Partisan Sparks Fly over Fort Hamilton Street Dedicated to Slavey McTreasonface
*Satire ahead!*
For the past few weeks, sparks have flown between local residents, politicians, and the U.S. Army concerning a street dedicated to historic local figure Slavey McTreasonface.
“This sudden erasing of history is clearly politically motivated and opportunistic.” said local bar owner James Gilroy. “These politicians are intentionally wading into a divisive, no-win situation that can only lose them the votes of moderate supporters, all just to stand up for marginalized communities and correct the historic record after years of neglect… which is… wait. What was I saying again? Oh yeah. They clearly have something to gain.”
The debate, which has been boiling for weeks, has elicited strong responses from many political candidates. Mayoral hopeful Nicole Malliotakis slammed the idea of renaming the streets: “If we decide to no longer publicly celebrate Slavey McTreasonface just because a few folks are offended, it’s a slippery slope. Where will we draw the line? Slavey McCountryFounder? Slavey McBillofRights?”
Local preservationist David Hepplewhite replied to the slippery slope argument: “I’m pretty sure everyone is in agreement that the line is drawn at not venerating historic figures who have little to no redeeming qualities. At least Slavey McCountryFounder, y’know, founded the country and didn’t treason it. And at least Slavey McBillofRights y’know, added a Bill of Rights instead of doing a bunch of treason. That’s not a very slippery slope. More like a gently inclining wheelchair ramp with lots of those little traction nubs, and a pretty solidly built handrail, and subject to a ton of federal and state regulations and oversight.”
Local 99th street homeowner Emilia Foster said that the renaming of the streets went too far, since she was already mourning over the loss of a plaque to McTreasonface at the now-disused St. John’s Church. “General Slavey McTreasonface planted that tree. Well, four trees ago was the tree he planted. But this one is special too. Thank goodness those history-minded Daughters of the Confederacy came along in 1912, and said ‘He totally planted a tree here we’re pretty sure, so here’s a plaque.’ Then they came back in 1922 and said ‘Here’s another plaque. This was a very important tree that needs two plaques, which is convenient because it’s on private property but also very much in public view of say, voters who need reminding that McTreasonface is literally the most important thing about this neighborhood ever.’ Look at my scrapbook.” said Mrs. Foster, flashing out a series of clippings and covering up a significant portion of each image with her hand. “The original tree is clearly visible in this book illustration from 1900, and in this other 1900 newspaper, proving without a doubt they didn’t make it up at all and there was a very real tree that existed and wasn’t in any way a politically motivated lie.”
Several historians have suggested replacing the monuments with more historically relevant plaques. Added Hepplewhite, “Did you know that McTreasonface’s younger son Rooney McTreasonface had the tips of his fingers chopped off in a hay-maker in Bay Ridge? And then he was captured during the war and held across the Narrows in Fort Wadsworth as a prisoner? That’s way more historic than a tree, and I’m pretty sure both sides can come together and be proud that our city enacted recurring karmic vengeance on the McTreasonfaces.”
In contrast, the administrator of a local historical affinity group, Dick Doubletree the First, cited McTreasonface as an essential part of Bay Ridge’s history. Said Doubletree, “He was only posted for five years, a vestryman for two, and wasn’t even a commander of the fort, but he casts a big shadow thanks to the light we always shine upon him. He was way more important for people to remember than say, actual Fort Hamilton commander and Gettysburg commander Patriot Q. Baseball. McTreasonface was essential in building a bunch of fort defenses that are very important somehow to the people who care about that kind of thing. While yes, other people also engineered things on the base, they weren’t as cool as McTreasonface. That’s why only Confederate generals, and not any other veterans, are listed as notable people from the neighborhood on Bay Ridge’s Wikipedia page. Clearly, these monuments haven’t distorted the historical record in any way, and we are no way complicit even if it did.”
A U.S. Army spokesperson responded to our request for a comment with the following, delivered on the back of a cocktail napkin soiled with disdain:
“We stand by our decision that McTreasonface’s name should adorn the primary thoroughfare of Fort Hamilton. As to other heroic commanders of the fort, such as Patriot Q. Baseball, he has an important access lane named after him. Besides, we named it after McTreasonface in the spirit of reconciliation. General McTreasonface Avenue has been there for a hundred years starting in the 1950s when we named all the roads for the new housing developments on the base. If we changed it now, it would be divisive, it might damage our diplomatic relations with the Confederate States of America, and nobody wants that. The Military isn’t the place for these divisive topics.”
