted that the vaguely-defined injury was a result of a drug bust. Members of the local drag racing circuit, however, tell a different story.
“Marty? Naw man, ‘round here he’s known as ‘The Nightrider.’” said one Gerritsen Beach drag-racer. “Guy’s crazy. Cut’s right through the Marine Park ballfields on his way to meetings, nearly knocked over a bunch of kids. My buddy, he once heard tell the dude’s a former cop and he’s got this sweet pension from getting tagged by another racer in a really gnarly cannonball run in the 80’s. Now he thinks runnin’ people down is doin’ them a favor, like. I heard tell he’s even the guy who hands ’em [the pensions] out upstate.” The man turned back to working on his ATV, adding only, “Like I said, dude’s crazy. No chill. Best not mess with the Nightrider.”
Senator Golden’s spokesperson, John Quaglione, defended his employer in a prepared statement: “The little symbols of strollers, pedestrians, dogs, and bikes inscribed on the side of Senator Golden’s car were there when we bought it. Same with his Albany car… and his private car too.”
As of press time, Mr. Golden’s private 2-ton Chevy Blazer could be seen sitting in one of the many lots in the neighborhood that are kept empty for the purpose of providing Valet Parking spots for Bay Ridge Manor and other business associates of Marty Golden.
